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justtheprincess



Quit Date:
December 1, 2013

Posts: 162
Location: San Diego

PostPosted: July 19, 2006 12:42 PM    Post subject: My turn Reply with quote

Regardless of the program, regardless of the addiction, people are grateful for the comfort of knowing that someone out there is like them. I know that I am grateful when folks respond to my posts and share in the parts of my life I have invited them into.

Each day that I respond to a post someone thanks me. It is I who should be thanking you.

This is a selfish program. While I do care about each and every person that comes through this program, I am here for me. I never, ever, ever want to smoke again! . In case I wasn't clear, I NEVER EVER EVER WANT TO SMOKE AGAIN! .

Every gesture you share with me. Every post you respond to. Every time someone says "go girl" or just posts a picture of a smiley face, I am able to get up, make my bed, brush my teeth and face another day free from smoking.

I have not smoked in over three years. The last five months of my life have been a rollercoaster ride. I have not found a right relationship with God. I lost it somewhere and I have been sitting here trying to control things that just can't be controlled. I walked away from Him and didn't stay vigil. . And, that has triggered in me a bunch of old ideas and behaviors. The urge is there. The urge to say "F&*# it all" and go back to my old ways is sitting there just waiting for me to say okay, "I'm in". Am I afraid to smoke? YES!! I can't tell you how natural it would feel (in my head) to pick up a smoke right now and just puff away like I was making love to long lost boyfriend.

I have been lingering around the message boards and in other areas of my life hoping the fellowship of man could bring me back to my Higher Power. I am trying to regain faith, let go of the reigns and be guided. Part of that process is to write this. I cannot control people, places and things. I cannot control people, places and things. I cannot control people, places and things. I can only work on having a right relationship with God and let him guide me down the right path.

I will not smoke today. I will not let that nasty demon back in my life. I don't want to go through that first 90 days again. Adversity has it's blessings, but those first 90 days were the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. I don't want to have to go back and say, I'm at day 1.

I would let myself down
I would let my children down
I would let my family down
I would let every member who ever gave me an ounce of encouragement at FFS, Woofmang and Whyquit down
I would be destroying lungs that are already in disrepair
I would not be able to walk again
I would lose the circulation I just got back
I would smell
I would taste like an ashtray
My fingers and teeth would go yellow again
I would burn holes in the new car I bought with the money I saved from not smoking
..... ad infinitum

Sandi
Day 1310 and I'm not throwing them away!!!!
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
-

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: July 19, 2006 2:09 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

sandi, you wrote:
I have been ... hoping the fellowship of man could bring me back to my Higher Power.

george carlin once said that all major religions teach a variation of the principle, "love god, love your neighbor, love yourself", because basically they're all the same person. there's deep wisdom in that, even though - on the surface level - he was saying it to be funny.

i think your hope is well-founded. Smile
_________________

keep choosing life!

kevin

the zen of the quit
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Pamela



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3542
Location: Gardiner, NY

PostPosted: July 19, 2006 4:04 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I will not smoke today.


We know that, Sandi. I know it. Now, you know it. I have faith in you that you will not smoke for right now.

Group Hug?


_________________

FIVE + years of freedom and loving it!
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londa



Quit Date:
July 28, 2004

Posts: 2469
Location: new york, USA

PostPosted: July 19, 2006 5:03 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi sweetie! I sent you a pm

Love, Londa
_________________

My name is Londa. I am 57 and I act like I'm 20. I love to laugh and smile. The more the better. Being kind to someone is the best thing you can do.
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Barbara K.



Quit Date:
December 23, 2004

Posts: 5977

PostPosted: July 19, 2006 7:59 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy Hi Sandi,

I felt the same way last year after I lost my mom and the incurring crap that followed. It came to me this year that basically it's just God and me, and that's when my relationship got better with him. For somewhere it is written when there is nothing but you and God, you will be closer to him.

Blessings,
_________________

Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.

Blessings,
Barbara K.
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sammie



Quit Date:
June 13, 2006

Posts: 80
Location: Midwest, USA

PostPosted: July 19, 2006 10:21 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Sandy. I was reading your recent posts which led me to reading some older ones and wow! You been through the wringer. Still going through, it looks like. (That's putting it nicely, I think we're not supposed to use bad words around here? Bit of a challenge for me.) Embarassed

Anyhow, I'm new here. I'm a mom too and while I can't relate to your exact circumstances, I relate to you as a mom. I know what it's like to want to be better in my relationship with God. I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say that smoking right now would feel natural and like hopping in the sack with an old love. Well put, my friend. I'm right there with you. Hell, let's be honest, there are a lot of seductive things about smoking, that's why people do it.

But there's lots of crappy things about smoking. You listed a few in your post. I think the biggie for me is, I'm not going back to the beginning.

So, I don't think you're *really* going to, but just in case: please don't smoke. That's not much to offer, but I know in my very early days here, someone said that to me and it helped. A stranger asked me not to smoke, and I didn't. I trusted her and that trust was not misplaced.

I can't know you from reading a few posts. BUT, I can say you strike me as a "real" person, which is my way of saying that you are not living your life in a haze (I don't mean a cloud of cigarette smoke, but that too) as I think about 80% of humans do. They don't look too hard in the mirror and they just sort of float along, skimming the surface. Personally I don't consider that a life lived, but it works for some people. You, on the other hand, are feeling it and getting dirty and stripping away the layers - but always learning.

A therapist once said to me, "Well, I'll say this for you: you keep on getting up off the mat." That's what you're doing. I think Kevin said something along these lines too. You just keep on.

