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Lori



Quit Date:
March 18, 2006

Posts: 521
Location: Pennsylvania, USA

PostPosted: July 25, 2006 3:11 PM    Post subject: help Reply with quote

This morning my mind conjured a very real and very tempting scenario of going to buy a pack of cigarettes, then heading to the park and smoking the whole blasted thing. I think it was the first time since I quit that I’ve felt like I was envisioning an actual plan. It shook me up a little, but I put it aside and went about my business. Just now though, out of the blue (I was getting a drink of water), it came to me again, and this time ... dear God, this time, I broke out in a sweat. My heart started racing and I got that old feeling in my lungs (my crave sensations were always centered in my lungs). I’m shaking as I type.

Today would have been my father’s birthday. He died while I was in high school (his addiction took him). I thought I was at peace with that, but maybe, maybe I’m not ... Has this ever happened to any of you? I think your stories are about the only thing that could bring comfort to me right now.
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Pamela



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3542
Location: Gardiner, NY

PostPosted: July 25, 2006 3:28 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, a strong emotion tied to smoking a cigarette. Yes, Lori, this has probably happened to all of us.

I think that's what this is all about, Lori. When you're in full blown addiction, you need to justify EVERY cigarette, so virtually every single thing you do triggers a smoke break.

When you first quit, the "habit" smokes, which may seem like they would be the hardest to give up, are sometimes the easiest.

As you successfully get "over" many of the triggers that used to demand a cigarette, you are left with the ones that are tied to really strong emotions, and the ones that might only hit you occasionally and out of the blue.

You were probably thinking about your father, either consciously or not, and wham....the strong emotion triggered a strong memory of smoking.

As disconcerting as it may seem, remember that someone would need to tie you down and force a lit cigarette into your mouth against your will and better judgement. So, as painful as it is to remember your dad's passing, just keep chosing to continue to not smoke.

Laughing Demon will continue to try to get you back, and if he can't nag at you every minute and every hour, he might just try to save it up for one big whallop. However, you are smarter than Laughing Demon and can see past this stinkin' thinkin'.

You are doing great. Good for you for posting and not going out and acting on your impulse. Keep it going.
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FIVE + years of freedom and loving it!
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sammie



Quit Date:
June 13, 2006

Posts: 80
Location: Midwest, USA

PostPosted: July 25, 2006 3:52 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, thank you Lori for posting.

The more I learn about the subconscious mind, the more surprised I am at how much we don't have control over. Your subconcscious might have been thinking about your dad's birthday way before it moved onto your conscious radar screen.

You are several months into your quit so I'm sure this unnerved you, but I'm glad you are hanging tough.
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Backfist



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 340
Location: Rome, Georgia

PostPosted: July 25, 2006 4:02 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Lori. I can relate to what you are going through! My mother died when I was ten--34 years ago--and I still have moments when grief nearly knocks me off my feet. In fact, just last week (ok, it was during PMS-time) I had a big cry over something not related to her death at all, and I still had a HUGE wave of missing her. So your feelings about your dad are completely HEALTHY and NORMAL. No one ever tells us such major grief will be a part of us for the rest of our lives, but it's true. We just learn how to live around it, so to speak.

I don't think about my mom every day, but I will always think of her at times for the rest of my life, I know. In a twist of fate, she died on May 14, which was Mother's Day that year, so every year I get a bittersweet reminder of her on Mother's Day. And I think that this year, Mother's Day was the 14th again.

So Yes, I would say that your "fantasy cigarette daydream" of this morning is tied to the anniversary of your dad's death. Isn't old Laughing Demon sneaky??!! Just don't smoke, and you will be fine. Cry if you need to, or remember your dad some other way, but not with a cigarette! Hey, could it be subconsciously you would like for your dad to see the success you are having overcoming your own addiction?? Just a thought, but our minds work in mysterious ways!

Just to let you know, even during my big cry/emotional breakdown of last week, I didn't even think of smoking, so there's light at the end of the quit-smoking tunnel!

Dekie
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Barbara K.



Quit Date:
December 23, 2004

Posts: 5977

PostPosted: July 25, 2006 6:43 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lori,

When I had reached the 500 day marker of my quit I seemed to get really bad craves, although probably just thougts like craves, for a couple of months. After my separation I found myself all alone with hardly any 3-D contact and I mourned the loss of my mom all over. I also believe or not, mourned the loss of my abusive husband. I still feel lonely but I have adjusted to it to where it's not so dramatric or causing me to think about smoking.

Lori I hope you feel better about things soon.

Blessings,
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Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.

Blessings,
Barbara K.
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marw



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3634
Location: Chicago, IL

PostPosted: July 26, 2006 3:47 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lori, the hardest time I had, and the closest I came to losing my quit was last February when my best friend--my soul mate died. I was almost 2 years quit, and yet I was so over-come. What saved me was posting, and finally realizing that even if I smoked, the grief would not lessen. It is such a hard thing. You didn't say which addiction killed your father, but a beloved uncle of mine died from alcohol addiction, and 2 other uncles from smoking.....one from lung cancer.

My Dad is dead also, and I still grieve at times.

You will get past this. Do not smoke!!!! But DO KEEP POSTING your feelings. No feelings are too much to post when it comes to not letting the demon get to us, or even if we just need a friend. I find many times I get help with things here, even when I'm not craving, and of course always if I do (I don't anymore....very rarely......blesssed be!)

