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Bad night

 
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Barbara K.



Quit Date:
December 23, 2004

Posts: 5977

PostPosted: April 12, 2005 12:21 AM    Post subject: Bad night Reply with quote

Hi all,

I am not having a good night at all. I had a big fight with my husband tonight that ended up with me crying my eyes out. I have never cried in front of my husband in all the 11 years I've known him either. He was in the smoking room at my mom's viewing in January when I broke down and cried at the closing of the casket.

It all started out when I told him tonight I would feel too bad to be alone the 1st Christmas without my mom for him to go to his mom's house out of town. Long story short, my in-laws do not like me except for my youngest brother-in-law.

I just want to sit here and cry all night. My husband and I did not work out anything tonight. I thought I was okay when he said he would write a letter to his mom standing up for me but in essense the letter just made me look pitiful. When I was crying I said I have no one now except my husband and one good friend because I invested so much time in his family and my mom that I did not cultivate any close friendships. My mom is gone and my husband's family is mad at me for sending them the same letter about a month after my mom was buried for saying how I felt. In the letter I basically said I was hurt that none of them called or come to see me after my mom passed away. It'll be coming up on 3 months now and I've only heard from one of all the in-laws I sent the letter to, and that's my youngest brother-in-law only after I sent him an email. I thought at least my husband's one of two neices would have contacted me or his one nephew but they haven't.

I guess I am getting impatient to cultivate new friends as since meeting my husband I have either given up some friends or some friends have invested in other things since I kind of stopped investing time in them. I have been pondering today whether or not to go out of town with my husband for Christmas to his mom's house so I won't be alone and I decided to stay home. My husband was the one who 1st brought up spending Christmas at his mom's house when we were fighting about me not wanting to go down there ever again. I know it's his family but it hurts me that he won't stay home with me not even one Christmas out of many Christmas' I was not with my family to be with his.

I went to Sunday school this past Sunday at a different church and even though the group was real small, they did not welcome me like all the members did in the bigger Sunday school class in the other church. I won't give up going though on the Sunday my ride doesn't take me to the friendlier church. Well, this is long and I suppose I'd better run. Oh yea, just so you know, I have taken a lot of abuse from some of my in-laws over the years and took it mostly so to me even though it hurts, I realize I'm better off without them.

Blessings,
_________________

Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.

Blessings,
Barbara K.
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Tammy



Quit Date:
February 16, 2004

Posts: 2565
Location: Florida

PostPosted: April 12, 2005 12:42 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am sorry that you are having a bad night. All I can say is I will say a prayer for you.
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Tammy
Free and loving it!
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marw



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3634
Location: Chicago, IL

PostPosted: April 12, 2005 2:01 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Barbara,

I sent you an email, but I want to say again here, basically, that I think this is a very, very good post, and that you explained well a situation that a lot of us find themselves in. That we invested so much time in some relationships that we lost touch with others that could have meant a lot to us.

However, I think you are trying hard, and I, too, will keep trying hard, and even though we will have set-backs at times, we will eventually find new 3-D friends. Some of mine died, but in one case the woman just broke my heart for no reason that I know of, by refusing to have anything to do with me. It doesn't make sense (and your in-laws make no sense, either), but I know I am not a split personality ( Laughing but I had to examine that one! Laughing ) so the problem is HERS. These problems belong to your in-laws. Personally, I find what they did to you regarding the death of your Mom unforgivable. After all, they are family in a sense, and should be supporting you.

As for your neices, well they are young and the young do not always understand the values in life. They will learn as they go.

Your husband should stick up for you, and though he made a nod in that direction, he does have to get firmer with them. Maybe he will see the light since he has at least realized what he should be doing, even if he went about it the wrong way! In my family (Southern-style Laughing ) the in-laws are always expected to be civil and hopefully even nice, however much they might not like it, because anything else would be unacceptable!! Your husband should be like my brother, who essentially told us we could go to the devil (only he didn't use those words) if we said anything bad about his wife! We shaped up really fast! (Hmmmm....I shaped up: nobody else was having the problem openly--my big mouth, you know! Laughing )

You have done the most fantastic job I have ever seen anyone do with their life under such difficult circumstances! You kept your Quit, your Mom died, and you have had health problems, yet you progressed--giving yourself computer lessons, getting out whenever you could, I don't think I've ever seen you miss an oportunity to go somewhere! Give it time. I know it seems forever, but it has only been 3 months since your Mom died. When my father died it took me about 18 months to get back together, although after the first 6 months I was better.

Don't your have a computer course tomorrow night, or do I have the dates mixed up?

Keep on trudging! I'm right there beside you! Smile

Love,
Margaret
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Margaret
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Barbara K.



Quit Date:
December 23, 2004

Posts: 5977

PostPosted: April 12, 2005 3:26 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy Thanks Tammy and Magaret.

Margaret I'll send you an email soon. How's the Big Table?

Blessings,
_________________

Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.

Blessings,
Barbara K.
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londa



Quit Date:
July 28, 2004

Posts: 2469
Location: new york, USA

PostPosted: April 12, 2005 8:47 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Barb, you have got to do what is in your heart. You can be kind but not take the abuse.

