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My Husbands's Smoking Got to Me!

 
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Snowlover



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 566
Location: Northern California

PostPosted: June 13, 2004 8:18 PM    Post subject: My Husbands's Smoking Got to Me! Reply with quote

I blew it. I just flushed a pack down the toilet.I ruined my 40 day quit.
I just couldn't stand it that he could smoke and I could not. I reread Nicodemon's Lies and everything else I could find. I know that I have to just let him smoke. I broke down and cried Friday and begged him not to wait until he was sick to stop. He doesn't like to read and doesn't do the computer so FFSOnline is out as well as the message boards. He says he'll do it and when he's ready. I just wanted us to do it together.
Honestly, I know this isn't even about smoking. I threw them away and I'll do my 72 hours over again. It's about change. I want to be the victim. I want to feel sorry for myself. It's easier.
But, I will choose not to smoke. I will go on. I will just keep going on. The pressure just built until it was intolerable. And, like everyone has said, the problem is still here. I'm still changing. It's just so lonely. I wanted to be changing with the one person I love more than anything, my husband.
Fear is involved, as well. Afraid of change and the unknown. I know the change will be a good thing. Just wish I knew the future.
Sure do need some help from all of you - My angels.
Kaye
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kannprint



Quit Date:
April 10, 2004

Posts: 4988
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: June 13, 2004 8:46 PM    Post subject: You're strong Reply with quote

Dear Kaye,

It's your old friend, Jo here. So you slipped. Embarassed Thank God you wrote it all down. That's one way to really force yourself to think through the why's of your actions. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to quit smoking when the person you love, and live with, is still doing it. If memory serves me correctly, you're 43 days quit. You're doing so well please don't let one bump in the road discourage you.

Please do not look upon this as a failure. You relapsed but can re-start and go on from here. I don't want to sound selfish but you must quit worrying about your husband's health right now and concentrate on yours. Once your quit is strongly cemented in place you'll have the time and strength to help the one you love.

Just know we're all here to help each other and if there's anything at all I can do to make this any easier for you, please let me know.

Living free for 2M, 2D, 23H, 15M & loving it. Embarassed
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LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH.
Jo
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bjj



Quit Date:
April 7, 2004

Posts: 1056
Location: Ohio

PostPosted: June 13, 2004 10:17 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Jo, you slipped. Now you have to get back on track. You know the saying, "When at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. It has to be rough to have 40 plus days and slip, but I know people who have had 1yr, 5yrs, and one had 12yrs and relapsed. Two of them are quit again. I know this has to be very difficult, but you can do it. Do not let it be an excuse to stop trying. The only way you can fail is to quit quitting! We are here, post,post,post.
_________________

Bonnie

"Always think of what you have to do as easy and it will become so".
Emile Coue
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Snowlover



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 566
Location: Northern California

PostPosted: June 13, 2004 10:52 PM    Post subject: Thank Jo & Bonnie Reply with quote

Hubby and I had a good talk. He understands where I am. And, I told him (like Jo said) I will just worry about myself and my health. I can't be concerned with what he is or is not doing.

He worries about me so much because of my health. He was pretty mad at me.

So tomorrow I will choose not to smoke. I'm already suffering from what I did to myself today. I have too many things I want to do to ruin my health.

K
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jlf/Jeri



Quit Date:
November 12, 2003

Posts: 322
Location: Sacramento, CA

PostPosted: June 13, 2004 10:56 PM    Post subject: I'm glad you are back! Reply with quote

Kaye,

I read your post and boy, could I ever relate to what you wrote! You sounded so much like me, months and months ago and I just had to respond. I'd like you to know, it is possible to quit smoking while living with a smoking spouse and you CAN do this!

I allowed my still smoking, COPD ridden husband to become my backdoor many times in the past. It was easier to say I couldn't quit smoking while he still smoked and yes, like you, I envied him for being able to smoke while I was deprived of the pleasure! BS! I needed to radically change my thinking and I needed to understand that smoking is an addiction and it is not pleasurable to kill yourself slowly and to steal oxygen from your blood! All I was doing was feeding MY addiction. Once I read about and really understood smoking and addiction, I had made up my mind that I WANTED to quit. I didn't want to kill myself slowly and I wanted to be FREE and while, no, quitting was not easy, the knowledge made it easier for me to steel my resolve when it came to cheating or to taking a cigarette from my husbands pack. I finally realized and ACCEPTED that this was something we could not share at this time and that I would need to start this journey on my own. I got so much help and support from the wonderful souls on this message board and the one at FFS that it helped me to stay strong and it gave me support when I couldn't find it at home.

