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An excuse to smoke

 
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alison



Quit Date:
June 3, 2003

Posts: 751
Location: Next Stop, Michigan

PostPosted: May 21, 2005 10:55 AM    Post subject: An excuse to smoke Reply with quote

I'm scared.

Not for myself, although is will affect me greatly, but for the man I love. He is unhappy with his weight and made a few comments last week about starting back smoking (he is quit ~9 months) to lose weight. It was said in jest but with a grain of longing I believe. Now his job is in jeopardy and although he hasn't refered to it (smoking) yet he is despondent and I am not very good at supporting people. I seem to pathologically say and do the wrong thing. So I do what I can and I wait to see if he uses this stress as an excuse, we are after all addicts and allowing trauma to act as a justification fo returning to old patterns it is not unheard of.

What will I do if he returns to his addiction, how will I be with him after I have enjoyed this wonderous time of smokelessness? Of course I am probably putting the horse before the cart, but still, I thought I could shelter myself from all this. We are not married after all but I couldn't leave him over smoking any more than if he loses his job. It is all very reminiscent of my past and it is hard not to see similarities whether they exist or not.

I don't expect there is anything I can do, he will make his own decision as I have made mine. For me there is no reason, none, to start back into my addiction.

I can't voice my fear to him (he has enough to deal with) so I am here where a know I can let this go. Thanks for listening.
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I wish you peace.

alison
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Seabrez



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 4458
Location: Gulf Coast

PostPosted: May 21, 2005 11:13 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alison,

I know the fear you are facing inside yourself for your man. Whether smoking is the issue or other issues, we, as women, long and fear for our men.

You are right in saying that it is his decision. It is...but what he is really longing for and needing is comfort and acceptance as a man and who he is. A man gets so much of his self esteem from his woman in the areas of honor and respect. Since they are wired as the "provider", the job issue is like "huge" for them in the respect area and in your eyes. Not to say to us, as women, that we see them as only the "provider", but it's an area at hits home with men closely. And the appearance also. They need our respect and reassurance in these areas.

Be there for him!!! You don't need to say a word about smoking. Show him unconditional love in where he is at right now. Lavious him with affection and attention....geniune and sincere!! Hold his head in your lap, and run your fingers through his hair. Hug him and speak uplifting "meaningful and loving" words to him. Touch him sweetly at all times. These ways speak love to him....and hold him with high respect and admiration. These a man needs. He needs comfort now....be that comfort for him as his woman and love.

Blessings to you Alison!

Love
_________________

Living in Freedom
Deb

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 2 Corn 5:17 NASB
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Pamela



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3542
Location: Gardiner, NY

PostPosted: May 21, 2005 12:01 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi alison, so good to hear from you. Deb makes so much sense. you know that you can't make any decisions for him about smoking, it's all our own, lonely choice to make.

However, the next times he mentions starting back (and believe me, if he mentions it out loud to you, he's hoping for some intervention, he wants to see what your reaction is) let him know that there are other ways to deal with stress than smoking Wink . If you would be disappointed in him, tell him so. Doesn't mean you love him any less, but I know it would hurt you.

In the meantime, as Deb says, just be there for him, and let him know that "smokes" will never love him back like you do!

Stay the course, and neve allow anyone or anything to rule you again!
_________________

FIVE + years of freedom and loving it!
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
-

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: May 21, 2005 1:29 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

i can't really add much to what deb and pam have said already, and (for a change) i'm not even going to try.

(((alison)))
_________________

keep choosing life!

kevin

the zen of the quit
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kannprint



Quit Date:
April 10, 2004

Posts: 4988
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: May 21, 2005 1:52 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alison, you've gotten wonderful advice from Deb and Pamela. There's no way you can make this decision for him but what a shame it would be for him to drop a 9 month quit. If he begins talking of smoking again, perhaps you could ask if he'd like to go for a walk or something else that may take his mind off his current problems.

I wish you only the best and my prayers are with both of you.
_________________

LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH.
Jo
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Cowgirl UP!



Quit Date:
July 26, 2004

Posts: 5029
Location: Ala

PostPosted: May 21, 2005 2:09 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, if you wanted some awesome advice, you got it.....I hope all turns out well.
Kay
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All with a little help from my friends, COWGIRL UP
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Backfist



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 340
Location: Rome, Georgia

PostPosted: May 21, 2005 5:15 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Alison,

Hmmm, somehow I doubt that you're "not very good at supporting people." And I also doubt that you "pathologically say and do the wrong thing!"

