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Bitterness....
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Kissimee



Quit Date:
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Posts: 772
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: April 25, 2004 11:23 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm very argo! But you guys have one up on me...you have been able to pin point the emotions and get them out...I haven't/can't...whatever. I'm mad about many things and just started realizing it last weekend.

Good for you guys! When you figure it out, please let me know the secret!
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I can NOT control the addiction because if I could, it would NOT be an addiction...BUT I can control ME, the addict.
~Tracy

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Carol



Quit Date:
December 9, 2009

Posts: 631
Location: Wisconsin

PostPosted: April 26, 2004 12:00 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know what I just realized? Most of you who are talking about being "argo" most of the time and for no particular identifiable reason...are all within the 3-6 month quit stage. I remember reading here and at FFS people, in that phase of their quit, being angry, anxious, and upset. Is this a phase of the quitting process? Is this something I need to be prepared for....when I get there.? My hubby who is 4 months quit has been a bit more impatient also this past week or so. I thought it was because he has been ill for so long. HMMMMM?????
We have Kevin and some others on this site who are long term quitters...perhaps they could share a little light on this subject?
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Zuzu



Quit Date:
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Posts: 962
Location: Marin

PostPosted: April 26, 2004 3:44 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow.. this has been an incredible thread.. thank each of you for your insights, thoughts and ideas. I read what everyone posted before I went off to dinner and again just a few moments ago when I returned. I contemplated and am still letting things soak in.

I'll likely try to find a therapist - as Leona says, how could it hurt?

Carol, it might be part of the process of stopping smoking. I've never stopped for more than 30 days before, so everything after that has been a mystery and adventure for me.

What each of you all wrote here gave me pause - made me stop and think. I don't have answers but you've given me some things to look at and think about.

I need to mull it all over for a little while and see where it leads me. Thank you!!!!!

... on the lighter side... one of the back doors I had identified early on was going to the beach. I couldn't imagine going to the beach and not smoking. At the time I figured I'd cross that bridge when I came to it.

Well, I road over that bridge today. The beach was beautiful and I didn't smoke and I think I can now go to the beach all summer long without much fret.

Also.. I had been a bit nervous all day as I was invited to a friend's house for dinner tonight and they both smoke... we love long ambling dinner conversations, coffee on the deck, cigarettes, red wine... ah.... How were we all going to hang out and me not smoke?!? As it turned out one had quit smoking on Jan 5 and the other just over a week ago. We had a long ambling dinner conversation, red wine, coffee, sorbet... we did it all without the smoking. It rocked!

-Zuzu
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Carol



Quit Date:
December 9, 2009

Posts: 631
Location: Wisconsin

PostPosted: April 26, 2004 10:05 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good morning Zuzu
It was good to hear from you this morning. You sound like you are having a much better day. Your trip to the beach seems to be just what you needed, at least for that day. You did great facing that potential trigger, and of course coming out the VICTOR Good job
And your dinner with your friends sounds really lovely and relaxing.
Aren't good friends a beautiful blessing?
Have a good day Zuzu. I hope the sun is shining in your part of the world.


A smile for your day...I love Maxine[/img]
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alison



Quit Date:
June 3, 2003

Posts: 751
Location: Next Stop, Michigan

PostPosted: April 26, 2004 10:24 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi~

I suppose I will add my two cents here. My sympathies to you for your neighbor situation. I grew up in that house. My mother has two volumes, too soft to be heard and ear-drum splitting. (Yes there are still issues there). I can't blame my irritation with the world in general and my world specifically on quitting smoking. I keep myself to a standard that is very high and then I resent the people out there who don't seem to be as respectful of me and others as I am of them. This is not necessarily bad but it is the level of response that is at issue here.

I find it interesting than you are noticing that your response is not "right-sized" for the event. This is, in fact, a common theme in chemical imbalance problems (as is smoking as a form of medication). It is not a bad idea to see your MD (general physical) and a Psychiatrist (as opposed to a therapist). If it is a true chemical imbalance you may need to take something in which case a Psychiatrist would be the better choice. If not you can be refered to a therapist to work out what may be behaviors rooted in childhood (whether you remember being that way or not).

