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In melt down

 
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marg



Quit Date:
October 10, 2008

Posts: 38
Location: melbourne

PostPosted: November 26, 2008 8:53 AM    Post subject: In melt down Reply with quote

I need to vent. The last 2 weeks have been from hell, i have had the worst sore throat, no voice and it doesnt seem to be getting better. And what do i want to do? smoke I cant even understand it, I have this huge headache from arguing with myself, that if i was smoking i would probably have a chest infection or something, but for some reason the thoughts wont go, Im getting worried as i only have 3 weeks of tablets left, and dont feel very confident at all. To get more is a huge cost as the gov make you pay full price, I feel as if my whole life is coming undone, death of a pet, not talking to hubby (at least 3 weeks now) and its hard as we work together, I want to leave the family business but dont have the confidence to do that, as i need a job of some sort. I know smoking wont change any of these things, but I also know it does calm me for just a few mins at least. It has to get better, I dont understand why its got harder instead of easier
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Seabrez



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 4458
Location: Gulf Coast

PostPosted: November 26, 2008 9:28 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Marg,

I want to share something with you. The ones here that have been quit for many years already know my story of repeated relapse....but I want to share it with you.

I've had times similiar where all hell has broke loose in my life, bring those exact torturing feelings, anxiety, and thoughts you are experiencing right now. An unsettledness that is maddening, and won't leave. And yes, in the past, it had lead me to go back to smoking. I had the same expection, that...no, it won't solve the problems, but I'll feel better just having a cigarette. The thought of just being able to sit and smoke a cigarette I had convinced myself would ease the pain inside, just be a small relief for a moment....just to have a smoke.

As I've said, I did act on those thoughts before...and this is what really happened.

It didn't bring any of those things or relief that I had envisioned it would. On the contrary, it brought condemnation and disappointment for having given in to the moment. It didn't make me feel better. All it did was bring me back to facing the whole addiction again, and having to re-quit once again. As bad as things are right now for you, adding guilt, disappointment, and shame is all that smoking will do. It adds to the mix of all the heartaches.

Marg,...what you are really looking for is an escape from all the pressures and hurts you are facing and dealing with right now. Your body is physically weak from being sick, your emotions are in turmoil...a weaken state also, and the addiction is taking full advantage of all these things to convince you to smoke. The only true way to gain peace right now, is through acceptance. Accept what is happening as just a part of life that needs to be lived through. Once you strip off any grand expections of "I wishes", "if only's", "could of and should of's", etc....and just face each issue as it is....your peace will begin to return. The hard circumstances may take time to actually find a solution, but at least you will be handling them without the anxiety inside that robs the peace.

Once you decide, once and for all, that smoking is "not" the answer to feeling better, and it is not an option during trying times, it will begin to ease. Just keep making the choice, and bringing those thoughts and feeling to the truth, that it really won't make it better. They will eventually leave.....just be patient and wait them out. You're the one in control...not those bullying thoughts and feelings.

Hugs Marg....know it feels like hell right now...just keep standing ground...refuse to surrender...no matter what!!!

{{{{{{Marg}}}}}}
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Living in Freedom
Deb

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 2 Corn 5:17 NASB
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Seabrez



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 4458
Location: Gulf Coast

PostPosted: November 26, 2008 10:49 AM    Post subject: Re: In melt down Reply with quote

marg wrote:
but I also know it does calm me for just a few mins at least. It has to get better, I dont understand why its got harder instead of easier


Marg,

Been thinking about the reasons why I kept going back during times like you are going through. It was because of deep beliefs I held inside my heart. Just like you are right now. You believe that it will bring a calm for at least a few minutes. Our choices flow out of what we hold deep inside as beliefs and convicitions. That's why you are having a struggle with it all and it won't leave. That false belief you are holding on to...is actually keeping the desire to smoke alive within.

I don't know if you read my temptation the other night....but the addiction was attempting to tap into a past false belief I had held when I smoked. That belief was that I was happy when smoking. I equated happiness and smoking together. It took me a couple of hours to finally figure out the reason mine wasn't leaving....but once I did...the smoke/happiness connection, I was able to put that false belief to rest. Cause I do now believe and know smoking does not make me happy. But, the addiction was trying to tap into and bring back this old belief.