While I still hope and pray that my husband will quit smoking, I now realize that I cannot will him to quit nor can I force him to quit. He must choose this for himslef. While I will become his biggest supporter should he decide to do this, I cannot put my life or my health on hold waiting for him. That day may never come. And yes, it is a lonely journey, but you can come here and post and you'll be amazed at the support and friendship that can help you make it through some really bad days. But first, you must want this for you.

You've made a wonderful decision by coming back and posting and I know that took a lot of courage as I'd relapsed several times in the past too. But the very best thing you can do is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. Identify that backdoor and nail it shut! Learn from this mistake and then put the past behind you, start over again, fresh and clean! This is a new quit, one that you are better prepared for and this quit can have a different outcome, you can do this!

I guess I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, it is possible to quit smoking while your spouse still smokes, you can feel lonely, but you can find your way back towards closeness with your husband and all of these things are possible, not just for me or for someone else, they are possible for YOU TOO! Believe in yourself, forgive yourself and then move forward, find that Freedom that has eluded you. It is so worth the effort and your life and your health are worth it! Just so you know, I smoked a pack a day for over 30 years and I hadn't been smoke free in my entire adult life until this quit. I quit, cold turkey, for the last time on Nov. 12, 2003. And yes, even though my husband has not joined me on this journey, it's still the best thing I've ever done for me! And, no, I still haven't completely given up on my husband yet. I pray that someday he will find his way as well.

I'm glad you flushed that pack and I'm so glad you posted! Stay strong and please believe me, you CAN do this!

Very Happy Jeri
Seven months, 21 hours, 50 minutes and 39 seconds. 6417 cigarettes not smoked, saving $1,344.16. Life saved: 3 weeks, 1 day, 6 hours, 45 minutes.
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Snowlover



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 566
Location: Northern California

PostPosted: June 13, 2004 11:19 PM    Post subject: Thank you Jeri Reply with quote

That helps a lot. I'll pray for both our men now.
I know I will do this, I'm committed for me.
Can you believe you would have smoked over 6,000 cigs if you hadn't stopped when you did. That's really an accomplishment for you.

I will find a way to let this thing with my husband go. Guess I just need to cry some for him.

K
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Pamela



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3542
Location: Gardiner, NY

PostPosted: June 14, 2004 7:49 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kaye, never quit quitting. Everyone else has give you some great advice. Just know that you can do this, you can be in control, and you'll be very glad that you did it!
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FIVE + years of freedom and loving it!
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Snowlover



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 566
Location: Northern California

PostPosted: June 14, 2004 8:30 AM    Post subject: GOod Monday Reply with quote

I had tried to post all weekend. Tried to get my mind around all of it. Just didn't know what to say. Just really had a melt down.

Thanks all of you. I've been reading all the posts and have benefitted. Guess I'm just like an immature kid sometimes - can't just do what I'm told, have to try it myself and figure it out the hard way.

This morning I'm feeling strong, calm and ready to face the day.

K

I'm resetting my quit meter.
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Pamela



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3542
Location: Gardiner, NY

PostPosted: June 14, 2004 9:44 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

K - today seems like a great day to quit smoking, and I know that you are strong because you got right back to it. I know that you can do this! If you have time, go to whyquit.com, and read Nicodemon's Lies. It talks about the lies we tell ourselves to justify feeding the addiction, including waiting for a spouse to quit with you....and each of you justifying the other's smoking.

and remember, this is your quit, and you can do it.
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FIVE + years of freedom and loving it!
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
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Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: June 14, 2004 10:05 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kaye, your signature says it all: one is too many and a million's not enough. we're addicts. and addiction is incurable; once an addict, always an addict. but we don't have to feed our addictions; we can always choose not to.

and the only person you can make that choice for is yourself; your husband will quit if and when he's ready, and not before. there are lots of people (like Jeri and Sandy and others) who've quit in spite of a smoking spouse; in some cases, the spouse followed suit, in others, they didn't.

if you base your choice whether or not to keep your quit on what someone - or something - outside yourself does or doesn't do, you're asking for trouble. but you already know this.

please don't waste time beating yourself up over this; that's also part of the victim game. just choose not to smoke today, and tomorrow will take care of itself.
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keep choosing life!

kevin

the zen of the quit
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Snowlover



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 566
Location: Northern California

PostPosted: June 14, 2004 2:37 PM    Post subject: Thanks, Kevin Reply with quote

I KNOW YOU KNOW I KNOW.

I'm back on track now.

Thanks for the added info. Welcome and helpful as always. I really appreciate your taking the time with me.

K
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bwick18



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 580
Location: Florida

PostPosted: June 14, 2004 5:16 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kaye,
I am so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. You are such a strong person and I know you can jump back on the wagon. You can do it.
Barbara
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Barb
After the rain comes the rainbow- I will get my rainbow back
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