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Chrissy
Quit Date: April 21, 2007
Posts: 101 Location: ohio
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Posted: December 30, 2004 10:51 AM Post subject: Fallen Angel |
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Life has become so very hard these past few months......I got behind in bills, adjusting to a new love that moved in with me, and letting myself forget to pray and get strength from god. Yesterday I broke............I smoked 6 drags off a ciggerette and did the same this morning. NO it didnt help. it made me feel less of a person, my stomache feels sick, I feel dizzy and full of dispair. I needed to vent and have noone to vent to, so i held it in and forgot to be true to myself. I am so in love with this man who came into my life. I have done everything i can for him, loving him, emotionally, physically and taking care of his daily needs. Then a few days ago he says he doesnt believe I love him......this hurt me very deeply. Talking with him I found that he misses his home in Ohio (he moved to Maryland to be with me) he misses his family, his old job and his friends. I almost feel like I took all that he loved away without even realizing I did so. I now as I have always done blame myself. I know I didnt force him to come here but I also know he loves me.....that is why he stays even though hes not happy here. He came from a beautiful small town and now lives near a big ugly city. I have no friends close to me anymore, they have either moved out of state or beocme so involved with their familys we lost touch, I gave up my online friends so he and I could focus on us and also to save the money it was costing for being online. I can use the library computer but dont have much time. I now work 2 jobs, daytime and nites and weekends. Maybe i am overloading?? I guess I am typing this all out trying to figure this all out. Self therapy isnt so good but its all I have time for right now. I want you (those who know me) to know, my angel fell a long time ago and now I did the same. I am sorry i let you and myself down. I will pray starting today that I find the strength I need to stop smoking and to do what I need to do to fix things in my life. I think I forgot JOY .......and as I quote from a email i recieved today " Joy amidst the rubble of life. Laughter amongst its ruins. We cannot avoid pain, however hard we try but we can avoid joy. We cannot escape hardship and trouble, but we can miss out on much of lifes peace and laughter. " Then it said to try this as I will do today. ----Spend time doing something you enjoy----Do those things that bring inner peace-----Learn to laugh heartily and frequently----Cultivate within yourself an attitude of hope----Fill each day with as much love as it can possibly hold.
Youll still have plenty of problems, but though it all, youll find all the joy youll ever need.
Now confessed and hoping those who can pray for us all who are forever addicts no matter how long we are quit. I lost a 3 year, 5 month quit but will never lose hope that i can beat this!! God help us.............in love and light, Chrissy~ _________________
Always In Love and Light |
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Cowgirl UP!
Quit Date: July 26, 2004
Posts: 5029 Location: Ala
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Posted: December 30, 2004 11:08 AM Post subject: |
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Chrissy,
I am so sorry to hear you lost your quit. I know you do not know me but I have read your posts to Kevin. It pains me to see someone who has been so strong in a quit become so overwhelmed with their life to lose it. I hope you will figure it all out soon and please, since you know it does not help, throw those cigs away today. Just because you blew it does not mean you have to continue down that path, make your turn now while you have only had 12 puffs. Please, I know you can do this.
Kay _________________
All with a little help from my friends, COWGIRL UP |
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ms_tapestry
Quit Date: October 21, 2009
Posts: 2574 Location: Seminole, TX
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Posted: December 30, 2004 11:25 AM Post subject: |
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I am sorry you are hurting right now Chrissy. I appreciate your words of courage and hope even in the midst of your own troubles. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm with Kay on this one. Toss those smokes and get back on the wagon. We both know smoking won't fix it. _________________
Tonya
You must do the very thing you think you cannot do.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt |
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kevin Site Admin
Quit Date: -
Posts: 9538 Location: cincinnati, oh
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Posted: December 30, 2004 11:40 AM Post subject: Re: Fallen Angel |
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first of all, Chrissy, you haven't fallen. you're as much of an angel as you ever were; you just made a couple of bad choices. but those choices are in the past, and you can now choose to leave them there and go on.
you've been quit for 3 and a half years, little sister; don't throw that away because you fell for the demon's lies in a moment of weakness (or a couple of moments of weakness). what's happened here can be a stumbling block or a stepping stone; and once again, it's your choice: you can choose to let it be a stumbling block (i.e., you can choose to continue on this self-destructive path) or you can choose to let it be a stepping stone to the next stage of your quit; a quit with more strength for having been tested, a quit that's more conscious and more precious because of its near loss.
i think you know the right choice. _________________
keep choosing life!
kevin
the zen of the quit |
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kannprint
Quit Date: April 10, 2004
Posts: 4988 Location: St. Louis, MO
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Posted: December 30, 2004 12:03 PM Post subject: |
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Dear Chrissy,
I feel your tears in your writing. Yes, you made a mistake but you can begin anew and build a strong quit. Smoking just doesn't solve our problems. That's what keeps me going. When I feel like everything is falling down around me and I want a cigarette, I remind myself that that wad of tobacco wrapped in cheap paper isn't going to make things better.
