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freedom is the journey

 
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kevin
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Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: April 18, 2004 11:00 AM    Post subject: freedom is the journey Reply with quote

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
- Lao-tzu

----

when i was getting ready for my quit date, i figured that what it boiled down to was simply choosing not to smoke today, whenever it became today again for me. and i said to myself, "hey, i can do anything for a day".

but then a little voice said, "what if it's too hard? you've been smoking a long time; what if you can't hold out for a whole day? what then?", and i realized i needed a plan "b". so i said to myself, "in that case, i'll choose not to smoke before noon-time. then, when it's noon, i'll choose not to smoke before six. then, when it's six, i'll choose not to smoke before midnight. then i'll go to bed before midnight."

and the little voice said, "yeah, but what if you can't hold out for six hours? you're used to smoking at least once every hour; what if six hours is too long?", so i devised plan "c". i said, "in that case, when i wake up, i'll choose not to smoke for an hour. at the end of that hour, i'll choose not to smoke for another hour, and i'll just keep making that choice, every hour, on the hour, for the rest of the day if i have to".

i won't tell you about plans "d", "e" and "f". suffice it to say that the little voice kept questioning my ability to hold out for shorter and shorter periods of time, and i kept coming up with yet more alternative plans that were based on the idea that i'd choose not to smoke for a certain period of time, and when that period of time expired, i'd renew my commitment not to smoke for another similar period.

i told myself then (and have told many other people since then) that the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step, and it doesn't really matter what size step you take, whether it's a day-long step, an hour-long step or a moment-long step, as long as you keep moving in the direction that you want to go; towards freedom.

and that's true, as far as it goes, but there's more to it than that...

because when you look at the famous quote that started this post, you see that there's a thousand-mile journey involved here, and if you can measure something like that, it implies that there's both a starting and an ending point. and we all know where the starting point is: we're all there, or were, not so long ago; i am a smoker. i am a slave to my addiction. and we all know where the ending is, too; freedom from smoking. freedom from slavery to our addiction.

but is it? is freedom really the ending point?

if it is, when do we reach it? how do we know we've "arrived"? what are the signs?

perhaps the best way to identify the signs of freedom would be to identify the signs of slavery, and then look for the opposite conditions. ok, what are the signs of our slavery? they are many, and they identify us unmistakably to even the most casual observer:

there's the smell of stale smoke and nicotine that permeates our hair, our breath, our clothes, our furniture, our home and everything else we own and announces our presence before we've even arrived.

there are the tell-tale yellow stains on our teeth and the fingers we habitually hold our cigarettes with.

there's that phlegmy smoker's cough.

there are those burn-holes in our clothes, our cars, our furniture and our carpeting.

there are our regular hourly (or more frequent) disappearances from non-smoking environments (like our workplaces, movie theaters, hospitals, shopping malls, etc.) to go someplace where we can feed our addiction...

wait a minute! hold it right there. freeze frame. this is it; THE sign. everything else is just an effect of this one, and it's the only one smokers (and other addicts) really need be concerned with: that we are compelled to feed our addiction at regular intervals. no matter the cost or inconvenience or social or health consequences; our addiction says it's time for a fix, and we obey. we have no choice. we are in its control. we are its slave.

alright. if we can agree that all the other signs are merely effects of this cause, that we obey the compulsion to feed our addiction, then that makes it very easy to identify the opposite condition: when we no longer obey the compulsion. and when does that happen? at the end of some hypothetical thousand-mile journey? i don't think so.

how do we know we're taking one of those steps i was talking about before when i said it doesn't matter whether the steps we're taking are a day long, an hour long, or a moment long? we know we're taking one of those steps whenever we choose NOT to smoke. whenever we choose NOT to obey the compulsion to feed our addiction.

in the moment of making that choice, we are free.

freedom then, is not the destination.

it's the journey itself.
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kevin

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lbuz



Quit Date:
May 29, 2007

Posts: 254
Location: New York

PostPosted: April 18, 2004 11:23 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you Kevin, I'm so glad we've found you, your a wonderful person to take this journey with.

[/i]
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Tammy



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PostPosted: April 18, 2004 2:47 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you Kevin. That was a very nice post. I liked it alot. I for one am thrilled that I am fianally on this journey. I am loving every moment freedom. Very Happy
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Zuzu



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PostPosted: April 18, 2004 2:53 PM    Post subject: Freedom Reply with quote

Awesome post, Kevin! Beginning my Sunday morning thinking about the nature of freedom is brilliant.