And when you hurt so much, it seems like it'd be much easier to be in a haze. But I think (I'm counting on) that we're better off to keep working, keep peeling back, keep learning, and ultimately, from all that &*@ ! , keep improving.

Hang in there.
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Cowgirl UP!



Quit Date:
July 26, 2004

Posts: 5029
Location: Ala

PostPosted: July 19, 2006 11:00 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sandi, you certainly have had a rough go of it but I seem to always sense a strong feeling of strength in your posts.....you may be hurting, sad or just trying to help another but I always hear your strength....must be coming from somewhere huh?
Kay
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All with a little help from my friends, COWGIRL UP
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swaneem



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 1298
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: July 20, 2006 12:39 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sandi,

Life can be a real challenge and we're always faced with constant change...good or bad.....but I've found that I can deal with life one day at a time....just like choosing not to smoke in the moment.....living in the moment.

It's in the moment that we find our power.

Donna
_________________

Just when the caterpillar thought his world was
coming to an end..........God made him a
BUTTERFLY.


Last edited by swaneem on July 20, 2006 9:31 AM; edited 1 time in total
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marw



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3634
Location: Chicago, IL

PostPosted: July 20, 2006 1:05 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sandi,

I agree with just about everything Sammie wrote to you, although I am not a Mom. (I was however a school teacher.....not the same, I know, but I did love my kids.) A favorite cousin of mine has had some of the problems of your daughter, and many of my school kids did.

I really like this part about just keep getting up off the matt. What else can we do? I think this is the key. It is just like when we just refused to smoke. We just stubbornly go ahead and do what we really want to do, which is NOT to smoke. The idea that we want to smoke is just an illusion. We do not really want to.

I also thought there was great wisdom in Kevin's quote he sent.

Do not smoke, Sandi. Let me be your memory, if you have forgotten. Which we all forget sometimes. If you smoke, you are NOT going to receive any comfort at all, and on the contrary, you are going to feel sick as a dog. Your nerves are going to be much worse than they are now, because the nicotine will prevent you from handling the problems you have had as well as you have. If you go back to being in a haze, you will no longer see things clearly, and thus be less help to your daughter. But worse of all will be the nervousness from smoking. Believe me, at this moment I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN!

I know this, because I had just tried to quit on my own (no support group) and failed just prior to finding ffs and this site. After I found it, I was able to get through those "illusions" and keep the quit. But I remember PAINFULLY AND WITH TERROR how nervous the cigs will make me.

They will you, too. So for now I am your memory, and you will be mine when I need it, for we are all only human and we forget at times.

Take a walk in a garden somewhere (without the cigs) and you will find you are one with God. I am sure of it!

You are a wonderful person, Sandi! And you get so much done! I have never met another person who could accomplish so much in relationships as you do. I am looking at this from the outside, so I see more objectively, perhaps?

Blessed be, Sandi.

And keep posting. We love you! Very Happy
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Margaret
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Backfist



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 340
Location: Rome, Georgia

PostPosted: July 20, 2006 5:55 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Sandi! Naw, you're not gonna smoke. You may run screaming around the block, but you won't smoke!

Dekie
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quit date: November 21, 2002
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alleghany



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 2049

PostPosted: July 20, 2006 9:58 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can't imagine the pain of having a child in pain. But, I believe God gave her you and your strength will help carry her through.

Sending prayers.
_________________

Face your fears.
Quit date: June 6, 2004
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justtheprincess



Quit Date:
December 1, 2013

Posts: 162
Location: San Diego

PostPosted: July 20, 2006 11:56 AM    Post subject: As always Reply with quote

Thank you. Thank you for the strength. I feel good this morning. My daughter is pushing all of the boundaries at once, so I am going to take them each one at a time. We've worked through the cutting for now, at least for now. She hasn't cut in a month. I have come to the conclusion that she was using cutting to feel control, over me. The minute I admitted complete defeat over the cutting and that I could not control it, she stopped cutting. I feel she stopped cutting because I stopped reacting emotionally. I know many cutters out there might disagree, but they also don't know the power struggles and manipulation she is capable of.

Now we are onto the other negative 15 year old behaviors such as truancy and missing schoolwork. Today, I stayed in bed waiting to see if she would get up and go to school. As far as she knew, I was already at work. At 20 minutes before school I woke her up and asked her if there was some place she needed to be. I got her there, just for today. A co-worker and friend is going to switch hours with me so I can make sure she makes it the next six days, then she can have the remainder of her summer. God provides the miracles we need when we get on our knees and pray for guidance.

I love all of your words. They are sticking with me and in me and I can hear them echoing in my head. Thank you all so much.

Sandi
_________________

YOU are the only YOU YOU have. Take care of YOU!

~ Love, Sandi
One day at a time
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ms_tapestry



Quit Date:
October 21, 2009

Posts: 2574
Location: Seminole, TX

PostPosted: July 21, 2006 1:33 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Someone very special to me once told me that the world will still turn if I'm not there to push it with my little finger. I thought at the time and still think that is a very liberating statement. God is there with you, as he has always been. Just reach out and take his hand. Hugs sweetie. I'm praying for you.
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Tonya

You must do the very thing you think you cannot do.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
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Barbara K.



Quit Date:
December 23, 2004

Posts: 5977

PostPosted: July 21, 2006 6:46 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy Hi Sandi,

It sounds like the worst is over. You did wonderful.

Blessings,
Barbara
_________________

Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.

Blessings,
Barbara K.
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