I am currently grappling with a chemical imbalance made worse by the fact that I systematically removed all artificial substances (except for caffeine and I'm pretty sure that will have to go eventually) from my body and now the chemical malfunction is quite noticable. I am by no means an expert but I believe that the "better safe than sorry" approach is generally pretty good. You needn't jump into any medications but you definitely need to not ignore what you are feeling.

Lastly you may just need to learn mental biofeedback and temper your rush to anger by nipping it in the bud. You said you were able to do that in the beginning because you felt the response was way over the top. At this point you are fine tuning and perhaps unsure of how angry you are allowed to get in a situation. You are allowed to be as angry as you like as long as you are prepared to accept the consequences of your actions. If neighbor lady pisses you off to the extent that you need to blast the stereo at 9:30 pm when the precious darlings are attempting sleep to demonstrate the inconsideration you have experienced then you will have to live with the brooding anger she will invariably turn in your direction.

Like your quit, your relationships are yours to direct as you will. Just shining the light on your concerns has already changed you to some extent. What you do at this point is your choice but I believe you will make the right choice for yourself because you don't have a substance to muddy the waters and hide your issues.
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I wish you peace.

alison
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Angel



Quit Date:
November 11, 2004

Posts: 208
Location: MI

PostPosted: April 26, 2004 11:23 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. I loved this thread. I am not as far along in my quit as most of you, but I can so relate. However, my analysis of my own behavior turned up some very different results.

Pam's post about insulating ourselves with a smokey wall so we wouldn't have to deal with emotions, situations, life was me exactly. I, too, have felt that I have been overreacting to small irritants with what can best be described as rage. Than I took a good hard look at my husband and then I dug up memories of my smoking self (she seems so far away already). I was ALWAYS this way. My husband is still smoking and he never answers a question or makes a comment, he barks orders and gives condescending replies. He is irritated nearly all the time, over nothing. Then I realized that I had been the same. I always talked with a curt, defensive tone. I demanded rather than asked. I had no patience. What a miracle that I can not only see it now, but I am more able to deal with it without the cigarettes. I didn't want to work on my attitude, so I smoked. I didn't want to build a relationship with my kids or husband (that required emotional exposure and hard work), so I smoked. I didn't want to subject myself to possible rejection by extending invitations to friends, so I smoked. That wall was pretty comfortable.

One of the hardest things for me to accept has been that nonsmokers deal with life every day without a cigarette. It is possible. All of the stuff that drives me to insane levels of anger happens to other people every day, and they don't explode. I want my pressures and stresses to be unique and more difficult than everyone else's, but they simply are not. I'm just less equipped to deal with real life because I've been hiding from it for 20 years. That's a hard pill to swallow for someone who walks with an air of overconfidence. What a mask I've put on myself for the rest of the world!

So, on a less philosophical note, I have noticed that my language has cleaned up considerably since I quit smoking (being in the law enforcement/military environment is not condusive to a clean vocabulary) and I am not as interested in junk food and soda, although I still love my coffee. Is it possible that smoking contributed to all the ugliness in my life and I just couldn't see it because of the smoke screen? Now when I feel the waves of rage pounding behind my eyes, I see it from a new perspective, as if it was somebody else. I find myself thinking "Hmm, isn't that interesting?" When I was smoking I would've thought that a bunch of people getting online and talking about their emotions and whatnot was a bunch of ridiculous crap, but I NEED you all and appreciate what you contribute, even when it's only an ear (or an eye, I guess, is more exact). I know I say it all the time, but THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for being here. When I have a tough day I imagine Carol dragging me back on the beach, the rest of you cheering her and me on, Paul acting as my Fight Club Brad Pitt when I'm aggravated ("Hit me as hard as you can!"). How is it possible to have so much love for people you've never met?
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Marvel



Quit Date:
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Posts: 297
Location: Tennessee

PostPosted: April 26, 2004 11:43 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Zuzu,

I'm glad you're feeling better, and it really does rock when we have "new" experiences without smoking. I have to keep that in mind.

