quit smoking support @ woofmang.com
people helping people beat the addiction to nicotine
 
help support our communityDonate FAQFAQ SearchSearch RSS FeedRSS Feed MemberlistMemberlist RegisterRegister ProfileProfile Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages Log inLog in

The Great Adventure...
Goto page 1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    quit smoking support @ woofmang.com Forum Index > stories, essays, rambles
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Zuzu



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 962
Location: Marin

PostPosted: June 8, 2004 4:11 PM    Post subject: The Great Adventure... Reply with quote

Greetings! I'm just touching base.. checking in. Things have been going swimmingly for me. I feel good. My head is clear, I can think through complex issues, I can overcome writer's block, the anger and short-tempered-ness that I had complained about previously seems to have faded and those feelings are much more "right sized" ... I'm slipping ever more and more into a good place of normalcy. I do NOT feel like I'm recovered from addiction, per se, but I feel like some awful phases are done with and where I'm at now is a good place, easier to deal with...actually FUN to deal with many if not most days.

I got a massage day before yesterday.. it's the first time I've had a male massuese... that was a little wierd. He was young. He thought I was "cool" and told me I'm in "great shape" and that my "qi is flowing great." He thanked me for letting him "serve me." At one point he'd said that something was blocked on my right side and asked my permission to work on it further. I said yes, not really understanding what he was saying or asking, and inquired what would make that happen. He explained that my qi had been blocked there and this was likely due to needing to put my heart and desires out there in a the world to fight for what I believe in. I was so taken aback by his response I just started laughing. Okay baby.. unblock my qi. (He was a nice enough boy but I'll not go to him for a massage again.)

My grandmother is turning 90 and my mother has organized a rather big to do to celebrate. I'm going back to Minneapolis to indulge in the festivities. If I were going for either myself or my grandmother I'd likely wait a week and go to see her when she's not going to be surrounded by so many people. I'm really going for my mother, however. I think this celebration is really for my grandmother's children and that's good enough reason to attend. For the past few weeks I've been amused at the notion of going back to attend the party.

My grandmother is very sweet and funny and mid-western and just a tad bit touched at this point in her life.. in a nice way. She does stitch work constantly and I have closets full of hand embroidered tea towels and pillow cases. While she used to be rather fastideous around color coordination, her most recent works have shown that she's in a cubist or impressionist phase of her art... the carrots are purple, the cabbages brown, the roses are blue, orange or multicolored. I actually like the new stuff better - it's less predictable and as such it makes me smile. That's how she is now.. less predictable. I'd taken Ed to meet her last year.

"So what nationality are your parents?" She asks him.

When he answers that his mother is American Irish and his father was Brittish I think grandma forgets her veiled reason(s) for asking the question.. to uncover if he believes in the blood of christ...

"So does your mother speak French?" She inquires, this following some practical line of inquiry in her own mind.

This is her stitchwork now too.. I'm sure it all makes sense to her and there's something comforting about just how neatly the nonsequitors all fit together and compliment one another despite how dissonant they may sound to the rest of the world. Oddly it makes me happy... likely because she's quite content around it all and that feels right and good.

When I'm 90 I'd either like to be precisely like my grandmother.. just happily content in a world built around my own personal references... everything familiar and content and understood by me... be damned the rest of the.... OR I'd like to be like those women in The Follies in Palm Springs... dancing, singing and doing cartwheels well beyond by four score and then some....

So what does this have to do with staying quit.. heh... oh... it gets round to that doesn't it. I've been looking forward to this for a few weeks now and I depart on Thursday for a long weekend and to enjoy the party. A few days ago Ed says to me, "Wow... so you haven't seen or talked to your sister in over 18 years.. how's that going to be for you??"

Well there you have it.. I really haven't thought about THAT now, have I?

Day before yesterday mom sends a missive that it's just dawned on her that it's the first time in likely nearly 20 years that all of her children have been together - so she's arranged for a family portrait to be taken while we're all there.

So it's all well and fine to be celebrating grandma but all this business of the family... well... that's just got to stop. Even THINKING about being around the whole family makes me want to smoke. I visualize myself saying, "I'm going for a walk..." and heading straight to the market for cigarettes, walking down to the lake and just medicating myself from the insanity of the experience of family. I can see it in my mind's eye.. and I don't even know if that market is still there.

So I sat with that image for awhile and a few things struck me as interesting. As I visualize myself going to the store, sitting at the lake... I see a teenager. That's the last time the family was all together.. when I was a teenager. Things have changed. Yes.. that's EXACTLY what Zuzu the teenage girl would have done... it doesn't have to be what Zuzu the nearly forty-year-old woman needs to do.