Chrissy, you had a wonderful quit and you can pick it up and do it again. You're iin my prayers for a strong quit again. You can do this.
P.S. Have you considered moving to Ohio? Just a thought. _________________
LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH.
Jo |
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Pamela
Quit Date: -
Posts: 3542 Location: Gardiner, NY
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Posted: December 30, 2004 1:01 PM Post subject: |
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Chrissy, I'm stunned. Now that' over.... Ok, so you smoked. The world did not end, nothing earth shattering happend, no lightening bolts came down from the sky. If it was meant to make your lover feel bad and guilty about hurting you, it probably didnt work...I know, I used to use smoking as a "get even" with others thing, which is crazy.
What's done is done. You still have almost a 3 1/2 years smoke free behind you, that it's not too late to salvage. No matter what is going on in your life, there is no good reason to put a lit cigarette between your lips. None. So, brush off those wings, get rid of the cigarettes, and continue to respect yourself by staying smoke free!
I respect you as the person who was on this board when it began, and who was here writing and giving support when there were few others here. You were one of my first contacts on this site. Stop dissing yourself, and keep the self respect you earned and deserve. _________________
FIVE + years of freedom and loving it! |
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Fightn4life
Quit Date: October 23, 2003
Posts: 1573 Location: Loysburg, PA
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Posted: December 30, 2004 3:11 PM Post subject: |
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Chrissy, I read many of your posts when I first found my way to this site, so I feel as if I know you. You are so much apart of this site from long ago.
Reading your post gave me shivers and I felt such sadness. No Chrissy you have not let anyone down. As Kevin said, you made some bad choices. Noting can take away your three and a half year quit. NOTHING!
You know you have already taken control of the demon it has just leered you back for a feeding. Starve it again,…you have the ability today and everyday to make that choice.
What I have learned by reading your post with great unhappiness is the demon, our addiction will never give up watching for an open door. He preys on our emotions and tries to bring us back to embrace a false security. Every breath I take I will know this addiction will be within one puff of trying to bring me back.
With that information, I will try even harder never to let my defenses down. I will never forget I am an addict. I will despise the thought of smoking with every breath I take.
Chrissy you are not a fallen angel; you have stumbled is all and in doing so sent us all a weary reminder, we will forever be addicted to nicotine.
Sandyz
Been fightn4life for over 14 months now...a bit wiser and saddened today.
Thank you Chrissy for having the courage to reach out. I never stop learning from Veteran quitters like yourself and so many others that have paved the way. I know I can stumble at any time. But always by my choice. _________________
"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."
~Anonymous |
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londa
Quit Date: July 28, 2004
Posts: 2469 Location: new york, USA
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Posted: December 30, 2004 7:19 PM Post subject: |
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Chrissy, as quitters, we know that this can happen to anyone of us at anytime. You just listened to that lier! Now I know you will get back on that track. I do remember a post you wrote some time ago about how happy you were and you were so much in love.
Being in love is wonderful, but it also comes with all kinds of twists and turns. You two just need time. Have you both thought about moving to OHIO? Would you be happy there? Did he give Maryland enough time? I am sure you both will work this out. You are doing the right thing by talking to GOD. He is definately the true counselor.
I will keep you in my prayers. May peace be with you sweetie. Just breath deep and thank Jesus for every moment you have with your loved one. As I said before, you will work this out. You know you don't want to smoke. Just say no for today, and before you know it, it will be tomorrow.
Love, Londa _________________
My name is Londa. I am 57 and I act like I'm 20. I love to laugh and smile. The more the better. Being kind to someone is the best thing you can do. |
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Backfist
Quit Date: -
Posts: 340 Location: Rome, Georgia
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Posted: December 31, 2004 9:28 AM Post subject: hang in there, chrissy |
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Hi Chrissy. I hope you get to read all the replies to your post soon. And I sincerely hope you didn't continue to smoke after those 12 puffs (which probably equals about one cig?) There are some positive things about this experience that I hope you can see, the big one being that our old enemy the Nicodemon will always be waiting in the wings, waiting for exhaustion and opportunity. Maybe you just needed a big reminder of that. I'm always grateful for the opportunity to learn from the experiences of others, so I want to thank you for posting your recent experience. It just reminds me that I don't want to be a smoker again. You did the right thing by finding the time to post.
It sounds to me like you are actually exhausted. Is there anyway to get some down time for yourself? I think you need to slow down and try to regroup.
I know you don't want to be a smoker again. I sincerely hope you've just had this one small slip, and not a full-blown relapse. You certainly were instrumental in the early days of my own quit (over two years ago now!!) and I would like to repay the favor.
I hope you can get back to the boards at some point and let us know how you're doing! Best wishes for a great 2005. Stay strong and remember that all smoking does is kill you! It doesn't make anything better--but deep down, you know that! Hang tuff, don't puff.