So, the root of this....change the perpective of smoking bringing a calm. You have to really believe that it won't bring you calmness. Then the struggle within will subside. Think on this....smoking actually increases the blood pressure, and cause the body to "stress"....these are not calming events...on the contrary..they will increase aggraviation. We will face those times when it comes knocking, but fully believe that the more we dwell on and believe what it's trying to convince us of, it will linger longer. You are saying no to it!! Good, keep doing just that, and add to that...the understanding and knowing that it will not bring a calmness or peace. Wink

Also, the confidence issue on staying quit without the meds....you are going through so much right now, all that together is no doubt playing a number on your self-esteem and confidence. You are quit and will be able to stay that way...even without the meds. You make the choice at any given moment to stay free...and meds are not needed to make this choice. Wink What is needed is just a firm belief that you are and have gave yourself the gift of freedom...and be content that you have. The quit and all these other things of life are separate. The quit is a part of life....just like you can have different and separate issues and events happening at one time.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!.....and YOU ARE DOING IT!!!! Very Happy

Hugs Marg!
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
November 19, 2001

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: November 26, 2008 10:59 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

first of all, smoking does not calm you; it's an illusion that was created by your addiction. when you smoke, it brings your nicotine level up to that required by your addiction, but as soon as you finish the cigarette, your nicotine level begins to drop. as it drops, it creates tension and a feeling of nervousness, which increase until you are compelled to go feed your addiction again. when you smoke the next cigarette, your nicotine level comes back to an acceptable range, and the tension drops. but as soon as you stop smoking, it starts to build again...

so in reality, feeding your addiction doesn't create calm; it only removes the tension that the addiction itself creates when you're not feeding it. (think about it: if cigarettes were really able to magically induce calm, everybody would be smoking them all the time. but they're not, are they? you never hear a non-smoker say, "oh! if only i could have a cigarette to calm me down!" it would never even occur to them.)

secondly, unless you aussies have something down there that i've never heard of, there are no magic pills. realize this: you did not get addicted to nicotine because you didn't have the right pills; you got addicted to nicotine by smoking cigarettes. by the same token, you will not overcome your addiction to nicotine by taking pills; you'll overcome it by not smoking cigarettes. when you stopped smoking cigarettes, you started to weaken the addiction, and the longer you go without smoking, the weaker the addiction will become. (it'll never go away completely, but it will get so weak you're rarely troubled by it.) the pills have absolutely nothing to do with this process; they're merely an expensive distraction.

finally, smoking isn't going to make any of your problems go away, but it's perfectly normal that you're still feeling drawn to it; after all, it's early days yet, and one of the things that most clearly identifies us as addicts is our compulsion to use our drug of choice to erect a smokescreen between us and our lives (especially the nasty bits).

this too shall pass.

hang in there; you're just having a rough moment. better days are just ahead, but you'll never see them if you turn around and go back to feeding your addiction.
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keep choosing life!

kevin

the quit guru
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Kissimee



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 772
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: November 26, 2008 11:03 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Marg...Ah huney...I wish I could make it better!

Quote:
I know smoking wont change any of these things, but I also know it does calm me for just a few mins at least.


I started reading this every morning when I decided to quit. I realized I could NOT believe in cigarettes anymore...I had to believe in me.

Here is a snippet of the rambling...

I used to believe that quitting smoking was the hardest thing that I have ever tried to do. I used to believe that I was a hopeless addict that would die a smoker.

I have tried to quit smoking so many times that I have lost count and every single failed attempt only added validity to what I already knew.... that quitting smoking was impossible. It wasn't until I learned about nicotine addiction, that I realized something. It wasn't necessarily quitting smoking that was so hard to do. It was quitting believing in cigarettes that was hard to do.

See, I used to believe in the cigarette.

I used to believe that cigarettes kept me calm. The truth though, is that nicotine is a stimulant. Every time I smoked a cigarette, it raised my heartbeat by about 20 beats more a minute. Smoking constricted my arteries and not only that, but the carbon monoxide from the cigarette was basically poisoning my blood's ability to carry oxygen. Creating a greater strain on my heart, how could I be calm? When I was putting this kind of strain on my body over 40 times a day, every day?

I used to believe that cigarettes relieved my stress. Little did I know that smoking created a lot of stress? The whole business of smoking is relieving an anxiety that the previous cigarette created.

