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This rant is not for the weak...

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How long did your anger last?
Less than a week.
 66%  [ 2 ]
More than a week, but less than a month.
 0%  [ 0 ]
Eh. I was an angry person BEFORE I quit.
 33%  [ 1 ]
None of your darn business.
 0%  [ 0 ]
It's been years and I'm STILL angry.
 0%  [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 3

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Quit Date:
August 21, 2008

Posts: 7

PostPosted: August 25, 2008 2:39 AM    Post subject: This rant is not for the weak... Reply with quote

I smoked for 25 years.. I only quit when I was pregnant with each of my four girls (and when I was breastfeeding). It was easy to quit when I was pregnant.. the smell made me sick. I don't know what made me take up smoking again each time. I suppose it was due to the fact that my friends, my mother, my (then) husband and most of my co-workers smoked.
Since I turned 30 (I will be 37 in January) I have been torturing myself every time I smoked. I wanted to quit, but I was simply too weak. I hated the smell, the taste (I chewed gum when I smoked for the last 12 years), I was embarrassed to smoke in public.. in short, I HATED the fact that I smoked. I would lay there in bed awake just thinking about how I was going to DIE because of this. I was actually PAYING someone (or several someones) to kill me. Slowly. What sense did that make?? So, I tried the patch. I lasted about a week. It was the "Seven Day Itch" that got me. I smoked a couple on that day.. then quit again for a few more days. Then, feeling silly and weak I picked it back up.
The other night, I was smoking a cigarette and it was the last one in the pack. It was also the last piece of gum in the pack I was on. Since there are 15 sticks of gum in a pack and 20 cigarettes, I had never run out at the same time. It seemed like a sign. Or at least a good stopping point. I had another pack.. I gave them to a smoker friend of mine. I found an open pack. I had my daughter go fill it with water and throw it away.
Here's where my problem starts.. I am not having trouble NOT smoking... I am actually doing really well with that part. But, I am ANGRY all the damn time. The second night, I sobbed hysterically all night long.
I live in a very crowded, stress filled environment. It's me, my boyfriend, two of my daughters (I have four ... the oldest 20 and the youngest is 14) and a roommate. We are all crammed into a two bedroom townhouse. We turned the dining room into a bedroom for the two girls. My boyfriend (known from here on out as Muffin) and I sleep in an upstairs bedroom and Sparky (my roommate) sleeps in the other upstairs bedroom. My oldest daughter is sick. Very sick. She has been since she was 15. My second daughter is ... challenging. She was a meth addict. She is clean now (and has been for a year or so), but she is outspoken, difficult, manipulative and mean. She will be 19 in November and I want her to move out, but I can't bring myself to KICK her out. She can't seem to hold a job. She makes the entire household nervous... just knowing she is home changes everyone's mood. I have had to argue to keep her here, but at the same time she makes me hate coming home sometimes. I keep hoping she'll come around if I just stand by her. In the meantime, I have to deal with my parents. I love them.. but they are also... challenging. VERY nice people, but my mother has mental issues that make her have outbursts and paranoia. My father has reverse OCD. Thier house is not fit for a person to live in. It stinks and is full of trash. It looks like one of those houses you see on the news after someone dies and the neighbors go in only to find that the house is filled with 2034832098 newspapers, magazines, etc. There is literally a pathway through my parents' house. I haven't been inside the house in 10 years or more. I only include this tidbit of information to help illustrate the mental state of my parents. I have spent most of my life trying not to hurt anyone's feelings or offend anyone. It's not been an easy path. I have spent countless days at family gatherings I didn't want to attend or making decisions that went against my better judgement so that I could avoid being the "bad" person. I think that maybe if I had had more of a backbone my life and the lives of my children would be much improved.
Here is what I am up against this time around: My mother is a closet smoker. She doesn't smoke around my step-father, grandmother or aunts and uncles. They all pretend that they don't know she smokes. It's completely dysfunctional. Anyway, she uses me as an excuse for her smoky smell. If someone says "You smell like cigarettes", her response is "Well, I was with Samantha and SHE smokes." Therefore, she doesn't want me to quit and is making me feel bad about it. It has been the reason that several of my attempts to quit didn't work. She has actually been known to bring me packs/cartons when she knows I am trying to quit. I hate that.
There is also a stress factor that I will TRY to explain, but I don't know that there is enough time for me to type it ALL out. I mentioned my oldest child's sickness. She has crohns. A disease that USUALLY can be controlled with diet. She was misdiagnosed for a long time and by the time they figured out what was wrong with her, it was almost too late. She was on chemo, Remicade, and steroids for a long time. (Over a year!). They removed her large intestine and colon and now she has an illiostomy bag. She's allergic to the bag, the stuff that sticks the bag to her, and the pads. Her bags all leak and explode so she can't really go anywhere or do anything. She has to stay with my parents because my father is retired and can take her to her ENDLESS doctor appointments (which are 45 minutes away). The state of the house can NOT be helping her never ending infections. I can't keep her as we are only supposed to have a max of 4 here and I already have 5. I might even chance it ANYWAY, but there is NO space. Not to mention, she and the second oldest can't live in the same space. They will kill each other.
The second oldest.. who we will call "D", won't get a job. She has had three in the last year.. the longest lasting was 5 weeks. I don't know where she gets her lack of work ethic because I worked up to 80 hours a week for longer than she can remember. Sometimes two jobs.. plus school.. as a single mother of four. Why can't she get ONE job and help support herself? Even if I wanted to .. I can't really kick her out. Where would she go? Her father won't take her.. her grandparents won't have her... there is no one else. On the topic of her grandparents; They won't take her because she is so damn difficult, but they make sure I understand what a horrible mother I would be if *I* didn't give in to all of her demands. She enrolled in a Yoga class. My parents act as if she was becoming a doctor or something. They buy her everything she needs for the class. They tell me as long as she is "in school", I should continue to provide for her. I get NO support.
I also have a 16 year old at home. She is a wonderful child, but she is issues with D. They fight all the time. *sigh*
For the first time in my LIFE I can't support my family. I made a very bad career move and decided that with gas prices being what they are, I would look for a job closer to home. I am a retail manager. I have been for 10 years or so. I took a job doing something I love ... with the understanding that it would become something more. I am making HALF of what I am used to... (which is why I have a roommate now. That is another first).
Ugh. I could go on like this forever.. but I guess my biggest issue is still just that I am uncontrollably angry. All the time. I have been trying to stay in my room when I am not working... stay away from people i care about during this time.. but my room is upstairs and VERY VERY hot. The heat doesn't help the temper.
Just reading over this silly, rambling rant makes me see just how AWFUL it has gotten. Will I ever be the person I was? Will my family hate me before this is over?
If you made it this far, I have to admire your patience and I want to thank you for listening.
Good luck to everyone on their own personal hellish journey to being smoke free!
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Quit Date:
June 30, 2007