Pray and talk with God.

Musical Note How long has it been.. since you've talked with the Lord...
And told Him your heart's hidden secrets?....
How long since you prayed? How long since youstayed..
On your knees til the light shone through.....
How long has it been since your mind felt at ease?
How long since your heart knew no burden?....
Can you call Him your friend?
How long has it been..... since you knew that He cared for YOU? Musical Note

Barb, I love this song. I sing it all the time. As you can tell by my posts, I love to sing. The words give me comfort. I hope they do for you also.
May God give you peace to this situation. May your in-laws see the Lords Spirit through your kindness.

God be with you, Barb. Very Happy

Love, Londa
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My name is Londa. I am 57 and I act like I'm 20. I love to laugh and smile. The more the better. Being kind to someone is the best thing you can do.
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
-

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: April 12, 2005 10:59 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

it's unfortunate that your in-laws reacted the way they did, but i'd guess you probably weren't too surprised, after the way they've treated you. what i think is very positive is that you don't mention any thought of smoking in this whole mess; you should feel good about that part, at least... Smile
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keep choosing life!

kevin

the zen of the quit
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kannprint



Quit Date:
April 10, 2004

Posts: 4988
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: April 12, 2005 12:23 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Families can sometimes be a real mess. Are there any organizations in your area that would interest you? If you had someone to spend time with, other than family, it could be very therapeutic. I think I'd go crazy if I couldn't at least talk with friends on the phone periodically.

Also, if this church isn't to your liking, try another. It's amazing what wonderful people you meet at church.

My prayers are with you for a happy resolution.
_________________

LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH.
Jo
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londa



Quit Date:
July 28, 2004

Posts: 2469
Location: new york, USA

PostPosted: April 12, 2005 1:18 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

AMEN! Jo

Love, Londa
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My name is Londa. I am 57 and I act like I'm 20. I love to laugh and smile. The more the better. Being kind to someone is the best thing you can do.
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jahunta



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 1129
Location: Silicon(e) Valley, CA

PostPosted: April 12, 2005 1:55 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Barb,

I've read and replied to you a lot going through the problems with your husband and his family just before your mother passed. I almost didn't write you this time because people treating good people badly just makes me very angry. Don't worry about what might happen 8 months from now. What's going on today, Barbara? I'm so very sorry you had a bad day, that you're in-laws are stupid and that your husband isn't very good at being a referee. But what's going to make TODAY better? It's odd not having a parent there. I understand that. But if you can't concentrate on today, then x-mas is not going to be any better. You will always miss your mother. Today, tomorrow AND at x-mas. I really hate hearing you like this. Mad But use the same system as you did for smoking...ONE DAY AT A TIME!!
Love, Smile
Nita
_________________


Quitting is Living!!!
QD: 2/15/04
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Barbara K.



Quit Date:
December 23, 2004

Posts: 5977

PostPosted: April 12, 2005 3:03 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy Thank you Londa, Kevin, Jo, and Nita.

Londa thanks for the song. It is so soothing.

Kevin, it doesn't surprise me either. I did however think about smoking later last night but soon dicarded that idea after reading the NA Serenity Prayer.

Jo, I did some research on volunteer jobs last night and made a call about a support group today.

Nita, you are so right to take one day at a time with this matter. Sometimes it is hard though when my husband brings the subject up 1st already this far in advance. I think though that a lot of my anger and frustration last night was just deep down grief related over losing my mom. It's another story that I won't go into now becuase it's all water over the bridge now and can't be changed. And it also has a lot to do with guilt on my part.

I feel much better today after sleeping on it.

Blessings,
_________________

Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.

Blessings,
Barbara K.
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Leona



Quit Date:
June 1, 2017

Posts: 1838
Location: Alpena, Michigan

PostPosted: April 12, 2005 8:52 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Barb,

Mostly I don't respond to your posts because we talk alot on the phone. But it has been quite a while since we talked.

I thought about reiterating what I said to you on the phone but decided not to you already know what I have told you in previous conversations.

I will say though do not let him do this to you. You need to be able to feel good about yourself and not allow him to tear you down. Your self is worth a great deal. Christmas is going to be a night mare for me as well this year as I will not have anyone but my daughter and boyfriend and his mom and the memory of my grandmother and real father. Last Christmas was bad and this will be just as bad. So I do understand where you are coming from. If you need a friend on Christmas day at least in the evening when I make it back home from work you have my phone number call me.

Whether hubby intends to or not this is abuse emotional abuse and you do not have to take it. But it is up to you to decide what you want to do about it. Know that whatever you decide I and the good people here will be 100% behind you

Love Leona
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Quiting smoking is like a fine wine ......
It just gets better with age.
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Cowgirl UP!



Quit Date:
July 26, 2004

Posts: 5029
Location: Ala

PostPosted: April 13, 2005 12:28 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Barb,

Bless your heart girl, you have had a hard time with your in laws....I will send you a PM as to what I really think since it could come across a bit bitchy Laughing

I am proud of you for not smoking and for striving to make it through it all....you have done a remarkable job.
Kay
_________________

All with a little help from my friends, COWGIRL UP
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