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Im really really sad
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terryg



Quit Date:
May 13, 2004

Posts: 177
Location: washington

PostPosted: September 21, 2004 11:37 PM    Post subject: Im really really sad Reply with quote

The heading said RANTS, well, I'm about to do just that, rant, & Im sorry in advance because its about to get real ugly.... but I promise I wont smoke.

I am so very very sad, and mad. I think sad describes it better, but it makes me mad that I'm so sad. I cried almost the whole way home from work today. I originally 4 months ago quit with my three coworkers, they have one by one gone back to smoking. The last hold out started smoking again last week while I was on vacation. I returned to work this week to find out. Now all of my coworkers are smoking again. That means I no longer have anyone to break with, or lunch with unless I want to go outside to the "smoke shack". Nothing personal they said but, can you hold down the department if we all go to lunch together, since "you dont smoke anymore?"

The comradery (sp?) that existed between all of us is gone. I even feel outcasted during the work day, as they feed off of their conversations from break & lunch throughout the rest of the day. Never in a million years would I have thought that this would happen. Work used to be a place I enjoyed being. They weren't just co-workers, they were friends.

So here I sit, feeling estranged from my friends. I'v been trying to lose the 20 friggen pounds that I have gained since I quit. To no avail, I have not lost a single pound, I just pray that I dont gain anymore, as I was overweight to begin with. I have not been physically healthy for quite some time now. My thyroid was disolved through radiation 3 years ago, and they cant seem to get my medication adjusted right, so I have no energy most of the time. I'm ranting on this forum as I dont feel like I have anyone else right at this moment to talk to. Even my husband doesnt want to hear about it, he just tells me to go back to smoking. It's all so dam sad.

I'm soooooo tired of fighting the nicodemon for the last 4 months that I just dont think I have enough energy left to diet, keep my house clean, maintain the yard, do laundry, be a wife, raise my grandaughter, go to work and perform my job well, or anything else for that matter.

There........... thats said........... thank gawd this is a computer or the paper would be all wet about now. I should probably read this 10 times and delete. But I won't, instead I'm going to try to gather up just enough energy to figure out what to do next.
Suggestions are welcome.
Thanks for letting me "RANT" .
Terry
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Mar



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 99
Location: B.C., Canada

PostPosted: September 22, 2004 2:03 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi, Terry. I'm sorry your co-workers have given up on quitting smoking. Be thankful that you are still hanging in there. They are the losers, not you.

You asked for suggestions. How about talking to them about your feeling left out. They may be a little ashamed of themselves and that's why they all take lunch together. I don't think they are purposely trying to leave you out of their conversations, but may not want to be reminded that they have failed. What was the office atmosphere like when you all were smoking? If your thyroid isn't working properly, is it possible you are over reacting because you are so tired all the time?

Don't just sit there and feel bad - speak up. Do not, repeat, do not even think about joining them. You have been quit for four months - that's quite an achievement. I know it is hard work. Be proud of yourself.

Hope I have helped.

Marlene
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ms_tapestry



Quit Date:
October 21, 2009

Posts: 2574
Location: Seminole, TX

PostPosted: September 22, 2004 2:17 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Terry, my heart goes out to you. I am completely in tune with the sadness you are experiencing. Emerging from behind this cloud of smoke is scary and exciting, and the feelings you are experiencing are completely normal. One of the immediate things you can do for yourself is practice some extreme self-care. Rewards are so important. You deserve it. Treat yourself to something special. A nice, long hot bubble bath with candles comes to mind. Another thing you can do is add a walk to your day. Instead of smoking, go outside and take a short walk. I often found myself coming back inside the same time as the smokers, so there was a sense of joining them, and coming back to work together. I also was able to smell that awful stench on their clothes which helped me realize how glad I was not to smell like that anymore. I don't see how not smoking should exclude you from lunch plans. I still have lunch with people who smoke. I just don't smoke. This is probably more about your co-workers feeling guilty about relapsing than not wanting you to be with them.

It's all about choice, Terry. You can choose your attitude. I am glad you posted. It helped reinforce some of the things I am doing for myself. Very Happy
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You must do the very thing you think you cannot do.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
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Hope



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 346

PostPosted: September 22, 2004 3:50 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well who needs friends like that?

Maybe they're just feeling guilty about smoking again, so would rather group together than hang out with a successful strong non-smoker? They'll come round...and if not then then sod them. Quitting brings out changes in our lives, and if friends can't be considerate, or only want us when we're puffing away then we can do without them.

If you can quit (which you have!) you can do anything!!!


I kept a diary last time (!) I quit. I re-read it the other day. Some of the words were so true. I said I'd been up and down emotionally but that things were "OK": Not OK as in "great, happy", but ok as in "not too bad, hanging in there". I said that apart from having times of thinking the world is a hopeless place, blubbering like a baby and the brief spells of sheer depression (hey we can't have evrything!?) I'd sometimes feel "OK" and that as long as "OK" popped up a couple of times per day, then I thought I was doing alright.