I also notice that as I ponder the situation and all the ways I've anticipated I'd like to escape it it makes me want to medicate myself with nicotine NOW.. just in anticipation. It recalls to me the stuff Greatly and Mrs. Greatly have been writing about. It reminds me to stay in the now.. because right now there's nothing I want to escape... heh.. remember the little masseuse boy tell me my qi is flowing fabulously... who needs to escape that?? heh.

I very much don't like the notion that in order to celebrate grandma's birthday I must endure the whole family thing. I can take it in little bits sans the evil sister... but the whole thing is all a bit much.

So.. the big question... will Zuzu endure the upcoming celebration and remain smoke free? Will she toss away nearly six months of stopping smoking on the easy excuse of the insanity of family? Will she rationalize it all away or will she recognize and embrace the opportunity to stay present, without drugs, for a mere four days and experience the potential to grow emotionally and maybe spiritually? What's it going to be? Will she arrive back home on Sunday evening saying that it really wasn't as difficult as she imagined and it was quite a breeze.. or will she be sheepishly lamenting her inability to cope without drugs? ((Because stress is always made eaiser by frosting it with personal failure, right?))

I feel like I'm reading a pulp fiction novel and wondering how this scene is going to play itself out. Really... however my destiny dictates.. that's how it's going to play itself out. I just got to stay right here, not get too far ahead of myself, and let fate play its hand and know I'm exactly where I need to be. AND remember... that right here, right now.. it's actually a really great day.. it's beautiful and there's no reason to fret over the future because frankly I don't have enough information to be pessimistic....

-Zuzu
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
alison



Quit Date:
June 3, 2003

Posts: 751
Location: Next Stop, Michigan

PostPosted: June 8, 2004 4:44 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Humans aren't really as scary as we make them. In reality they are mostly just fearful, protecting themselves from pain and in doing so they often inflict it. Of course a wise woman once pointed out to me that we are often the instuments of out own misery. We needn't be the child in our parents house nor the anger filled adult with remembered hurts. Everybody remembers the past differently and you never know how the world will turn those you think you know so well.

Have a grand adventure Zuzu and stand back and try and see things without the past clouding the issue. If you can appreciate the strange world your Grandmother now dwells in perhaps you can extend that grace to the rest of the family. They are no more the creatures you once knew than you are that Zuzu of old.

At worst remember that like everything else it is temporary. I can't wait to hear of your triumphant return.

No smoking, Hokey Pokey instead.
_________________

I wish you peace.

alison
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
-

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: June 8, 2004 7:47 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

true that, alison!

yes. hokey pokey.

with your grandmother..

and, just for fun, always refer to yourself in the third person (for even more fun, third person plural; "we are not amused...")...

and....
_________________

keep choosing life!

kevin

the zen of the quit
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Zuzu



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 962
Location: Marin

PostPosted: June 8, 2004 9:12 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, she is amused, but I'm not.... so we are generally contrary...

am not... are too... am not... are too....

(We bought a lovely beaded dress with petticoats for grandma's birthday!)

-Zuzu and Me.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Tammy



Quit Date:
February 16, 2004

Posts: 2565
Location: Florida

PostPosted: June 8, 2004 9:17 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Zuzu, I thought that was beautiful what you had to say about your grandma. You are going to honor her. Grandma's are the best! Some of what you wrote about her brought a tear to my eye. I miss mine so much. I have a quilt that was one of the last that she put together it is a wind mill pattern and she put one of the wind mills in all wrong, so here is this beautiful quilt with one square goofed up. That quilt is one of my most prized posessions. Very Happy

As for the rest of the family the ones who give you anguish........ you guessed it, I say feed em to my shark.


_________________

Tammy
Free and loving it!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Zuzu



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 962
Location: Marin

PostPosted: June 8, 2004 10:49 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tammy-

I have one of my grandmother's last Afgans... she no longer knits. About one quarter of the strips are sewn on backwards. It's priceless! It's the best BECAUSE of it's flaws, you know? And I bet the windmill that's all akimbo is your favorite one!

I don't see her often.. but/and she's the bomb.. my only living grandparent. Her husband died over twenty years ago.. he rocked.. a Pentecostal Preacher filled with the theatrical passion of the evangelicals (and he'd wear big silver belt buckles, huge torqoise rings set in silver, and those ties.. I think they're called bolos(????) with scorpions set in clear plastic or some such thing.. loud hawaiian shirts - big colors... he drove a purple cadillac....)

It's all very "Big Fish" but it's really hard to tell which is the most heroic or mythical character!

