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Humilulated
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Barbara K.



Quit Date:
December 23, 2004

Posts: 5977

PostPosted: October 19, 2004 1:54 AM    Post subject: Humilulated Reply with quote

I do not know how I have become so intimated by someone like my husband by choice. I have some ideas how I have but that's all hindsight. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with my husband. That's the big reason why I excused myself from my night class tonight before it was over because my husband was waiting for me and I feared him getting angry at me again. A friend admitted today that he's noticed my husband is sharp with me sometimes but over silly stuff. If my husband needs my help with something, he'll call for me in a sharp voice. If he wants me to do something he'll speak to me in a harsh voice.

One of the other students told me tonight on my way out if she didn't see me the last night, which is Wednesday, that it was nice. For some reason I felt like crying because after I had just walked out of class after telling the instructor my husband was waiting for me and I had to go, I felt humilulated. I felt like everyone in the class probably wondered why my husband could not wait and what his hurry was. I realize now it's my insecurities making me think they thought it strange. It's just what that other student has said to me on my way out, "if I don't see you on the last night, it was nice." It made me think she suspected my husband would be mad or something.

I don't even know what to think anymore. I have an appointment with a counselor a week from tonight about spousal mental abuse. A friend is going to take me. My case manager tells me that marriage is not easy but if this is what it's all about I don't think I want any part of it. Sure it was easier when I smoked to not care but now I want my life back. I'm not satisfied with it for now. My case manager who is suppose to be my advocate says funding is low when I ask her about services to break away.

My husband has refused marriage counseling 3 times in the past 1 1/2 years. The last time I asked him he said he was happy and that's all that matters. Well, I could go on and on but I won't. Oh, I forgot about all the insults I have to put up from my husband too. My therapist says I cannot get him for mental abuse just because he insults me. I guess I will have to sit down and make up a whole list of things that I have to deal with my husband to be more prepared the next session with my therpist. My other therapist didn't have that attitude.

Blessings,
_________________

Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.

Blessings,
Barbara K.
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ms_tapestry



Quit Date:
October 21, 2009

Posts: 2574
Location: Seminole, TX

PostPosted: October 19, 2004 6:55 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Barbara, you deserve to be happy, healthy, whole and loved. Go to counseling on your own, with or without him. Just go. Take back your power. No one has the power to make you happy or unhappy. It is all within you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Tonya

You must do the very thing you think you cannot do.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
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londa



Quit Date:
July 28, 2004

Posts: 2469
Location: new york, USA

PostPosted: October 19, 2004 8:08 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

God did not put you on this earth to be abused. You go to counseling on your own. He is only a man.

The first 15 years of my married life were HELL! Then finally when my husband told me he had an affair, I didn't see this perfect man, and me imperfect. I started to stand up for myself. We are still to gether, only because he has changed for the better. As soon as I stood up to him things got better. It's not perfect, but I no longer take the abuse.

I don't know your situation. But you get yourself help to help you feel better about yourself. God made you. Your here for a purpose. And it is not to be abused!

You hang in there!

Love, Londa
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My name is Londa. I am 57 and I act like I'm 20. I love to laugh and smile. The more the better. Being kind to someone is the best thing you can do.
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Cowgirl UP!



Quit Date:
July 26, 2004

Posts: 5029
Location: Ala

PostPosted: October 19, 2004 10:59 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Barbara,

I hope you will go to counseling on your own....this is very important to regain your self-worth...please do not allow yourself to be treated any way that you are uncomfortable with...my daughter has been through this...please heed the warning signs and get the appropriate help now!
Kay
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Marigrrl



Quit Date:
December 1, 2010

Posts: 894
Location: New York

PostPosted: October 19, 2004 11:17 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I feel terrible you have to go through this. I wanted to mail you last night but see you posted here. I did not know is my email would "vanish".

You should go to counseling with or without him. You don't deserve to be treated like this and who said marriage is someones death sentence?? If your not happy you have the right to take all the steps to be happy again. I understand how marriage is tough etc and sometimes people don't see eye to eye but i believe if your with the right person, you don't have to try so hard. I have the 2 very best examples of that from my parents.

Please seek out all the help you need in your 3-D life and never hesitate to come here and post. Its your right to be happy, NO ONE should ever change that.

hugs
Mariko
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kannprint



Quit Date:
April 10, 2004

Posts: 4988
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: October 19, 2004 12:09 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dear Barbara,

No one should have to put up with a belittling spouse. Life's too short to torture yourself. Seek that counseling and don't give up. You deserve so much better. Either your husband changes his attitude or you find a different life. I know that's rather simplistic but that's about what it boils down to. Would you consider moving in with family for a short period?

