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Explaining that message I left...it fits better in rants
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Fightn4life



Quit Date:
October 23, 2003

Posts: 1573
Location: Loysburg, PA

PostPosted: January 2, 2005 3:36 PM    Post subject: Explaining that message I left...it fits better in rants Reply with quote

I feel I should explain my post. I wanted to disappear, but I did not want any one to think I relapsed.

I made it through the Christmas holiday so good then came New Years Eve. I worked from 7 pm to 7 am. My boss can be a real jerk some times. Insensitive is a better description. I know my emotions have been right out there so I try very hard not to let him get to me.

I work on a shift where I am the only female, not to mention the oldest on that shift. I work my as* off I guess trying to prove even as we get older we can still be a productive part of society, plus…I really care about my job and the people I work with.

They had a major lay-off and I was blessed being one of the ones they have kept. I try so hard to please our supervisor by working hard. I have learned so much at that place.

I could go on for hours…I will not though. It is all so unimportant. I did feel as if I was having a nervous break down at work New Years Eve. I sat in a corner in the ladies room crying. I could not stop. Thank God, there are no women are on that shift…no one could come after me. Some of the other men covered for me.

Everything seemed to crush me all at once my life just felt so out of control and I could find a place to try fixing it.

My ungrateful butt head as a boss, I wonder all the time why he gives me such a hard time. I cannot help I am not "one of the boys." The other women on that shift quit, transferred or were fired. They could not deal with working for him. I for some stupid reason learned enough about the machine I work on for it to be a curse. I can't transfer because they are running a skeleton crew on all shifts. What I know about the operation about the shift is what kept me from being laid-off. (You would think I would be grateful)

So as I sat there crying wishing I were dead, (not really) but thinking it…it all came crashing down. My daughter's husband losing his job (he is being transferred to Orlando) because of hurricane Ivan. It caused a snowball effect, my daughter has to move from a place she loves, take my grandsons out of a school they love, and she has to leave the college she was attending. And, she just found out she is pregnant again.

My oldest daughter had a terrible time getting past the holidays; she lost her son, my grandson when he was 9 years old. I want him back to stop her pain.

I want to be able to walk out the door of my job but I can't we have to have the benefits now that my husband had surgery and will be under medical care for 6 months to a year.

I want my son out of jail…I can't bare at times thinking about him spending 10 to 30 years in prison because of an addiction to drugs. I don't want to live 1000 miles from where he may be sent to spend his time.

I want life to be like it was before the walls came crashing down.

One min I want to be strong, another I feel like I have been strong long enough. I want to be weak. And whine all the time.

I want to be able to stop keeping all this crap inside me because some of my family can't talk about kids that grow up to be "bad" people or kids that can't grow up at all because their lives for GOD knows why is cut short.

I just want to smile, laugh, trust our God, and learn to live again. Now that I have been taking this journey to freedom, I feel I can't deal all the time. I don't know how.

Shit…see. Now I tried to think of all the reasons I should be grateful, say I am sorry for posting a message that sounded bad and I find myself so damned angry. Nowhere to put this anger.

Thank you for the PM's. I will try as it was suggested to look around and know our God is there, here, in everything, and with every one.

My heart aches for all those lives lost in war, 911, and now the tidal wave, (I can't spell what they really call it) and I am helpless to fix it but I can pray.

My heart goes out to every one that looses a loved one, or is watching one struggle with life.

I will try to take this next step, be grateful for the little things, and stop dwelling over the unhappiness.

Some day, I will learn to live as a nonsmoker I am more determined than ever to remain smoke free. It is one good thing I have done for myself and no one can cut me to pieces for choosing life.

Sorry for that message. I do not really hate life. I love life. I am learning to live with out a smoke screen and at times not so easy.

I do not think much about the act of smoking, I wonder how long it takes to live with out a mask.

Thanks for listening and most of all for caring.
Sandyz
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"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."

~Anonymous
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ms_tapestry



Quit Date:
October 21, 2009

Posts: 2574
Location: Seminole, TX

PostPosted: January 2, 2005 3:44 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bless your heart Sandy. I don't have any answers for you. I don't know why we are given the burdens we are given. I don't know why bad things happen to good people. I wish I could fix things for you and heal your breaking heart, but I cannot. All I can do is pray for you and that I will do.
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Tonya

You must do the very thing you think you cannot do.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
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alleghany



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 2049

PostPosted: January 2, 2005 3:47 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Big hugs!!!

You may not be able to change the world, but you have made a great change in yourself and helped others (like me!).

My prayers go out to you! Crying or Very sad

edited because I can't spell or type today! Embarassed
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Face your fears.
Quit date: June 6, 2004
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Fightn4life



Quit Date:
October 23, 2003

Posts: 1573
Location: Loysburg, PA

PostPosted: January 2, 2005 4:09 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you Tonya for your prayers. Through them I will find peace. The power of prayer I so believe in.

alleghany, It is comforting to hear I have changed some lives for the good. I know I am changing and I must think it all will be for the better. Now that I have ranted and nothing happened it's time to work on the positive things I can change.

