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Carla
Quit Date: -
Posts: 347 Location: Kansas City, MO
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Posted: May 7, 2004 8:13 AM Post subject: Lost a Friend of 20 Years |
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Background: About the middle of December last year, a close friend (we have worked together at various places for 20 years) told me she had emphysema. She hasn't told anyone else, not even her husband, and didn't plan to. She was going to quit smoking at the first of the year. On the spur of the moment I decided to quit, too. I quit. She quit for a few days and started smoking again and continues to smoke.
She's angry with me for accomplishing something she has tried to do many times. I'm angry with her for continuing to kill herself. But that is her right, just as it was mine to smoke for 20 plus years. I think she knows being angry with me is unreasonable, but emotions don't have to make sense.
Obviously, we don't take our several "smoke breaks" any more. We don't go out for lunch or stop after work for a drink. I was stopping by her desk to say hello or calling to say hi, but I've stopped now because she's not very responsive. We're polite strangers now. We pass in the halls and say "hello, how are you" and that's about it.
I miss my friend. _________________
Carla
Quit Date: January 4, 2004 |
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jahunta
Quit Date: -
Posts: 1129 Location: Silicon(e) Valley, CA
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Posted: May 7, 2004 8:26 AM Post subject: |
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Hi Carla,
I'm sorry to hear about that. It's a shame that people will not be truthful with themselves. I'm sure she's hurting inside too about not being with you, but like you said, it was your choice to quit as it was her choice to continue smoking. You can't change people. I learned that after a smoking friend of mine quit when she went in for major artery surgery on her neck (smoking related), and then picked it up again when she had major stresses with her mother. She hid it for a while, and when I quit, I could totally smell it on her, and i really hated that she picked it up again, and confronted her with it, but...she still smokes. She first said, well, I only smoke about 5 a day...but now, I see her taking breaks at LEAST that many times.
I'm sorry about your friend. But you continue your quit. That's all that should matter.
Nita _________________
Quitting is Living!!!
QD: 2/15/04 |
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Tammy
Quit Date: February 16, 2004
Posts: 2565 Location: Florida
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Posted: May 7, 2004 10:18 AM Post subject: |
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Carla, That is so sad. I bet you do miss your friend. She is not angry with you. She is angry with herself. She is angry that she is still smoking. She is in denial. I think I would be inclined to continue to stop by her desk occasionaly to say how are you. I'd tell here that I miss her. Maybe that would open the door. _________________
Tammy
Free and loving it! |
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alison
Quit Date: June 3, 2003
Posts: 751 Location: Next Stop, Michigan
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Posted: May 7, 2004 12:03 PM Post subject: |
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I'm sorry you have lost your friend. It is so very hard for an addict to see someone escape their addiction, especially if she is suffering health effects. It isn't about you at all it is about her feelings of failure. You may have lost her for good, unfortunately it happens. I truely believe that my quitting smoking was more than my husband could take and was the trigger for my eventual break-up. Addiction is a cruel master and often people push away the very people who could help them to save themselves. It is the nature of the beast.
Keep your quit and leave her alone. She will reach out or she won't but you shouldn't beat yourself up over it, it is the addiction, not you that is keeping you apart. _________________
I wish you peace.
alison |
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Zuzu
Quit Date: -
Posts: 962 Location: Marin
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Posted: May 7, 2004 1:32 PM Post subject: |
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If it doesn't bother you too much to have a drink with her while she smokes, you might consider asking her out after work. She might feel that YOU judge her for not being able to accomplish what you did.. in the same way you feel judged by her for accomplishing what she did not. I bet if you go out and talk about it that what's come between you is fear of judgement and not actual judgement.. just the fear of it. Break the silence!
AND, by the way, AWESOME quit you have going!!
-Zuzu |
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Carol
Quit Date: December 9, 2009
Posts: 631 Location: Wisconsin
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Posted: May 7, 2004 1:33 PM Post subject: |
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Carla
I would assume that your friend is feeling very shameful. Especially since you are the one she chose to share the frightening news about her emphysema. I know how sad you are about not having her in your life. I too have lost friends due to their continuation of feeding their addiction, and I wept. If you have reached out your hand without it being full of reprimands and she has rejected it.....I don't know what else you can do expect feel sad for her and grieve the loss of your friendship. I am so sorry this is happening. _________________
WALK TALL WALK PROUD
CAROL |
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law_girl_1969
Quit Date: -
Posts: 626 Location: Freeburg, Illinois
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Posted: May 7, 2004 1:38 PM Post subject: |
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I'm sorry, Carla. I've had a couple friends that have responded similarly, and it does hurt.
But, let's remember, the last thing an addict wants to face before he/she is ready is their addiction. Seeing someone else quit disrupts their junkie thinking that quitting is impossible. And being around you may just be too difficult for her right now.
That being said, YOU are making the right choice, and what a wonderful example you can set. I know your feelings are hurting right now, but try to leave a door open so that if and when she comes asking for your help, your heart won't have hardened too much to answer her. You can't make her quit, you can only hope that she someday feels the freedom that you have found!!! _________________
Lynn
"There are those who think they can and those who think they can't and they are both right." Henry Ford |
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