These spells can hit us early in a quit or later. But they pass.

We're emotional at the moment...but we're strong. We're really doing this...wowser, who'd have thought it!!

Keep your head up and smile, we're doing good!

Hope


Last edited by Hope on September 22, 2004 7:50 AM; edited 2 times in total
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Melody



Quit Date:
August 19, 2004

Posts: 1103
Location: Ontario

PostPosted: September 22, 2004 6:12 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I believe since they were unsuccessful in their Quit they might be giving you support the only way they now how, keeping you and the cigs separate. I'd talk to them as I doubt they realize how this is hurting you. As for hubby he is looking at the easy way out. He doesn't want to hear about it and figures if you were smoking again this conversation would be over. I'd kick his back side for you but sorry can't reach. Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Stay strong you have come so very very far and you are one of my bread crumbs so stay out front. Laughing
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
-

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: September 22, 2004 7:38 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

when i quit, Terry, i went through much the same thing at work; my smoking "friends" cut me right out of the herd. it's actually very common; i wrote a tale about it that you can read if you like: it's called the herd mentality. in fact, out of all my smoking "friends", only one still treated me like a friend after i quit. that told me a lot. from what you've written here, i'd have to guess that the people you're referring to are not now, and never were, your "friends"; if they were, they wouldn't abandon you because you're no longer a practicing addict.

your husband's attitude is not so shocking, either, unfortunately; a lot of spouses seem to be the same way. you don't say whether he's a smoker or not, but if he is, realize that he's just another member of the herd. if not, he's just an insensitive ass (sorry, that's as nice as i could put that; i mean, does he care so little that he wants you to start slowly killing yourself again so that he doesn't have to offer you a little moral support?).

you've gotten some good suggestions here; i especially like the one about taking a walk instead of going to the smoker's "death box" (or whatever it was you called it Smile ); did you know that raising your heart rate for just 10 minutes will accelerate your metabolism for hours afterwards?

and realize that your validation for the choice you've made (not to commit slow suicide by continuing to smoke) has to come, first and foremost, from within you; if you look outside yourself for that, you will eventually end up disappointed.

know that you're doing the right thing for yourself. stay strong.
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keep choosing life!

kevin

the zen of the quit
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Pamela



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3542
Location: Gardiner, NY

PostPosted: September 22, 2004 7:41 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy It's natural for you to feel sad, Terry. After all, you left the herd. Kevin has written a great Tale called the Herd Mentality under month two of his Tales.....you should read it.

It takes a lot of courage for you to be the only one left who is still strong enough to quit. and really, if these were truly friends of yours, don't you think that they could give up a break or lunch as "non smoking" for you once in a while? They may not look it to you, but believe me, they are guilty about leaving you in the lurch, and more about losing their quits.

stick it out. True friends will not leave you abandoned for long. Also, there may be some other people where you work who are non smokers, that you can talk to.

Whatever, do not allow their weakness to be a reason for you to let Laughing Demon back into your life. also, you may find that someday, you are strong enough to join your smoking friends, as a non smoker, and it won't bother you at all.

You stay strong!
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Melody



Quit Date:
August 19, 2004

Posts: 1103
Location: Ontario

PostPosted: September 22, 2004 8:03 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just thought of something and am wondering if maybe some give the friends the boot instead of the other way around. Hubby and I went out last night with scads of our friends and there was a few of us that QUIT around the same time. There are 6 of us now. Well one of our past times last night seemed to be telling smoking friends how much they STANK. The more I think about it, it was rather mean. It's no wonder if we are on the short list for the next get together. Embarassed
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Hope



Quit Date:
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Posts: 346

PostPosted: September 22, 2004 8:07 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

ooh, this could be a whole thread on it's own!!

I don't think we can help becoming smug non-smokers a bit...I mean, smoking is nasty and does indeed smell!

It's as if we've seen the light and can see smoking for what it really is. As an addict you either can't see or choose not to. I try not to mention it to friends but can't help it sometimes...

Should we keep our mouths shut or spread the words so to speak?!....i'd hate to be a smug ex-smoker!.....as I said - a whole new thread!.
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Melody



Quit Date:
August 19, 2004

Posts: 1103
Location: Ontario

PostPosted: September 22, 2004 8:19 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now that I've thought of it I'm planning to rethink my attitude before I don't have any friends left. Rolling Eyes I don't think I've hit the path of no return yet. Laughing Laughing
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Fightn4life



Quit Date:
October 23, 2003

Posts: 1573
Location: Loysburg, PA

PostPosted: September 22, 2004 9:14 AM    Post subject: This too will pass... Reply with quote

Terry I can understand and feel your pain. I too went through what you are going through. All my co-workers smoke and when I quit I felt cut-off from the group. I was told "no one likes a quitter"

A month or so into my quit I had several workers quit smoking. I felt great again feeling a sense of belonging. Then as you had happen one by one they started back. I have been alone from then on. I don't go out to the smokers area but I write in a journal or read during breaks. I don't feel unhappy like I did, so long ago. I kept telling myself back when I was going through this (through tears) I was choosing life.