Posts: 1667
Location: Illinois

PostPosted: August 25, 2008 10:13 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Im at work on a short break so I cant write much now, but will try later.
Your mom not wanting you to quit for her own addiction, is very selfish, as you must know already.
Would your daughter keep a job if you told her it was time to move out when she turns 19?
I know you have alot of stress in your life and its awesome your not smoking!!
If you give in you will just be a more stressed out person because you will be then mad at yourself for giving up.
dont give up. Smile
there will be plenty of people here to help you along.
This is a wonderful site, glad you found us.
I have to get back to work!

My avatars name is moon ray
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Quit Date:
December 13, 2004

Posts: 497
Location: North Florida

PostPosted: August 25, 2008 3:16 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. You sure have a full plate. You are taking on the problems of the world and having no time or energy to deal with your own. I'm not going to even try to tell you what to do for anyone else. But I am going to suggest that you need some outside help for yourself.

A month or two after I quit smoking, my anger was out of control. I was making everyone around me miserable, and it is a miracle that my husband didn't leave me. A friend suggested that I needed counseling, and it was the best advice I ever received. I found a substance abuse counselor through the county...I only had to pay a small amount. My counselor had never treated an ex-smoker, but it turns out that the issues are the same.

I hope you can find some room in your busy life to find some help for yourself. God bless you for handling all you have to deal with!


The Buddha says: Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.
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Barbara K.

Quit Date:
December 23, 2004

Posts: 5977

PostPosted: September 12, 2008 3:16 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sorry to hear of all your problems. I had a lot of anger for over a year after my quit but only because of my situation. I was in an abusive relationship and basically isolated. Always remember to hold onto hope that better days are to come as they may not seem like it at the present time. We need hope to cope until those better days do come.