-Zuzu
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
bjj



Quit Date:
April 7, 2004

Posts: 1056
Location: Ohio

PostPosted: June 9, 2004 5:08 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Zuzu,
I would indeed agree that your writer's block has been overcome and that your qi is flowing very well. Apparently so is your sex appeal! Good for you.
Your grandmother sounds delightful. One of the few benefits I see to getting older, besides the obvious, is the ability to say and do outrageous things and have them excused due to age. I plan to be a very eccentric old lady. I just hope it is by choice! I suppose some would say I am already an old lady. I quess I may be, but not old enough yet to get away with being outrageous.
Family relationships carry so much emotional baggage, you will not need luggage! I think Alison is a very wise woman, with some great insights. No one and no thing has power over us unless we give it to them. We chose how we respond. Do try to treat it as an adventure on which the new Zuzu is embarking. You have a wonderful way of viewing things and of painting a word picture for others to see. I love your writing. Stay true to yourself is a much over used cliche, but I think it is applicable here. Please take care of yourself.
_________________

Bonnie

"Always think of what you have to do as easy and it will become so".
Emile Coue
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Pamela



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3542
Location: Gardiner, NY

PostPosted: June 9, 2004 10:59 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Zuzu, if it was valid to use the excuse of family insanity to smoke, we'd all be puffing up a storm. I too have the "estranged" brother that i never see, but have to deal with if there a death in the family or something. Then, there's Mr. Bill's sister...well we won't go there.

Try this out. Think up a patent phrase...something like "Oh, I see", or "Isn't that strange". For the entire time you are with your family, and every time your sister says something to you, do not allow youself to speak until you've said the patent phrase.

For example, if your evil sister says, "I've always hated you, and do so even more now" then you would look off into the distance and reply..."Oh, I see".

This method will not allow you to say anything put into your head by Laughing Demon. Will they think this is odd? Do you care? Rolling Eyes

And, of course the whole time, you will not smoke. And, until the party, you can use the time to think up the perfect phrase to wow your family!
_________________

FIVE + years of freedom and loving it!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Zuzu



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 962
Location: Marin

PostPosted: June 9, 2004 1:44 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

You are ALL so wonderful - thank you for your wisdoms. As the day draws nearer.. I leave tomorrow... I feel more and more okay about it (though I did wake up this morning thinking about it and drooling at Ed as he walked out the house to smoke.)

The evil sister will be polite... we're all a very polite bunch. Actually, I'm perhaps the least polite among us - least likely to hold my tongue when untoward events unfold. I think it makes 'em all a bit nervous.. heh.

One way or another (and very likely in several ways!) it's going to be a grand adventure. The evil sister has a husband... and three children.. none of whom I've met. Just right there.. that will be an adventure....

-Zuzu
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Pamela



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3542
Location: Gardiner, NY

PostPosted: June 9, 2004 1:46 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Have fun....natch, keep us posted...and no smoking!
_________________

FIVE + years of freedom and loving it!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Snowlover



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 566
Location: Northern California

PostPosted: June 9, 2004 4:01 PM    Post subject: Write Your Own Ending. Reply with quote

You make the end to this story your own. Write it with strength in your resolve and love for yourself.

Enjoy your family.

Have a safe trip.

K
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Paula



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 294
Location: Sacramento, CA

PostPosted: June 9, 2004 8:49 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Big hugs Zuzu...

just wear something with big pockets... we will all pile in and be right there with you...

Most importantly, have fun - life is too short for anything else
(did I say that????)

and remember the hokey pokey, that ought to put them out!!

BE SAFE!!
~Paula
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Zuzu



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 962
Location: Marin

PostPosted: June 14, 2004 1:34 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I survived. The 90th birthday party was brilliant. The evil sister was relatively well-behaved - relatively. The sister who tried to stop smoking around the same time as I relapsed...so that was a little temptation.. but it was okay. (It was AWFUL how people reacted/responded to her relapse.. they just shamed her.. it was terrible.) The thought of the whole thing evoked more tension/stress and desires to medicate than the actual events themselves. It was all fine and there were very very few moments of temptation.

It's not like there are not days and moment when I have cravings of sorts.. desires to want to medicate myself, desires to want to smoke. I have those.. I still think of smoking at least daily.. at least once... but it's so SOOO much better than day one, two, three or four, than week one, than month one or two or three... it really does just keep getting easier and better. It's NOT easy, but it DOES get easier and easier.

So.. I arrive back triumfant! YAY me!

-Zuzu
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
bjj



Quit Date:
April 7, 2004

Posts: 1056
Location: Ohio

PostPosted: June 14, 2004 1:59 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Zuzu,
Welcome back! So glad it went better than anticipated. You not only survived the adventure, but as you said, arrived back triumphant!
Whoopee! Hooray!


_________________

Bonnie

"Always think of what you have to do as easy and it will become so".
Emile Coue
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Tammy



Quit Date:
February 16, 2004

Posts: 2565
Location: Florida

PostPosted: June 14, 2004 9:56 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Zuzu, You done good! Very Happy
_________________

Tammy
Free and loving it!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    quit smoking support @ woofmang.com Forum Index > stories, essays, rambles All times are GMT - 4 Hours
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

quit smoking support
woofmang dot com