I too remember being so freaking tired of fighting this addiction all alone. Home I have a chain smoking husband. I also had the experience one day I was so over trying I was in tears telling my husband I couldn't do this. He said…"start smoking again."

That my dear was my breaking point. I felt so much relief knowing I could smoke again. But…did I want to??? I chose life and stopped trying so hard to "fit" in. I am in…I just choose not to smoke.

Work might not be the same but I am not sorry one bit I choose life. Sometimes I take a non-smoking walk break around the warehouse. I love the feeling that if I am having a bad night Nicodemon is not screaming at me to feed it. I stop think, and regroup. I don't need the smoke.

I am again close to my fellow workers, it took time and newer people that come to work there don't know me as a smoker. Some times a co-worker will give up a smoke to take a break with me.

It was me that had to change my thinking. Again it came down to this being my quit, my choice, my life.

Hang in there. Those tears will stop someday as freedom becomes your new home. Your "friends" that are really friends will find a place in their smoking lives for you. New ones will come around.

What felt strange was for so long I felt people only liked the smoking me…why then do people I meet now like me? It wasn't the smoking at all. One day you'll see that in yourself.

Use these boards to vent as much as you need. You'll have so much support and know you are not going through this alone. For so long the boards were my life line. You are not alone.

I remember going out to my car when things felt overwhelming and I'd start to cry…not any more.

This too will pass.

Never give up…your life is so worth living.

Sandyz
Ten months, four weeks, two days, 11 minutes and 14 seconds. 15075 cigarettes not smoked, saving $2,057.78. Life saved: 7 weeks, 3 days, 8 hours, 15 minutes.
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londa



Quit Date:
July 28, 2004

Posts: 2469
Location: new york, USA

PostPosted: September 22, 2004 11:33 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sweetie, Everyone has given you warm loving comfort! We have all been there. When a door is shut, GOd opens another one. He does not leave us.

I use to drink terrible. When I quit, my drinking friends didn't invite me to be with them anymore. So they really only wanted me for a drinking friend. When I quit, I reminded them of what they had chosen not to do. I guess I made them feel uncomfortable. It was hard in the beginning, but I am so happy now that I do not drink. That was 30 years ago.

Same thing happened when I quit smoking. My best friend has not set foot in my house. But I still love her, and helped her with her son's wedding and with her father-in-law. She only came to my house so she could smoke. I finally confronted her with this. We are still friends, but I am not going to go back because all of my friends smoke.

Some day, they will stop smoking. You hang in there girl. We all love you here. And we are here for you.

Love, Londa
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My name is Londa. I am 57 and I act like I'm 20. I love to laugh and smile. The more the better. Being kind to someone is the best thing you can do.
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Carla



Quit Date:
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Posts: 347
Location: Kansas City, MO

PostPosted: September 22, 2004 3:07 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi, Terry. So sorry you're feeling sad about your friends. Sounds like a lot of us lost friends. I lost some - one of 20 years. But I made some new friends, too. I'm going to lunch with people I didn't used to eat with. (I used to not want to spend my lunch hour with nonsmokers before because I couldn't smoke around them.) I'm taking walks with people I used to not talk to. I've found support and encouragement from unexpected sources. I hope the same happens for you.
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Carla
Quit Date: January 4, 2004
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terryg



Quit Date:
May 13, 2004

Posts: 177
Location: washington

PostPosted: September 22, 2004 9:15 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I want to thank every single one of you for your wonderful words of support, condolences, and advice. Each one of you have given me something to reflect on.

What I have found most amazing in all of this; is the amount of pain and stress I'm going through, yet smoking was not my first option. I hadn't even realized that yesterday. That is incredible to me.

The pain is still there, and I see that it is going to be a part of my overall healing, like it has been for so many of you. The quit is not the only change Im going to have to go through. (for some reason, maybe because my focus was different in the begining of my quit, I had not anticipated any of this.)

Does anyone here do yoga? I think I will do some further research on this. I hear it's supposed to help strengthen you physically & mentally. Maybe it can help with my weight & the mental challenges im going through.

I especially want to thank you Kevin for this wonderful forum. It provided me with a quick, easy, and comfortable place to turn to for help.
Terry
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
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Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: September 22, 2004 9:19 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Smile
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kevin

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