You grown daughter may be able to get assistance from welfare to get on her feet until she gets straight.

What helped me for my anger was an anxiety pill which also helped with my anger. Some one to also talk to like a counselor who will be impartial can be very helpful.

Hugs to you,

Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.

Barbara K.
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Quit Date:
June 13, 2006

Posts: 4

PostPosted: September 14, 2008 9:00 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sort out what can you change, and what do you have no control over?

Of those things you can change, what are you willing to?

I second the suggestion for outside help for yourself (i.e., counseling.) It is well warranted. If you do a little research, you can probably find a sliding-scale provider. You need help in figuring out how to take responsibility for yourself and back off of the things you can't control. It's really ok to take care of you. But when we make changes, sometimes it doesn't set well with those around us. Counseling can help you learn how to make changes and be "ok" with them, even if they make people mad.

Don't give up.
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Posts: 4458
Location: Gulf Coast

PostPosted: September 15, 2008 8:25 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Life in general can, quite honestly, be a b*tch. Major stresses can drain any hope and may turn one to believe there is no way out. And what we long for...the peace, the security, the loving relationships amongst family...seem so illusive and unattaintable. So, the question we all seem to ask at one point or another, enters in..."what am I going to do?"

First, as one who has been through some major trails myself and am still dealing with some...including a daughter similiar to yours that doesn't seem to be able to make right decisions and in turn makes life miserable for everyone else....it begins with acceptance. Stop looking at "if onlys" and stop comparing your life with "ideal" thoughts of life.

Second, especially where your mom is concerned and the sabbotage on your quit...stand your ground. The saying....misery loves company is true. Addicts, which we are, love to surround themselves with others in the same addiction. And the characteristic of addiction stops at nothing to keep the addiction alive by whatever means possible. She will no longer have you as an excuse, and will have to look her own addiction squarely in eye for herself and deal with all that. And, of course, being an addict, and controlled by the addiction, it's not something the addiction part of her wants to face. This is not your responsibility. It is hers. And as one who also doesn't like to offend others or hurt others either...there comes a point in time when we must realize that sometimes the truth, whether it hurts or not, is the only way. You must quit for you and stay quit for your own freedom. Not throw it away because someone else has a hangup with it for whatever reason. Tension, yes, there will be tension..maybe hard feelings, but as long as you stand your ground, she will eventually realize that you mean business.

Anger is part of the quit process. We do get angry, depressed, etc. It's like a roller coaster with the emotions. Personally, I believe it's all part of us sorting out and coping with emotions, feelings, buried issues, we covered up with a light of a cigarette. It takes time to figure out coping skills and replace the old association of having a smoke when we get stressed or upset, etc. Deep breathing is one coping skill that helps alot. I know it will be hard for you in your situtaion, but also finding time for just yourself is helpful also. Everyone is different and each one of us has had to find those techniques that help us to deal with life and it's issues. Also find some hope somewhere...no matter how small, and be thankful. You may live in small quarters....but you DO have a place to live. Not an ideal place, but there is a roof over your head. Concentrate on what you do have and not so much on what you don't have. Then, look for practical ways to impove your situtation. And take it a step at a time. Looking at everything at once only serves to drain the strength and motivation and ends in the hopeless feeling. Deal with one issue at a time and make small changes.

Stay quit...regardless of what life is handing out to you. For you to go back...you will just be haunted all over again with those same thoughts that plagued you about being a smoker and hating it. I've found this in my own journey....when smoking, the thoughts of the guilt and shame of smoking is always there. When quit, thoughts of wanting to smoke for whatever reason also come. (Good news: these type of thoughts do fade over time!!!!) But, it boils down to this...either way there will be contary thoughts. So, whether smoking or quit we will be dealing with contrary thoughts, then it comes to choosing to the better of the two...which is the freedom of being quit. For both have thoughts against one another, so we choose not based on the thoughts or escaping those thoughts...but we choose based on the benefits it brings. And, of course, without a doubt, the quit and smokefree freedom is the choice of life.

Big Hug to you! and yes, regardless, you can get through all this and stay quit.

Love and Hugs

Living in Freedom

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 2 Corn 5:17 NASB
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