Through it all…I am still smoke free. I might have felt as if the walls came crashing down but the demon did not find a way in.

Thank you all...it was the words I have read within this site that echoed loud and clear when every thing went nutty New Years Eve.

Oh yeah…Happy New Year.

Sandyz
_________________

"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."

~Anonymous
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londa



Quit Date:
July 28, 2004

Posts: 2469
Location: new york, USA

PostPosted: January 2, 2005 4:09 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know Sandy, sometimes we just feel like shit! Yep thats what I said. Sometimes, we just can't take anymore. We get mad at God and everyone! We are only human. That is why God loves us unconditionally. Thank GOd for that!!

You know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your just going through a very bad time right now. If I was right there, I would take you out for the biggest hot fudge sundae. (Then I would complain about how fat I was) But then we would laugh and laugh!

Jesus loves me this I know...
For the Bible tells me so...
little ones to Him belong...
they are weak, but He is strong...

Yes Jesus loves me...
Yes Jesus loves me...
Yes Jesus loves me...
The Bible tells me so....

Sometimes just gettin back to the basics, helps alot.


Love ya Girl!

Love, Londa
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My name is Londa. I am 57 and I act like I'm 20. I love to laugh and smile. The more the better. Being kind to someone is the best thing you can do.
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Fightn4life



Quit Date:
October 23, 2003

Posts: 1573
Location: Loysburg, PA

PostPosted: January 2, 2005 4:16 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
If I was right there, I would take you out for the biggest hot fudge sundae. (Then I would complain about how fat I was) But then we would laugh and laugh!
Londa you are a doll!

How i would love a hot fudge sundae. Most of all I would love to laugh...and hear your laughter. We would have a great time. I wouldn't care about the weight either.

Sandyz

Thanks for the song going on and on in my head... Very Happy I loved to sing that as a child. Thanks for the memory,
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"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."

~Anonymous
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Pamela



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3542
Location: Gardiner, NY

PostPosted: January 2, 2005 4:47 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Remember that movie, where the news anchor guy went nuts, and just started yelling..."I'm mad, and I just can't take it any more?"

Well, we all have days and times in our life like that. What's more maddening, is that it's mostly the things that we can't change or control that make us want to scream the most.

You have to deal with your neandrathal, knuckle-to-the-floor, butt headed boss....I have to deal with my bean hating friend.

Bottom line is that you HAVE learned to behave like a non smoker. You just don't respond by smoking any more!

What's more, you are a star and a shining example here at Kevin's house. People look up to you, and want to follow in your example.

What more can you ask for? (I know, an Ice cream sundae!).

I hope you can find a reason to laugh those tears away.
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FIVE + years of freedom and loving it!
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Backfist



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 340
Location: Rome, Georgia

PostPosted: January 2, 2005 5:51 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok girl! It's time for some serious life repair, girl! Yes, that's right. It's time for you to HAVE SOME FUN.

I hereby order you to go on vacation!

Dekie
2Y +

P.S. And above all else, take a moment to Just Breathe!
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Cowgirl UP!



Quit Date:
July 26, 2004

Posts: 5029
Location: Ala

PostPosted: January 2, 2005 6:30 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sandy,

Gosh girl, I must have missed something...trying to relax and spend some time doing something other than spreading my buns....Yes, I said my buns because my rear is getting so thick it is like the tops of two hamburger buns sticking out ...feels foreign to me....had got used to the bones and now can't find them. Oh yeah, your post, sorry my apology for being late got sidetracked.

From what I have read Sandy, it seems the rollercoaster has taken on a new height and you are on a really hugh ride here. I am sorry for all your troubles but I am so proud of you for not smoking. You know you are worth more than smoking. You know you are a hard worker, dedicated and loyal so it seems your boss should be the grateful one. But hey, jerks are made everyday, some are self made others are just born jerks. You, on the other hand seem to be a very caring, kind and considerate person.
I hope by posting you are feeling better now...sometimes we just have to get it out...I had a therapist tell me once that as long as we keep it in our head it seems to grow but once we speak of it or put it on paper it seems to not be as big.

You have always been there for so many of us and I hope you will let us return the favor... I love you girl even if I do not have any answers or magic tape to fix it. Now, you take some deep breaths and know your friends are all praying for you and wishing you well.
Kay
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All with a little help from my friends, COWGIRL UP
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Jill-dec1



Quit Date:
December 1, 2003

Posts: 101
Location: San Diego

PostPosted: January 2, 2005 6:47 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sandyz

I certainly can relate to your sadness. I’m often afraid to post because life just hasn’t been at its best and I’m always at a loss for words. There seem to be so many sad events in our world today that every time I watch the news I have tears. I do know that not smoking has been the only thing in my life that I have ownership. I am most proud of my quit and no matter how hard life is around me I still have my quit. You have a good quit and that’s one good thing in your life. Hope your feeling better.

