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Husband quit but won't talk about it!

 
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merry



Quit Date:
August 15, 2003

Posts: 167
Location: Liberty Missouri

PostPosted: March 25, 2007 5:46 PM    Post subject: Husband quit but won't talk about it! Reply with quote

Hi all,
My need to vent sounds minor, after reading some of the postings on here from well recognized names.....Barbara K., Margaret. I'm hoping you all are doing much better now and am so happy that you didn't smoke.

My concern is about my husband who was diagnosed with heart failure in November of 2006 and quit smoking 12 days ago. I've been trying to support him, but he doesn't seem to want it. He doesn't want to tell anyone he's quit smoking, and of course I know it's because he fears failure. I left a note congratulating him on his one week anniversary. This weekend my 6 and 8 year old great nieces made cards for him saying "good job" etc. Afterwards, I made a comment about those were nice words of encouragement and he said the only encouragement he wanted was to not talk about it.

My question is how can I support him? Just honor what he says and not talk about it? Is this just a "guy thing"? Have any of you known anyone who was able to successfully quit by just "doing it" without talking about it?

This is just so opposite of the way I quit that it's hard for me to believe that he can succeed. The longest he's ever made it without relapsing is 3 weeks.
Thanks for listening and hope you all have a terrific, smoke-free tomorrow!
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Mary
Q/D: August 15, 2003
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Zuzu



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 962
Location: Marin

PostPosted: March 25, 2007 6:03 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Merry-

My partner's father quit like that. He told his wife if she could quit for two weeks, he'd quit too. After two weeks, he tossed the pack and never mentioned it again. Surely he must have suffered, but it was his British stoic way to go through that is silence.

When I stopped smoking the most important and helpful things were when Ed said to me, "you're doing a great job!" or "I'm so proud of you!" or (my personal favorite), "Can I get you some cake?"

I don't think you have to talk to him about it to support him - you can simply support him on his own terms. Randomly tell him you love him. If he gets angry and emotional and irrational, tell him it's all your fault (even if it's about the weather) and that you love him and that you're proud of him. Tell him he's doing a great job and don't even mention smoking. Randomly ask him, whatever he's doing, if he'd like some cake. Put toothpicks and small straws around the house, little bowls of nuts or candies, pick up a little more than your fair share of the household duties. Without warning, hug him. Do all the little things that make those first days and weeks a little easier despite how much they suck!

You can do all that and you never once have to mention smoking.. and yet it's all incredibly supportive!

My two cents...

-Zuzu

ps. I'd be so thrilled if Ed stopped smoking.. I'd be so pleased as punch I wouldn't mind a bit if he never wanted to talk about smoking again. If that what he needs to successfully stop, I can WAY be there like that!! I'm glad for you!
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Rusty



Quit Date:
December 13, 2004

Posts: 497
Location: North Florida

PostPosted: March 25, 2007 6:16 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

My husband is like that. When he is sick, I have to just leave him alone. Recently he had some big dental stuff and had a lot of pain. I brought him a silly card and otherwise left him be. He got his own soup whenever he was ready. Later he thanked me for the card and for leaving him alone!

We all want to be dealt with on our own terms...some of us like cake and others want nothing. Let it be.

Rusty Very Happy
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The Buddha says: Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.
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swaneem



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 1298
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: March 25, 2007 6:25 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

My question is how can I support him? Just honor what he says and not talk about it? Is this just a "guy thing"? Have any of you known anyone who was able to successfully quit by just "doing it" without talking about it?

Hi Mary,

YES...I quit like that. It started while I was in the hospital under emergency circumstances. I refused to verbally say I had quit...that felt like too much pressure.

I didn't talk about it....I didn't go to FFS....I didn't have a support group ..nor did I come to Woofmang until I was 3 months quit...I didn't feel the need. I just took one day at a time and simply didn't smoke.

Obviously....it stuck and my quit is strong.

Let your husband be when it comes to any "smoking" conversation. He's quit....and that's what is important. Just give him a big smile and hug. Very Happy

Everyone's quit is different and everyone needs to do whatever it takes for THEM to quit.

Donna
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coming to an end..........God made him a
BUTTERFLY.
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texas2step



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 793
Location: Texas

PostPosted: March 25, 2007 7:14 PM    Post subject: Oh I hear that..... Reply with quote

Goodness I hear that - when we quit I had a huge need to talk about it and my husband - well he was just done smoking and that was that he didn't want to discuss or cuss it in any way.... made me want to choke him LOL -- but it's such an individual thing this quitting that I found other people to talk to about it.... like here -Wink and a couple of friends. But with him I kept conversation to whatever he wanted to talk about. He made me crazy at first but I realized he just didn't NEED to talk about it.

Every quit is as different as the person who is making the journey. That's all, he does need your support just maybe not in the way you think. Be cheerful and remember what he's going through from your own experience..... love him and be patient. That's about all you can do. -Wink

Texas
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"You can't always have happiness, but you can always give happiness."
Anonymous

Quit: 8/14/06
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merry



Quit Date:
August 15, 2003

Posts: 167
Location: Liberty Missouri

PostPosted: March 28, 2007 6:29 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks everyone,
I knew I would get good responses from you to help me do the best thing to support my husband in his quit. He's not so much into cake but we sure are going through the popcorn!! He's on day 15 without a word about the anguish he must be going through. I'll remember all your words of advice.
Have a great day.
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Mary
Q/D: August 15, 2003
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Barbara K.



Quit Date:
December 23, 2004

Posts: 5977

PostPosted: March 30, 2007 7:12 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy Hi Mary,

i 2nd what Zuzu said. I know you must be happy that he's quitting, especially under the unfortunet codition he has. Does your hubby also have to watch his diet?

Thank you for asking about me. i am going along rather nicely lately.
It was nice to see a post from you.














t
_________________

Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.

Blessings,
Barbara K.
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Mary Dude



Quit Date:
June 15, 2004

Posts: 4803
Location: Pittsburgh, PA

PostPosted: March 30, 2007 10:57 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think you need to honor his request - but I think i'd try to also let him now that you'll support him in whatever way he needs you - and he needs to let you know what it is if you aren't just knowing what it is...and let him know that you are proud of him- maybe remind him that you know what it's like to quit!

I'm glad he's quit - but I'm sorry he has to deal with the heart problems.
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Mary D.
Smoke-free one day at a time!
Worry doesn't help tomorrow's troubles, but it does ruin today's happiness!
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Cowgirl UP!



Quit Date:
July 26, 2004

Posts: 5029
Location: Ala

PostPosted: April 2, 2007 9:46 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

When my hubby first retired, I asked a neighbor what in the world was I suppose to do with this man home all the time????/ Her answer was a good one....." Just love him". Wink
Kay
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All with a little help from my friends, COWGIRL UP
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