Backfist
2Y+ |
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kjsblue
Quit Date: -
Posts: 756 Location: Nebraska
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Posted: December 31, 2004 10:42 AM Post subject: |
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Hi Chrissy -
I know when I take on too much and am not putting my needs first (because, face it - as women we are raised to put others' needs before our own - not being feminist here, just reality as I see it) - I wear down and that's when the is his most powerful.
We can give, and give, and give...but if we are not giving to ourselves, we will fall. For some weird reason we end up punishing ourselves for not being "perfect" or "everything" to everyone...
Step back, relax and forgive yourself. You are NOT fallen. You had a moment, a crisis, a wake up call...what is it that you need to do for yourself right now? Are there things you have stopped doing because you wanted to be there for someone else? You mentioned giving up your online friends...friendships are VERY important. We need all kinds of different people in our lives as they meet very different needs. There is no one person in this world who can meet all of our needs...we need many people. I understand money woes, been battling that issue all my life, but there are some times when money cannot take precedence over my peace of mind. I just have to find ways to reshift and juggle other items.
I have found that I'm at my best and my most strongest in all areas of my life (including my relationships) when I am completely honest with myself, my partner/family/friends, and taking care of my needs first. Sounds selfish and I'm still struggling with that belief, but I trully am learning that this way works for me.
As long as I am getting my time for exercise, time for at least a phone call to a few close friends once a week, (including the friends on these boards - they have been wonderful!), time to pick up & straighten my apartment (I can't stand disorganized chaos ), time to prepare healthy meals, time to journal and pray...then I can function and be there for others, do my job, and do the things I am responsible for and obligated to.
You are being given another lesson for your life is all. You have not fallen, God has just said, Chrissy, here's your next lesson. As you know, the struggle and the beginning is always the hard part. After you get through it, you feel blessed and are so appreciative of the challenge and lesson...right now you are feeling the icky part. Does that make sense?
I hope you are doing okay and I wish you the best Chrissy. I appreciate and enjoy your contribution here and look forward to hearing more from you.
Kris
Four months, three weeks, two days, 8 hours, 15 minutes and 17 seconds. 2180 cigarettes not smoked, saving $436.16. Life saved: 1 week, 13 hours, 40 minutes. _________________
If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it -- William Arthur Ward
Q.D. August 8th, 2004 |
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Chrissy
Quit Date: April 21, 2007
Posts: 101 Location: ohio
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Posted: January 3, 2005 10:32 AM Post subject: Thanks............ |
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Im not gonna lie, I have been smoking a average of 2 a day since last week when i posted here. I need to regroup and talk to my boyfriend of how I need his support in this fight. He has never smoked so has no clue what I am up against plus I have been hiding the fact I am smoking. When I told him I may smoke his response was I would rather you not but your an adult. <<<----he has never been a addict of the demon so has no clue. Tonite we both have off work so I plan to have a long talk about this addiction and ask him for his help. I need support and I guess I need to come clean with my kids also as they were my best supporters last time as well. They will be so disappointed in me but I know they will help me get back on track. I will remember everything you all said and I want to thank you for all your great responses and support. I will keep you informed as often as I can. I dont have much free time to be getting to the library to get online so will do my best to remember all your words of wisdom. You are all my angels and even if you dont know me I love you for what youve done for me. Keep praying and I will get to work on this . Life is too short and I wanna live!!!! Hugs, love and light, Chrissy~ _________________
Always In Love and Light |
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law_girl_1969
Quit Date: -
Posts: 626 Location: Freeburg, Illinois
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Posted: January 3, 2005 10:33 AM Post subject: |
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Chrissy, you will always be my angel. You were one who saved my life at FFS, and I know that you can get back on track. I love you for your honesty, your strength, and the love you share with everyone around you. I'm sorry for what's going on in your life right now, love can make life wonderful and painful, and sometimes all at the same time. I hope you and your loved one can find a way for you both to be happy.
Take care of you darlin!! _________________
Lynn
"There are those who think they can and those who think they can't and they are both right." Henry Ford |
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Chrissy
Quit Date: April 21, 2007
Posts: 101 Location: ohio
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Posted: January 6, 2005 10:15 AM Post subject: Hey Lynn |
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Big hugs!!! _________________
Always In Love and Light |
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Mindy
Quit Date: -
Posts: 1074
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Posted: January 6, 2005 11:01 AM Post subject: |
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Glad to see you here Chrissy! I've been to your website and taken a look at your beautiful pictures!
Hugs, |
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Barbara K.
Quit Date: December 23, 2004
Posts: 5977
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Posted: January 11, 2005 1:39 AM Post subject: |
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Chrissy,
You have been such an Angel to so many people that I'm sure you will see some of them again. Do you still have the book, "Out of the Ashes?" Perhaps reading that again when you can't get online will be of some comfort in your next quit. You are my Angel too..!!
Blessings, _________________
Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.
Blessings,
Barbara K. |
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