"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing happened." - George Carlin

I guess it's another way of saying it all comes down to us. It's the effort we put into it. It's the details of moving from one day to the next - the journey.

In the early 90's I was arrested with several hundred other people in an unlawful use and abuse of police power. I was on my way to dinner one evening, with two friends, and there was a "police sweep" of the street I was walking down to get to dinner. Police in full riot gear marched from both directions, beating people mercilessly, made us kneel on the street for a few hours, put us in handcuff, loaded us into crowded vans, held us on peers, then bussed us to Santa Rita County jail. The entire ordeal lasted three days.

Yes, this happened in America. There was no method to this madness. I along with men and women on their way home from work, lovers on their way to dinner, people with grocery bags... If you ever wonder just how close we are to living in a police state...

Three days between the time I was arrested until I was released. They don't let people smoke in jail. For three days... all I wanted was a cigarette, all I thought about was a cigarette. I tried to sleep as much as possible. I was so uncomfortable going through nicotine withdrawal.

The women who were arrested in this police action filled more than two entire wings of the jail. In the wing I was put in we were kept on 24 hour lock down.. which meant every hour a buzzer would ring, half the women would go back into their cells, the other women could come out of their cells and then all the cells would lock for another hour. Every hour this would happen.

When I was finally able to use a telephone I called a friend and said, "be waiting for me with a carton of cigarettes, send in the helicopters, you gotta get me outta here."

The REASON I needed to get out of jail was so that I could smoke. My civil rights had been trampled, I'd been treated like shit, unlawfully detained and incarcerated and all I could think about was wanting a cigarette. The first thing on my mind.

I've thought about that from time to time. What exactly is freedom? There I was in jail and all I could think about was a cigarette. What exactly is freedom?

In my mind and in reality, likely, every penny of the cash I was awarded in the class action suit settlement went to buying cigarettes.

Go figure.

-Zuzu
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kevin
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PostPosted: April 18, 2004 6:34 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks, Lisa - the journey itself is awesome, but it's even better when it's shared.

and Tammy - as long as you're loving every moment, you'll never be in danger of throwing that freedom away.

Zuzu - i wish i could say that i'm shocked by the story of your arrest, but, sadly, i'm not; it can happen here, it has happened here, and, until we make it clear that we won't stand for this kind of thing any more, it will continue to happen here.

you may be interested to know that it was these two sentences from your "Saturday" post

- "But what if today is a culmination of all life's beauty and mystery? What if that moment is right now?"

that made me think, "but of course that moment is right now; that moment is always right now", and that reminded me of the piece i reposted here (which i wrote some time during my first month of freedom from smoking).

your story makes a powerful point about the nature of addiction; when you can be in a nightmarish situation like that and the most prominent thought you have is, "the bastards! they won't let me smoke!", what does that say about the way addiction distorts reality?
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Carol



Quit Date:
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Location: Wisconsin

PostPosted: April 18, 2004 7:49 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

All I can say is....Thank you all so much ,,,what an incredible thread.
Beautiful and
AMEN
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Tammy



Quit Date:
February 16, 2004

Posts: 2565
Location: Florida

PostPosted: April 18, 2004 8:44 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Zuzu, I just wanted to say how sorry I was to read about what happened to you. I have never been in that situation. However I have been in many where a crisis was going on and all I could think of was finding a place to smoke.

One example: My Mom was very ill, in the hospital. I would stay awhile but then had to run downstairs every so often to get that fix. She did not recover and oh how I wish I had all of that time back. The time I could of spent with her instead of being outside in the snow smoking. I am not beating myself up over it. What happened happened. That was who I was then.

I am so glad that is not who I am any more and I am so glad I am done with that life.. Very Happy
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Tammy
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Zuzu



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PostPosted: April 18, 2004 10:56 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tammy-

Don't be sorry.. it's all part of my story.. the one I'm here to live out with all the good, bad and the ugly. I learned from the experience. I still do.

And like Kevin said, the journey IS the freedom... it's all about the journey.. you had to stand out there in the cold in order to be where and who you are today. Your mom knows.. she does. She knows how you struggled, she knows your regret.. she knows that in some way your remembrance of standing in the snow is going to help you keep this quit and one more time she gets to be apart of giving you life. She knows.. and she's really proud of you.


Kevin-

That moment is always right now - because nothing else exists really. I loved your post - thank you so much for sharing!!

It is rather funny and sad all at once that I couldn't dig into the sense of injustice about the whole thing in the moment. But it did make me acutely aware that no one can be a revolutionary and a nicotine addict all at once... cigarettes narrow one's thinking about freedom.

-Zuzu
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