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What I believe

 
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Lady



Quit Date:
July 1, 2005

Posts: 378
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: March 22, 2007 8:11 PM    Post subject: What I believe Reply with quote

I think that somewhere among all this confusion and deep thought process I'm going through I am finding my own worth. I was in tears off and on for a few days. I have played out all kinds of senarios in my mind. I am not one to play games. I have been taking time to think and time to process.

I don't like the feelings and the thoughts that are running through my mind. I feel as if my emotions are spinning out of control and I can't stop. Well, guess what? That is BS. I am in control. I can choose to let those emotions control me and mess up my life just as I have always done in the past; OR I can choose to live in a new world. One where there is love and caring. A world where I matter and I am special just the way I am. A world where there are people that truly love me.

I can choose to believe that the last year and a half of my life has all been a lie or I can choose to believe that it has been one of the best time periods of my life. I can choose to be excited about the new future or I can dwell on the doubt that comes to mind. I can function and continue to move forward or I can shut down and close myself back off from everyone I know and love That is some pretty serious introspect.

I will let you know that I'm battling those choices, every single one of them right now. It is my choice and I realize that. I can take the path of least resistance or I can stand up and fight the negativity. I am fighting a battle within here and I wanted to share that with you. I want you to know exactly where I am today. Can anyone help me? I really don't know. Please pray for me as well. I feel so far from God right now. It is I that has moved away not Him but I am asking you to please pray that He wrap His arms around me and guide me to where He wants me to go.

I sent this and some more information in an email to a very good friend the other day. I thought I would share this portion of it. When I quit smoking, many people told me that I had made a choice to quit smoking and it was a good choice. I am now trying to apply those tools I learned in quitting to fighting the depression. It isn't easy by I'm fighting the battle and I refuse to give up. Just like I refuse to give up my quit.

Lady
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I cannot change the past, but the future is waiting for me.
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
-

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: March 22, 2007 10:10 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

a wise person once told me, "don't look back: you're not going that way." really "getting" that was a big turning point for me. sounds like you're getting there, too. good for you! Smile
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kevin

the zen of the quit
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Doggygirl



Quit Date:
February 26, 2007

Posts: 788
Location: Joliet, IL

PostPosted: March 23, 2007 11:43 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Lady. I have been moved by your posts. I am so new here, and don't know you. I sense that you are struggling with way more within yourself than just your decision to quit smoking. You mention "choice" strongly in your above post. I urge you to really grab that mentally. We have WAY more choice in our lives (IMO of course) than we often want to admit.

I used to let my random moods and mindsets dictate my days. i.e. if I felt *pissy* about something as non-essential as needing to plunge the toilet today, I might just "wake up on the wrong side of the bed" tomorrow. That's a really basic and sort of non-essential example, but it's the kind of example that for me, taught me to CHOOSE for MYSELF which side of the bed I get up on. I can CHOOSE to start the day with a smile on my face, or a frown on my face. I can CHOOSE to let the things that deeply worry me lead me into a slump of depression for the day, or I can choose to takcle my problems with an attitude of looking for solutions to my problems.

Believe me, after 49 years of experience, I KNOW how to host a glorious pity party for myself during a rough period. (which might be as short as a day!) What I've learned is that my self hosted pity parties might feel good in the moment (like smoking a cigarette feels good for a short time). But crying a case of Maybeline mascara down my bathroom sink (and dealing with swolen cried out eyes for hours) isn't the answer. Serious thought, and better choices are the answer - at least to my problems anyway.

This probably sounds preachy or something - and I don't mean that. I hope you can find the strength that I KNOW is within you to be YOURSELF - the GOOD PERSON that you are - and blow off whatever negative craptacular stuff is around you that is just dragging you down.

Well, enough of my ramble. I wish you well, and mostly, I hope you realize how POWERFUL your freedom of choice really is in your own life.

(((Lady!!)))

DG Day 25 Sporting her Quitnet Big Girl Pants!
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Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same. ~Francesca Reigler
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Lady



Quit Date:
July 1, 2005

Posts: 378
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: March 23, 2007 11:55 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Doggygirl,

You reply really meant so much to me. That is exactly how I feel. I am trying to learn to take back control. Our attitudes are our choices. I have got to get a better handle on this becaue it is really getting out of hand. I liked your response and it really did help me think of things in a new way.

Congratulations on your 25 days! That is awesome!
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