In answer to your question, I think that my reactions are probably mostly not "right-sized"--i.e. I'm overreacting. But the trigger (usually something my husband does) is often so small that I'd ordinarily ignore it. So lots of times, it does seem like these emotions come out for no reason: he does something minor like putting a dirty dog toy on a stack of books, and I turn into Godzilla. Another time the same sort of thing I'd just correct without even thinking about it. The reaction is clearly overblown and seems wildly unreasonable (even to me after a few minutes) so I'm thinking, okay, something big and ugly is underneath this. I mean, at least you have good reasons to be angry--people are doing truly jerky and anger-inducing things around you!

I know that some of my inappropriate emotional responses are hormone-related, but I really don't like these things that come and slap me in the face, like cravings did the first few weeks. I think I've lost sight of the fact that I'm doing a wonderful thing by quitting smoking--after 6 months I thought all would be wonderful. I know that quitting doesn't solve everything, but I've got to remind myself that I'll be experiencing the effects of quitting for a long time. AND I have to remember that it's a great thing--I have no intention of going back to smoking, but I'm feeling kind of lost and like, what's next? I guess I'm needing that module 8 you were talking about.

For today I'm going to follow Sandyz's advice and write down 5 positives in my life and make a positive goal.

I've learned a lot from this thread and I thank all of you writing here. It's helping me buck up!
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Marvel
QD 10/21/2003

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16Ocean



Quit Date:
April 16, 2004

Posts: 400

PostPosted: April 26, 2004 1:26 PM    Post subject: Thanks for sharing Reply with quote

Hi ZuZu, Alot of people here responded to what you wrote. Alot of ways in which to look at your feelings, and what may be going on. I hope it was helpful to you, and look at how many care about how you are feeling, isnt that pretty AWESOME? It was very interesting to me, to read what others wrote. So many different ways to look at something. Thats pretty cool about you knowing you can now go to the beach, as a NON SMOKER, and all is well. I just wanted you to know, that I really hope you can make a change in how you are reacting, so that is doesnt come out, like it has been, which is so upsetting to you. You were given many good ideas from others, and I know you will take what you can from that, and make up your own mind, as to what you do next...... I will pray for you now, that God who knows our every need, will be with you, and guide you, but, I hope you are truly PROUD OF YOURSELF, for the accomplishment you have, in quitting smoking. That was indeed, one of the biggest, I think. May God direct you, in what it is you need to do next, sincerely, Heidi
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Zuzu



Quit Date:
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Posts: 962
Location: Marin

PostPosted: April 26, 2004 2:33 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay.. this is good, I'm laughing now! I did have a wonderful time at the beach... but I was angry the entire time I was there. I didn't feel angry last night at dinner.

I felt angry with the neighbor woman and her children began screaming at each other again this morning. Yes, she is rude... the issue here is "right sized" anger, however. I'm very good about picking items to be angry over that I can also be self righteous about... so my list will always seem "reasonable" - yes.. it's reasonable to be angry about these things.

Marvel, I think what I'm experiencing is really similar to what you're describing. I'll initially feel angry because the proverbial dog toy is placed on a stack of books... but then I'll realize that that's irrational, so I'll seek my mind for something more reasonable to be angry about and get upset with Ed about that more reasonable thing. I do have a pretty good edit feature between my initial emotional reaction and my outward reaction. He prefers if I focus my anger on issues involving the neighbor however, and I try to do that so as not to make his life unbearable. So I vent to him about the neighbor and her children as a means to get the agro junk out.. but it seems like an endless well, really.. heh.

