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Snowlover
Quit Date: -
Posts: 566 Location: Northern California
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Posted: August 7, 2004 11:04 PM Post subject: Feeling Hopeless |
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I am starting over again tomorrow. I've reset the day several times in the past week but have messed myself up so completely this time that I can't get back in the groove.
I was coasting along so well and not having any bad urges - only slight little hints which were easy to ignore. I was breathing well at the gym and at Rehab. My blood pressure had dropped and I was building up strength on the equipment.
I was enjoying my friends and family like never before - 'cause there was no worry about sneaking off for a few puffs.
I had taken on an office with the hospital auxiliary and was enjoying it.
I had been taking my dog to the river to swim and having fun with her and had been swimming in the pool at home.
My hair still smelled good at night even through it hadn't been washed all day. I didn't worry about my clothes, car or breath smelling.
My house was staying so clean because I had so much energy that I was keeping it up well. Never worried about anyone dropping by.
I was relaxed and calm and able to enjoy any project that came along.
Then one day, I decided that I could just enjoy one . That was OK, didn't choke me or knock me out - it was kind of nice. Then the second one turned into the third and fourth etc. I started sneaking them from my husband and finally had to buy my own.
Now, excuse my French, I'm screwed.
I feel yucky, tired, guilty and stupid.Everything I come in contact with seems to bring my thoughts back to how worthless I am. I'm depressed and disgusted.
I keep thinking about the "forever" thing and it scares me all over again. I know not to do that but I am. I know that if I just follow the program I can do this. But I cheat and lie to myself and it has turned around to bite me.
I am so busy this week I can't just "check out" like I did in my original quit. And, am flying to Seattle on Friday the 13th. I'm stressed about that whole weekend trip.
I'm very worried and confused also about my relationship with my husband. We get along fine and I love him but he still smokes and it still gets to me. I'm not strong enough to ignore it. I hate going off alone and doing the things I like to do without him but he has his own interests. I just feel like, what's the point? He watches Speedvision and I come here to post. He golfs and I do my own things. We don't do anything much together except spending time with the kids. It didn't bother me much before I quit smoking. Now it really does.
Well, this is the Mother of all rants and I'm the Relapse Queen.
Like I said, tomorrow I will start over and hope the 72 hours goes fast. I can't smoke one or even one puff. I have to ignore what my husband does and I have to come here a lot.
Hope you can put up with me another time around. I wouldn't even be trying if it weren't for all of you.
Kaye
And, darn it I tried about 6 times to get my Avatar back and it won't stick. |
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Kerry
Quit Date: May 4, 2004
Posts: 862 Location: Illinois
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Posted: August 7, 2004 11:37 PM Post subject: |
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Kaye please don't feel bad, you can do this. It is just a very hard thing. Believe me I have quit many times. Do what you need to do to get thru the next 72 and don't worry about anything else. The forever thing used to bother me to so I stopped saying that. I keep telling myself that I'm just quitting until I'm 80 (I'm 42) and on my 80th birthday I'm going back. If I'm fortunate enough to live that long I know that I won't go back but it makes quitting right now just a little bit easier. Maybe you can talk to hubby and let him know how hard it is for you. Just hang in there. Kerry |
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kevin Site Admin
Quit Date: -
Posts: 9538 Location: cincinnati, oh
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Posted: August 7, 2004 11:56 PM Post subject: |
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i fixed your avatar for you, Kaye, but i an't guarantee that it'll stay fixed. now click this link - i think it may help. _________________
keep choosing life!
kevin
the zen of the quit |
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Mar
Quit Date: -
Posts: 99 Location: B.C., Canada
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Posted: August 8, 2004 12:20 AM Post subject: |
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Kaye, I hate to hear you so down on yourself. You are not disgusting and worthless. You are trying to gain control over a terrible addiction and live with a smoker at the same time. Maybe part of the problem is that you smoked together as one of the few things you did as a couple and now you don't even have that in common.
Relationship issues cause a lot of stress and may have been a factor regarding your relapse. Smoking provided you with a familiar comfort, for awhile, before sucking you back into its grip. Your relationship with your husband still needs to addressed and you now have to deal with the addiction again.