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You're going to find the way to that better life. Just don't give up.
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LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH.
Jo
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Barbara K.



Quit Date:
December 23, 2004

Posts: 5977

PostPosted: October 19, 2004 4:07 PM    Post subject: Re: Reply with quote

I do not have anyone I can move in with. My therapist told me awhile back if I plan on leaving my husband I should build up my support systems first and that makes sense. I don't feel so upset today but that's because I have already been trying to to build my support systems by getting back in contact with old friends and getting a renewed friendship with them. My computer class partner who dropped out of the class last week wants to be my friend for lunch and to help one another on the computer since we both have the same version. I think I will call her tonight. She is around my age and has a good sense of humor.

Blessings,
_________________

Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.

Blessings,
Barbara K.
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ms_tapestry



Quit Date:
October 21, 2009

Posts: 2574
Location: Seminole, TX

PostPosted: October 19, 2004 5:55 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Barbara, a support system is good. I am glad you are getting advice from a professional. You might also want to check out a shelter in your community. Your therapist would probably be able to recommend one. You hang in there.
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Tonya

You must do the very thing you think you cannot do.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
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leen



Quit Date:
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Posts: 199
Location: wisconsin

PostPosted: October 20, 2004 10:34 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Barbara
I just read your post. I feel for you and yes marriage is hard but it shouldn't be like that. You are not his door mat you are his partner, to stand at his side not run behind him.
My husband sometimes thinks I don't hear him, well the tv is going and the dishwasher and I am in a different room .What a butt. Well when he gets in that mood he talks to me like a child and thinks if he can tell me over and over like a child and pound whatever it is in my head then he has accomplished something. I get really sarcastic with him and let him know I am not a child and tell him whatever he wants to tell me does not need to be pounded into my head like a child. He finally stopped after I got him good. It used to drive me insane. I told him I am not a child and he needs to realize it. I really went into it but he did change somewhat. Everyone is different , but if it were me I would've made him wait. I have felt the same way , where I have to hurry up so he don't leave me ..etc..
I have now come to the point if he leaves me there will be hell on earth.
I had to make him see me as an adult but the leaving me behind was my own insecurties. (Can't spell today) I just hope things get better for you and I will be thinking of you. ttyl
love leen
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Tammy



Quit Date:
February 16, 2004

Posts: 2565
Location: Florida

PostPosted: October 20, 2004 8:10 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Barbara, I agree that maybe checking out the local womens shelter might be a good idea. They may be more sympathetic to your needs.
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Melody



Quit Date:
August 19, 2004

Posts: 1103
Location: Ontario

PostPosted: October 21, 2004 9:23 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm with LEEN. You must take a stand sorry to say it but I believe you have created this situation ( That is if he is only verbal but toss this on the fire if he is physical). It doesn't matter by the way that you have screwed up and allowed it thus far. The shock and awe campaign will just be all that more surprising. I can see his eyes bugging out now as next time he acts like that bellow out the door of your class for him to Settle Down you'll be out when class is over. My hubby DARES once in awhile to try crap like that and you can bet he is always some sorry he went there. We have 20 years into our marriage and we are each other's best friends. We are a team so it actually makes the other person more secure when you offer him the security he needs. People that act like your husband is acting are usually insecure in themselves and it has nothing to do with you. Take control but not by babying him. He needs tough love. Now if he is physical go to the shelter don't look back and put your energy into getting the healthier half of all you own with hubby. Make that your priority. No better way to heal your hurts than a SCREW YOU ATTITUDE. Good luck now it's time to kick ASS not ASH (that one is behind you)

Just so you know some 25 years ago when I was in my early teens I ran away from home with a real sweetheart who turned out being pretty nasty. Well over the next few years we had no money but I walked out with 2 kids age 2 and 4 and never looked back. Took me 2 weeks to get a home and job together although I was lucky and had the full support of a very caring family. I should also add I met my hubby of 20 years 5 weeks after I left that relationship. Days like today when it might help another I blow the dust off the past and take a peak at what was. Unfortunately I believe those first 2 years play a big part in my youngest daughter's problems as some people have to look back and I feel she is one of them. Such is life.

Wink
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bwick18



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PostPosted: October 21, 2004 7:44 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Barb,
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I would say it is mental abuse if you felt you had to leave a class early just because he was waiting. And the name calling is also mental abuse. You don't have to stand for that, I know there must be help out there some where. Just don't forget the wonderful person you really are. Hold on to that, he cannot take that from you, no matter how ugly his words are. You are not the one who should be humiliated, it should and will be him Dear. Hang in there and definately go to that counselor.
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Barb
After the rain comes the rainbow- I will get my rainbow back
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Barbara K.