Jill
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Serenity isn't freedom from the storm;

it is peace within the storm...
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Fightn4life



Quit Date:
October 23, 2003

Posts: 1573
Location: Loysburg, PA

PostPosted: January 2, 2005 7:04 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pamela, yes I recall that movie...I laughted. Seems that is where I went the other night. So glad the white coat didn't find me. That was a close call. Phew...

You are right this is me as a nonsmoker scary as it sounds. I need a bit of work. Thank you so much for caring.

Backfist
, you know yesterday morning after I got home, slept a few hours and woke up crying again. I thought that...I need a blasted vacation. I thought about a Yoga retreat?? A place on the beach?? Some down time!! Where ever.

Your advise is what I need, I know that. First to get hubby to a point he can at least tie his own shoe, (he still only has use of one hand..the left and he is a righty) then I am seriously thinking I need a get away. Thanks for ordering it...I wont feel so guilty when I kick up dust and blow out of here for a little R & R.

Cowgirl Yes this was a high very scary ride for me. I can't believe I almost lost it. I felt that thin line between sane and insane, but reading these replies at least I don't deal with a bean hater, right Pamela?

Cowgirl you are right...writing this has helped. I had many tears on my keyboard but I feel a weight lifted. I still haven't a clue how or what to start dealing with first. So for now I'll just take those little steps.
If I were to deal with what I had control of it would only be my choice to smoke or not.

I choose life. right now that is something I can deal with.

Thank you all for all your prayers. It means so much to me.

Sandyz
_________________

"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."

~Anonymous
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Fightn4life



Quit Date:
October 23, 2003

Posts: 1573
Location: Loysburg, PA

PostPosted: January 2, 2005 7:15 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jill- thanks for caring. I was terrified to write all about what was going on in my life as not to shoulder a quitter with my problems. You are so right every time we turn on the news more pain and suffering around the world.

You should be very proud of your quit. It is something you have control over, everyday.

I hope you feel free to express yourself on the boards when things feel a bit over whelming. Try not to do as I did and reach a point where you find yourself standing on a thin wire feeling like there is nowhere to rest. And a looong way down. It scared me.

Thanks all for supplying the safety net.

Sandyz
_________________

"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."

~Anonymous
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Seabrez



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 4458
Location: Gulf Coast

PostPosted: January 2, 2005 7:38 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

SandyZ

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me (Jesus) you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

The Lord has told us that we will face difficult times in this world. But, He has also told us that He will give us peace. Sandy I'm so sorry it's such a time for you. Trying to get past those hurts and feelings is heartbreaking! I'm praying for you. I'll be praying that the Lord pour out His oil of gladness over you. It does sound like you need to just get away for awhile. If you can't take a vacation, at least, go out and have some fun or do something you really like to do!!!! You just need to refresh and recharge so you can face and deal with all this "stuff" you're going through. Remember, the boss is a butthead, but he can't steal your joy. When he gets on your case, just pray to Jesus for peace and joy under your breath....and then say I'm not going to allow him (the boss) to steal my joy. Remember the verse in James 4:7 "Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." And just keep going. Just like quitting...choose joy. Wink

Love Ya,
Deb
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Living in Freedom
Deb

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 2 Corn 5:17 NASB
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Fightn4life



Quit Date:
October 23, 2003

Posts: 1573
Location: Loysburg, PA

PostPosted: January 2, 2005 8:06 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know Seabrez (Deb), I do think I will take the time, just an afternoon if it's all I have for now to take a horse back ride to the top of the mountain. If ever I want to see what unmistakably part of Gods work is, I can find it there.

There is so much beauty all around me. I need to get away now, even if for an afternoon and just look around. Riding along on one of the most magnificent gifts in my eyes we have here on earth, the horse, I believe I can start the healing process. In looking, I think I can find the peace you all are praying for me.

Thank you so much,
Sandyz
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"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."

~Anonymous
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kannprint



Quit Date:
April 10, 2004

Posts: 4988
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: January 2, 2005 9:01 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dear Sandy,

I felt your despair while reading your post. Yes, it seems you've been given far too much to handle but God gives us only what we're capable of dealing with so He must know that you're an extremely person. After all, He made you and knows you far better than anyone else does.

Is there anywhere you can go for a day or two to just kick back and enjoy the peace and quiet? You need some time to get a new perspective so you are better equipped to handle the burdens you've been given.

Sandy, for what it's worth, you've been such a big help to me in maintaining my quit. For that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I'll be praying for you and your family. Remember, "It's always darkest before the dawn."
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LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH.
Jo
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