We can't fix your marital problems, but we can help you get back on track with quitting smoking. Let the people on these boards help you, once again, become smoke-free.
Remember, you are a worthwhile person who deserves to be happy. I wish you success in your endeavors to quit smoking.
Marlene |
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bjj
Quit Date: April 7, 2004
Posts: 1056 Location: Ohio
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Posted: August 8, 2004 12:37 AM Post subject: |
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I'm sorry but I don't think you can claim the crown as Relapse Queen. Too many of us have tried and failed too often before our quits stuck to allow you to take the crown without challenge!
How about focusing on how great you are for setting a date to quit again. It takes determination to start a quit again. I would suggest rereading some of the modules at ffs, Kevin's Tales, and some of the info at whyquit.com. Reread and/or rework your list of reasons to quit and things to do before smoking, and most of all, take it one day at a time! Your cheering section is here for you.
_________________
Bonnie
"Always think of what you have to do as easy and it will become so".
Emile Coue |
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Ben's Mom
Quit Date: July 6, 2004
Posts: 322 Location: Paradise, California
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Posted: August 8, 2004 3:35 AM Post subject: |
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Oh my friend....this is what it means to be human and yes, dear lady you are human just like the rest of us. You make mistakes and so do we. I feel pretty confident speaking for all of us here on this subject because(call it divine intervention if you will) there are no perfect humans on this earth. I'm not, you're not and noone reading this is. Forgive yourself Kaye. It is the only way for you to move forward.
How can we help you get back on track with your quit? What was the trigger? Can you avoid it next time? If you could do it all over what would you do differently? _________________
I hope your dreams take you... to the corners of your smiles, to the highest of your hopes, to the windows of your opportunities, and to the most special places your heart has ever known.
unknown author |
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ms_tapestry
Quit Date: October 21, 2009
Posts: 2574 Location: Seminole, TX
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Posted: August 8, 2004 5:46 AM Post subject: |
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Kaye, I am so sorry you are feeling down on yourself right now. The evil one is sitting on your shoulder yacking in your ear, making you feel ill physically and emotionally. You already know smoking is not the answer. So first off, welcome to your Quit day. You know the drill, drink lots of fluids, try to keep occupied and post as often as you need. We are here for you.
Regarding hubby. I honestly don't know what to tell you about the smoking because mine never smoked. But it sounds like the issue is more about spending time together. If that is the case then find a sitter and ask him out on a date. Marriage, like anything else moves in cycles. At the beginning you spend all of your time together, then the children come and out of necessity you don't spend as much time together, then the children leave home and the time comes to reconnect and spend all your time together again. What is difficult is relaxing enough to enjoy each stage while you are living it. My hubby and I don't always share the same interests, but even after 25 years we do like being together.
Don't let talk you out of this Quit. You have identified some back doors in this post. To make this Quit successful you need to work on closing them!
You CAN do this! _________________
Tonya
You must do the very thing you think you cannot do.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt |
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londa
Quit Date: July 28, 2004
Posts: 2469 Location: new york, USA
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Posted: August 8, 2004 7:37 AM Post subject: |
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Kaye, WE LOVE YOU! And we have all been there done that! I am proud of the fact that you jumped right back on the wagon again! Set a new quit day. You see, you are serious about this. Just take one day at a time. Remember how calm and relaxed you felt when you did not smoke. They are good feelings.
I am treating my quit as an alcoholic. I can't have just one.
Does your husband resent the fact that you can quit? Your doing something that he is not able to choose to do right now? As like alcoholics, they want drinking partners. They don't like it when a pal of theirs can kick the habit.
Smokers are like that too. Haven't you felt a little resentful when a friend of your quit and you couldn't yet? I sure have. But I have learned alot more and don't feel that way anymore.
Kaye you can do this. You really have it in your heart. Think good thoughts. Tell to go fly a kite. You don't need him. He isn't your friend.
Keep posted. We need you.
Love, Londa _________________
My name is Londa. I am 57 and I act like I'm 20. I love to laugh and smile. The more the better. Being kind to someone is the best thing you can do. |
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UB
Quit Date: -
Posts: 93 Location: Maryland
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Posted: August 8, 2004 7:51 AM Post subject: |
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Kaye, You are a beautiful person and my prayers are with you. You can do this and we are all here for you. Every one of us can relate to your relapse--been there, done that, don't want the t-shirt. Don't beat yourself up-just keep going.