I'm not saying I wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night with a dotted line of anger re: everything in between. There are times when I lose myself and when I find myself lost I'm generally happy. And I'm not saying that I'm not humbled and grateful for the things in my life, the ability to go to the beach, the garden, my relationships with people and my communities. And I'm also not saying that I don't find moments of laughter... but rather that I go from Zero to Anger in four point two seconds and there is a bubbling magma pool of anger just below the surface ready to kaaabooom (if only that kaaabbbboooooom could kill the gopher or silence the neighbor and her childrens.)

I don't mean to (and I hope I'm not) coming off terribly like I'm complaining about this.. well, yes, I don't like it.. that is the point. But rather I'm wondering if this is a common experience in smoking cessation, if others feel/experience it.. how folks are dealing with it if/when it arrises, what's working, what's not, etc.

I have a list of things I do each day... I started it during the rage period of stopping smoking. I DO name five things I'm grateful/thankful for each day, I also pick up a piece of trash that I didn't generate (to remember to think beyond myself), to do one creative thing each day (to generate a creative outlet to either express or illuminate my feelings), etc. I came up with this list for myself and I do do that...

Like at one time I was wearied by constant thoughts of smoking and/or not smoking. Now I'm wearied by constant angry thoughts and feelings.

It IS helping just to say it.. just to express.. yes.. I'm tired of feeling angry. AND it is helping to hear that others are experiencing similar things and how each of you are dealing with it, experiencing it, expressing it and working through it. That is helping to understand paths through this time, ways of thinking about and learning from the experience so I don't have to repeat it in more insideous incarnations.

Zoey... like you I just feel the anger.. and then I find some intellectual constructs to attribute it to. I don't even know that I'm truly angry about the things I use as excuses for my anger. That's when I wonder if Carol might really be hitting on something about the grief thing. The more I sit with and read these posts I keep having a reaction to the notion that this is grief related... like a little internal rebellion. When I feel that little rebellion.. that "no, that could NOT possibly be it.. oh no, NOT that" what I find myself thinking is, "me thinks she doth protest too much."

So while I continue to rhuminate and consider and let all of this soak in, here are five things I'm thankful for:

1) For Secret Agent Dog (an anger-free space in my heart is reserved for her... she gets a free pass on the anger, I only just adore her.)
2) For Stephen's homemade canned pickles (he gave me cans of his preserves last night. Not only did I get dinner, but I left with homemade preserves, pickles, jam and orange marmalade... how cool is it to have friends like THAT?!?!)
3) For my camera (because it helps me to look at things, it helps me to see things and it helps me to capture the beautiful things I see in this world.)
4) For Castor Oil (because if you dilute it with water and drench the garden it will deter gophers instantly!! I staked the digitalis and while it's certainly damaged and rather "s" shaped, a little bit of it is trying to reach upwards.. and that's something.)
5) For life (because it is a beautiful gift worth fighting for. Because we're on this planet for such a brief period of time and have so many lessons to learn with the gift of these senses, this flesh... )

-Zuzu
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Carol



Quit Date:
December 9, 2009

Posts: 631
Location: Wisconsin

PostPosted: April 26, 2004 2:59 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Zuzu
You are going to be alright. As I read your last post, I was thinking..."she had identified that she is indeed angry, she doesn't want to stay that way, she is analyzing the source and is willing to do what ever it takes to be OK"
You are going to be alright.
this was an amazing thread for me to. To watch the different experiences, some I could relate to, others I couldn't. and then to watch the different suggestions and ways to look at it. It was very much an eye opener for me.
I am also going to try writing down 5 postive things each day and set a goal to do something positive that day. I don't do that often enough, dwell on the positives. I too can make mountains out of mole hills, and I am clinically depressed, and I take antidepressants and Yes it does help. And today I am so grateful for that. life is good and I have so many blessings it is hard to count them all.
Take care and may you day be filled with awareness of your many blessings.
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Zuzu



Quit Date:
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Posts: 962
Location: Marin

PostPosted: April 26, 2004 8:53 PM    Post subject: Thank you!! Reply with quote

I keep re-reading folk's post here... I keep getting more from ALL of you by doing it. It's tremendously helpful. THANK YOU, thank you, thank you!!
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