I hope your guy decides not to pick up a cigarette, but if he does, well, it's his choice and I'm sure you will find out the best path for YOU to take through it all. I'm glad you came here to unload! I just used Marvel's 19 month ramble to unload my own crap!

I have a feeling you're going to be fine! If all else fails, go for a great hike!

(And I also understand the part about it all being reminiscent of your own past.)

Dekie
2.5 Years TODAY
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marw



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3634
Location: Chicago, IL

PostPosted: May 21, 2005 11:01 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alison,

I think you are very good at supporting others. I seem to remember this from the old days here at woofmang.

If I were in danger of losing my quit (say I was having the problems your guy is having--the doubts and worries and stress), I would not want someone to "understand about smoking!" Not that you would do that, but still I would want the other person to do anything at all to keep me FROM smoking! Because I would not really be wanting to smoke--just temporarily emotionally weakened by circumstance. And while it is always choice, it sure helps when other people can talk a person out of a tough place like that. He will thank you for it later. And you can do it, if the need arises. Would he be interested in posting here? We would all like to help. Have faith. You will know exactly the right thing to say when or if the time comes.

Lucky you to have a wonderful guy, too. I bet he is very special and a total sweetheart! Tell him your non--smoking buddies do not allow sweetheart guys to smoke! Laughing Laughing

btw: I hope it was O.K. for me to say this. It was just what came to me.

Love to you,
_________________

Margaret
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Tammy



Quit Date:
February 16, 2004

Posts: 2565
Location: Florida

PostPosted: May 22, 2005 11:10 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alison, First let me say how wonderful it is to see you on the boards. A big hello. You already got some awesome advice. Nothing I can say can compare to that. I just wanted to address the following:
Quote:
I am not very good at supporting people.


To that I say WHAT Question Question Question How many countless times you have supported a lot of us on these boards here and at FFS? Alison trust yourself. You are full of great quit smoking wisdom and support.

The other thought I had was this: He has been quit for 9 months in 3 more months his metabolism will shift back to where it was when he quit. 3 months is not long to wait . Also could it be a 3 thing? Will he come to the boards? Will he read Nicodemons Lies? You are one of the best supporters I know so get to supportin' Very Happy Love you, keep us posted.
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Tammy
Free and loving it!
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alison



Quit Date:
June 3, 2003

Posts: 751
Location: Next Stop, Michigan

PostPosted: May 22, 2005 12:29 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

First of all let me say thank you so much for the advice and support. I love that I can still come here after all this time and find friends.

Second, perhaps I mis-stated myself when I said I don't support people well. It seems in my 3D life I have a tendencyto try and fix things leading to enabling behavior. I am uncertain as to how much responsibility I bear for the dependency that my ex had on me. It doesn't help that my ex lost his job just prior to moving in with me and the fact that my sweetheart and I will be moving into a new shared apartmentnext month.

I will be strong because I have no other choice but I am so thankful to have a place to come and voice my fears.

You are all so wonderful. Thank you for being here and not forgetting me.
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I wish you peace.

alison
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Barbara K.



Quit Date:
December 23, 2004

Posts: 5977

PostPosted: May 23, 2005 12:23 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy Hi Alison,

I would also think like Magaret said, that your better half, may really be asking for intervention in going back to smoking. Only you really know deep down what the best thing for you to do.

Blessings,
_________________

Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.

Blessings,
Barbara K.
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flooringgirl



Quit Date:
January 30, 2005

Posts: 11
Location: Mt Horeb Wis

PostPosted: May 24, 2005 6:31 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just wanted to say I know you will do the right thing when the time comes.
I an new to this site but the support is remarkable and I am so glad to be here.
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Fightn4life



Quit Date:
October 23, 2003

Posts: 1573
Location: Loysburg, PA

PostPosted: May 26, 2005 6:13 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alison, you have so much wonderful advice right here. Please know you are in my prayers...I believe if you are faced with this new hurtle you will know which path to take.

Living with a smoker is not easy at all, but love does prevail all. All I can add is how I deal every day…I tell myself my choice, my quit, my life. I choose life.

Every thing else in life is a choice as well.



We all can get by with a little help from our friends.

Sandyz
581 day's breathing free

_________________

"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."

~Anonymous
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