Have a good day. _________________
Alice |
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Snowlover
Quit Date: -
Posts: 566 Location: Northern California
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Posted: August 8, 2004 3:51 PM Post subject: Thanks |
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Thanks all of you for the advice. You guys are super.
I'm not smoking today and already feeling much better.
This morning my husband asked me to go to the Art Show. I could swear he read my post to you last night, but impossible - he's pretty computer illerate. He's also much more likely to show his love and affection for me when I'm not smoking. He was disappointed in me too.
Thank you Kevin for my Avatar.
I think I've gotten all the nastiness out now and am ready to get the positive Chi flowing again. I know I'm gong to be fine - as has been said before, quitting smoking will not kill a person.
Kaye |
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kannprint
Quit Date: April 10, 2004
Posts: 4988 Location: St. Louis, MO
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Posted: August 8, 2004 4:04 PM Post subject: |
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Dear Kaye,
I had no idea you were feeling so down on yourself. That isn't fair to you; such a wonderful, caring person. Let's pick you up and start over again. You also wrote that you feel "worthless." Nothing could be further from the truth. You are a very worthwhile person who has made the same mistake that we've all made at one time or another -- maybe more than one time.
As to being the Relapse Queen, I believe you've got lots of competition for that dubious title. There are many of us on this site who also qualify and I'm one of them.
Kaye, if you can, print out the post you wrote and display it in a conspicuous place of your home like the fridge, a mirror, a door -- somewhere. Read it often. It says so much about how you're feeling about smoking and yourself. Use it as a reminder if and when pokes his ugle head into your life.
Glad you and your hubby are going to visit an art show together. That sounds great.
Take care of yourself and post often. _________________
LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH.
Jo |
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Calliemae
Quit Date: May 3, 2004
Posts: 151 Location: Wisconsin
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Posted: August 8, 2004 4:21 PM Post subject: You can do this |
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Kaye,
Thank you for your post. I was doing a little house work which I haven't done for a month and all of a sudden I had the strongest urge for a smoke. Been having some but none like I just had, so I thought I would check my e-mail. Well, I had a private message from someone here so came to read it. Then I just started surfing the site. I read your post and my urge has gone away. Please know that we are all with you on your quit. I know I couldn't even begin to tell you how many times I tried to quit before it happened. Have you been going to FFS and reworking the modules? You need to contine working and educating yourself. Have you made the promise to come and post before having the first cig? Just a few thoughts for you. My thoughts are with you. You can do this _________________
Lisa |
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Mindy
Quit Date: -
Posts: 1074
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Posted: August 8, 2004 4:54 PM Post subject: |
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The illusion that first cigarette gave you 'it was nice'. It was an illusion...your mind playing tricks on you. That one cigarette caused a relapse....one is never enough. You know that now....Move on and remember what happened. We all learn from mistakes.
You are NOT worthless. Becoming a non-smoker is a forever thing. But you can do it. We're all here for you and many of us have been right where you are. Please post here as often as you need to. Even maybe going back to FFS and re-reading some of the modules may help you. And read all of Kevin's tales.
Please believe in yourself! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I sure hope your husband follows in your footsteps and quits smoking very soon.
Take care, |
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Ben's Mom
Quit Date: July 6, 2004
Posts: 322 Location: Paradise, California
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Posted: August 8, 2004 5:08 PM Post subject: |
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Kaye...You sound much better today! Your avatar is beautiful too!
Have a great smokefree day and enjoy the time with the hubby...you deserve it! _________________
I hope your dreams take you... to the corners of your smiles, to the highest of your hopes, to the windows of your opportunities, and to the most special places your heart has ever known.
unknown author |
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Hope
Quit Date: -
Posts: 346
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Posted: August 10, 2004 8:04 AM Post subject: |
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Hi, well good luck!
I don't know about you, but each time I try to give up it gets a little bit easier - like you know what to expect, and you're so annoyed at yourself for starting again you're that little bit more determined.
This is THE time for us both (my 4th attempt!)
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