Hang in there! Many hugs to you!!
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Margaret
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Mary Dude



Quit Date:
June 15, 2004

Posts: 4803
Location: Pittsburgh, PA

PostPosted: July 26, 2006 7:24 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lori - I couldn't respond when I first read your post...I was tired and tearful. You've gotten some good info - when are emotions are high old Laughing Demon will be close by - tempting and tricking. Its very important you recognize what's going on and see the reality - smoking is not the way to cope with grief, loss, or any other emotional struggle. Putting the pieces together to understand what's going on is the key to getting past these strong mental suggestions to return to addiction. It always comes back to making a choice...choose freedom!! Stop by here and you'll get a second, third and fourth perspective on almost any issue or problem!!
Keep your quit strong!! Stay free!
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Mary D.
Smoke-free one day at a time!
Worry doesn't help tomorrow's troubles, but it does ruin today's happiness!
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alleghany



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 2049

PostPosted: July 26, 2006 9:13 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I believe addictions are a family issue and your mind is coming to terms with this. Breaking a cycle is never easy. But, you are doing it!

We are all here for you! Cool
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Quit date: June 6, 2004
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Wanda



Quit Date:
March 15, 2004

Posts: 425
Location: Carlisle, PA

PostPosted: July 26, 2006 9:35 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

lori,

believe it or not at 28 months quit every now and again i sometimes think of sneaking a cigarette. i think no one will know, then i come back to reality and think i will know, and there is no such thing as one cigarette for me.

i'm an addict, i will always be an addict. it didn't go away because i quit smoking. i must always remain aware of this fact, and stay guarded against these crazy thoughts.

as long as you don't act on the thoughts they get easier to brush away.

keep up the good work!
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Wanda
Quit Date 03/15/04
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swaneem



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 1298
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: July 26, 2006 10:41 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Lori,

Any "anniversary" that is associated with a deep sadness will always be tough. I have many in my life as well. My fiance died in a car crash...he fell asleep at the wheel. And even though that was 12 years ago.....when that day hits...OR his birthday....he is always on my mind.

Smoking...though....really has nothing to do with it....somehow in our minds....we twist it so that it does.

Hang in, Lori. No matter what.....don't pick up that poison again.

Hugs,

Donna
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Just when the caterpillar thought his world was
coming to an end..........God made him a
BUTTERFLY.
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Lori



Quit Date:
March 18, 2006

Posts: 521
Location: Pennsylvania, USA

PostPosted: July 26, 2006 12:20 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks gals, I think you all are spot on. The urges were triggered by emotions that, in Sammie's words, had not even made my conscious radar screen. I awoke yesterday morning and said “happy birthday” to my dad first thing. I was thinking about him, but wasn’t conscious of feeling any upset. As I was getting ready for work, I found myself visualizing the plan to smoke. Aside from the sheer shock of it, there were some other elements that really disturbed me. First, it was an actual scheme, with details – I knew which store, which park, even which table I would sit at in the park. And second, it came from that part of my brain that lulls any and all self-recrimination. I call it going on auto-pilot. It is almost a trance-like state and it is the most convenient means I’ve ever found for luring myself into indulging my impulses. I just shut off all sense of conscience ... there’s plenty of time for that later ... and feel nothing but how good it would feel to indulge my addiction ...

After reading your responses, I braced my courage for a look inward ... to shed light on the stuff I wanted to keep in the dark ... to keep concealed in a cloud of smoke.

If nothing else, I suppose I can see my addiction as sort of an emotional trick knee. Just as an old physical injury can foretell the weather, my addiction urges can disclose feelings I’m not aware of or trying to keep hidden.

Yeah, that old demon sure is sneaky. Pam, yours is truly the voice of reason. I don’t know how you do it, but you always manage to bring order to chaos. I find great relief in that. Sammie, you were dead on in saying the urges betrayed feelings that hadn’t made my radar. And yes, being several months along did make it unnerving – not because I believe it should be behind me now, but because time makes it easier to forget the pain that strengthened my quit in the early days. Dekie, thanks for sharing a story so personal. And for revealing a circumstance entirely unknown to me – the ability to grieve without a thought of smoking. That was truly enlightening. Barbara honey, your strength is such an inspiration to me! You are an amazing woman. Margaret, I’ve always sensed a kindred spirit in your sensitivity. Thank you for reassuring me that “no feelings are too much to post when it comes to not letting the demon get to us, or even if we just need a friend.” I often stifle myself with thoughts like, “oh I don’t want to bore others with my whining” or “who wants to be around such a downer.” Mary, I hope you are feeling better today. Thanks for taking the time to respond to my problem in the midst of your own. I always appreciate your practical and trustworthy advice. (To answer your question, my dad was an alcoholic.) Alleghany, I know you understand – we have so much in common. Donna, I always love hearing your thoughts. You have such an original perspective and your words always stick with me. Wanda, wow. You really said it. “I will always be an addict. It didn’t go away because I quit smoking.” No truer words have ever been spoken.

So, I'm still hanging in there. Feel pretty sad and uncomfortable, but not acting on any impulses. Thanks gang.
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Free



Quit Date:
May 12, 2006

Posts: 826
Location: USA

PostPosted: July 26, 2006 3:33 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Glad to hear you & your quit are still going strong.
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Become addicted to constant and never ending self improvement.

The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.

Realize that true happiness lies within you.
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