After each cigarette that I smoked and the nicotine metabolized, nicotine being able to fit my adrenaline locks, pumped adrenaline though my bloodstream leaving me with a slight high or flighty feeling. I was left with a heightened anxiety, an antsy feeling that I didn't like. My mind and body were being fooled into thinking that something was wrong, like I was in danger when in reality there was nothing wrong. My subconscious figured something out though. Smoking a cigarette would relieve that anxiety. Not knowing that it was being tricked and also looking out for my best interest. It would say ôSmoke a cigarette and you'll feel better." So I would smoke a cigarette, relieve that anxiety and start the whole vicious cycle over again. The only stress I was relieving, was the stress that the previous cigarette created.

Not only that, but whenever I was under stress. It caused a physiological reaction that caused nicotine to get pulled from my bloodstream. So now was I not only under stress, I had a compounded problem of being in drug withdrawal. So I would smoke a cigarette, "feel better" and think "Oh, smoking helped me relieve some of my stress." The reality is though, it did nothing but relieve drug withdrawal, a compounded anxiety, which should have never been there in the first place. Nothing changed after smoking that cigarette. Whatever caused my initial stress was still there. The only difference was that I had temporarily pacified the monkey on my back.

I used to believe that smoking made me happy. Sadly, smoking causes a form of depression. Sure, I can say that smoking releases dopamine, BUT that is only part of the story. Being the amazing machine that it is, my brain needed to regulate how much dopamine was being released. It couldn't regulate nicotine as it was a foreign substance (poison). So it had no other choice, but to turn down its own sensitivity to releasing dopamine. My own natural neurotransmitters were being hijacked, forcing me to rely a lot more on the cigarette just to "feel good" or more accurately, feel nicotine normal. The truth was I was happy DESPITE SMOKING and not because of it.

I no longer believe in the cigarette. I used to. I used to believe that cigarettes did something for me. I know better now. They only DO TO ME.

sorry for the length but I wanted to post it all...You see, you can't believe in the cigarette...it won't help you and it won't calm you...it's only going to put you through more pain, anguish, and physical restraints later.

I believe in your strength, Marg....you need to too!

(((HUGS to you)))

Edit...these are no my words, I found this statement somewhere and held on to it.
_________________

I can NOT control the addiction because if I could, it would NOT be an addiction...BUT I can control ME, the addict.
~Tracy

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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
November 19, 2001

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: November 26, 2008 7:57 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

i thought that sounded like eric (ucanquit), so i did a quick search, and found the original post:

http://quit-smoking-support.woofmang.com/viewtopic.php?p=93715&highlight=#93715
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kevin

the quit guru
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Mary Dude



Quit Date:
June 15, 2004

Posts: 4803
Location: Pittsburgh, PA

PostPosted: November 26, 2008 9:16 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Marg - don't give up...keep it going!! Smoking really doesn't do anything for you - except make you crave another one....and another one and another one.....
_________________

Mary D.
Smoke-free one day at a time!
Worry doesn't help tomorrow's troubles, but it does ruin today's happiness!
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marg



Quit Date:
October 10, 2008

Posts: 38
Location: melbourne

PostPosted: November 26, 2008 11:22 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thankyou all for your support, I now know that we all seem to go through these hard times, after i posted last night I went back and started reading Kevins tales, I have to keep reading as it does help so much, I had thought i had got past the hard times, but now realise im far from them. I know the tablets arent a magic pill, but a crutch Im using, which i just got again as the dr could see i was at a very vunerable time, now i feel guilty as it cost me so much but am trying again with the positive thoughts, that at least it was money spent on my health, and what is more important than that.
I know i have a long way to go, but with positive thoughts i know i will get there
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
November 19, 2001

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: November 27, 2008 12:32 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

glad to hear things are looking up, marg - keep up the good work! Smile
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kevin

the quit guru
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Kissimee



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 772
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: November 27, 2008 3:49 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's so good to hear from you and to know you are continuing your freedom!

Yes, that's it, Kevin....I thought I found it on whyquit.com but maybe not...I just love the words and they really spoke to my heart...finally making sense.
_________________

I can NOT control the addiction because if I could, it would NOT be an addiction...BUT I can control ME, the addict.
~Tracy

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