Quit Date:
December 23, 2004

Posts: 5977

PostPosted: October 23, 2004 1:53 AM    Post subject: Re: Reply with quote

Very Happy Thanks all again,

Melody, I like that tough love attitude. I kind of used it on him tonight when he called me stupid. I had found out tonight a dear sweet cousin of mine had suddenly died yesterday and my husband does not say one word to console me. I asked him to take me out to eat tonight for supper and he asked me if I had money to pay for it. I get a very small income while he has a good income but that doesn't stop him from trying to keep me spending my money on him. I stood up to him and told him I would not pay for supper out.

Blessings,
_________________

Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.

Blessings,
Barbara K.
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Melody



Quit Date:
August 19, 2004

Posts: 1103
Location: Ontario

PostPosted: October 23, 2004 10:03 AM    Post subject: Re: Reply with quote

bkking wrote:
Very Happy Thanks all again,

Melody, I like that tough love attitude. I kind of used it on him tonight when he called me stupid. I had found out tonight a dear sweet cousin of mine had suddenly died yesterday and my husband does not say one word to console me. I asked him to take me out to eat tonight for supper and he asked me if I had money to pay for it. I get a very small income while he has a good income but that doesn't stop him from trying to keep me spending my money on him. I stood up to him and told him I would not pay for supper out.

Blessings,





Stupid: In what context did he use that and I'd analyze his reasoning. Find out who called him stupid when he was younger and you just might get to the start of his downfall. Does he not understand that stupid is a word used by the ones that just don't have intelligent vocabulary on their side. What purpose does he find for calling anyone stupid it sounds much like my grandson who screams stupid at a toy. I always sit him down and try to get him to see calling the toy stupid will change nothing and it's a pretty useless way to handle the situation. Don't let meaningless words hurt you as it's the old sticks and stones coming into play.


Lesson number 2:
If you are married of course you had the money to take him out if he had the money to take you out. Next time just tell him sure. Then ask to be dropped at the bank so you can pick up your LEGAL HALF OF EVERYTHING.

I'll toss in lesson number 3 for free: Laughing Laughing
As soon as you have the money in hand tell him you no longer feel hungry and even if you were you'd be inclined to pick a more pleasant supper partner.

Yes we all know it would never come to that but it might make him think twice. I don't get paid for any of my volunteer work but I can tell you this Hubby would never dare suggest or even have the nerve to control available funds. In a marriage each spouse has in my opinion an obligation to protect capital and to have enough for an easy retirement but other than that money is there to enjoy. Laughing Laughing

You are on the right track though just take control and if he is worth one moment of your time you will soon see a change that will make you proud of the stand you have taken. Laughing Laughing
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chooverg



Quit Date:
June 10, 2004

Posts: 148
Location: Ohio

PostPosted: October 24, 2004 12:55 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

When I first got married my husband did not know how to treat me. The only lessons he had learned was from his parents. They loved each other but his mamma was a door mat. She did for everyone and name calling was just part of growing up. I had not been exposed to these things and we had not discussed it before we got married. What A Huge Reality Check I had.
I didn't know what to do. At first I thought maybe if I showed him how much I loved him he would realize that he was treating me wrong. Wrong. That didn't work. Remember it wasn't that his parents didn't love each other it was the way they communicated that was WAY wrong. So, then I tried reasoning with him. I told him I would not take responsibility for his actions. When he called me foul names or broke something then he was responsible and not me. Well, that worked a little then he would get mad and off he would go.
One night I finally had it. I couldn't take it anymore. I was looking at him as he was 'loosing his mind' and I thought F** you. What right do you have to treat me like this. WHO the hell do you think you are? I am not your MOM!!
So I grabbed the first thing I found and threw it against the wall. I asked him if he wanted more of that. Well, he looked at me like I had losted my mind. He asked me if I was proud of my behavior and that he would not take responsibility for me loosing my mind. The thing I picked up was Cajun Pepper and broke the container against the wall. The ceiling fan was on and was my eyes a burnin. I didn't care. I couldn't take it anymore.
The moral to this story is. He loved me but didn't know how to act. I had to teach him.
If your husband learns then that is great. If my husband wouldn't of learned from that experience then there would of been another and there was but that is another story.
I decided that I wouldn't live that way and I don't. Until you can figure out what to do....bless you. I hope you can. I just realized that he hadn't hit me and if he would I could call the police. I just couldn't live with a maniac anymore.
The most powerful thing that my husband learned was that he was responsible for what he did and said. I didn't have that much power over him and he didn't have that much over me.
Good luck
Christina
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Kindness done by men with ugly faces
The worst horse won at the races
So, I trust too
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