quit smoking support @ woofmang.com
people helping people beat the addiction to nicotine
 
help support our communityDonate FAQFAQ SearchSearch RSS FeedRSS Feed MemberlistMemberlist RegisterRegister ProfileProfile Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages Log inLog in

so many relapses lately!
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    quit smoking support @ woofmang.com Forum Index > and rants
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
bigdaddyscds



Quit Date:
May 13, 2004

Posts: 562
Location: San Angelo, Texas USA

PostPosted: January 6, 2005 1:10 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hope, maybe I am a bit confused with what you are getting at.

Quote:
what happened to our strong group??...come on guys!


I guess my question is what are we doing that does not exhibit strength? Compassion can be strong, understanding can be strong, a pat on the hand and a kind word can be strong. I guess I would ask you what do you think we should say to a person who has lost their quit? I know that there are people recently who have lost their long time quits that were singularly responsible for me keeping mine early on and I'm not about to go to them with anything but "I'll be here for you when you're struggling because you were here for me". What else can a support site offer? I surely wouldn't think that you would suggest chastisement or criticism, so I am confused on what you are suggesting we should say.
John
_________________

All things are difficult before they are easy.
Thomas Fuller , M.D.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
law_girl_1969



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 626
Location: Freeburg, Illinois

PostPosted: January 6, 2005 1:51 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can't speak for Hope, but I can relate to how some people are feeling lately with my relapse and some others. I can relate because I was the self-righteous one before I relapsed Wink

It used to TICK ME OFF to no end that people would relapse and come with their "sob stories" justifying why they smoked, etc, etc, etc.

What I have learned, and I learned it long before my relapse, was that we should be proud of ourselves as we progress through this journey. We should not accept any excuse for ourselves as a reason to smoke, because we all know there are no good reasons. Absolutely none.

The horrible side of addiction, and the one that lets it take control, is that disconnecting from people allows the junkie thoughts to take over. With nothing competing for attention, the thoughts can run rampant and overtake you. The last thing we should want is for people who do veer off course by their bad choices to not feel like they can come back.

So, all I would ask of the frustrated ones here right now is to either let the posts go that upset you so much, or take a deep, deep breath before you start posting about how bad those of us who have had setbacks are making YOU feel. Assume that not everything is about you, and that our missteps have nothing to do with your quit. Stay strong, and if you can't be compassionate, then don't respond.

I've not only apologized to those who tried to help me, I've never said that any of the things going on in my life were reasons or excuses to smoke. They were events that led up to my bad choices, and I believe that sharing them can be helpful to some people. Most of all, they are helpful to those of us who have relapsed because sometimes we can't see through it without getting it out in the open for others to look at.

I asked for some tough love, and got nothing but love all around. It wasn't that people couldn't have been harsh with me and told me to get over myself. They could have done that. Instead, those who chose to respond tried to shed some light on what I was going through, tried to show me different ways to look at what I was going through to prepare for it next time. That more than anything is what helped me get back on track. If I had started seeing these posts before then, I can almost guarantee I would have never set foot here again. I may or may not have quit again, and it may or may not have been soon enough. But it wouldn't have happened with the support I receive here, and I would hate for that to happen to anyone else.

Know more than anything that I am SO proud of you who have stayed so strong through so much. I continue to learn from everyone, just about every day. For that, and for you, I am grateful.
_________________

Lynn

"There are those who think they can and those who think they can't and they are both right." Henry Ford
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address
Kerry



Quit Date:
May 4, 2004

Posts: 862
Location: Illinois

PostPosted: January 6, 2005 1:54 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I guess the best thing to do would be to ask the person who has relapsed. We're all different and may need different things. If someone is cruel to me, I coccoon, I need more compassion. On the other hand, there are people who want tough love. There is nothing wrong with that. We just can't forget that we're working with individuals, not robots. Furthermore, we also need to keep abreast of how strong we are in our own quits. I have not relapsed and I don't plan to but I have been feeling fragile for the last few months. The holidays are a hard time of year for me because I love them so much that it has been hard for me to be very supportive. I know that that's selfish but it is what it is. To give a lot of support at this point just reminds me even more of how much I want to smoke and I really need to protect my quit. I am however, slowly coming out of it. My healthy mode is kicking in and I am feeling great about my quit. Let's just remember that support comes in many forms. Kerry
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Marigrrl



Quit Date:
December 1, 2010

Posts: 894
Location: New York

PostPosted: January 6, 2005 1:57 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great Post Lynn. As someone that has "relapsed" or "slipped" in the past, I do not regret my bad choices one bit. I learned so much from my mistakes and they have made me stronger, stronger than before. I have no idea what the future holds but I know everyday is a learning experience, I am not a "quit expert", but I am a quitter and everyday that goes by I do get better at it.

Mariko
_________________

Follow Your Bliss
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Wanda



Quit Date:
March 15, 2004

Posts: 425
Location: Carlisle, PA

PostPosted: January 6, 2005 2:36 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

kay you should never shut up. even if one person is offended by what you said, someone else might say "i never thought of it that way, what a great idea"

when i read of a relapse(this will be in agreement of some other posters) the top surface is gee why couldn't they be stronger, but what i'm really feeling is (imagine whiney voice) why do they get to smoke.

what i forgot that this thread reminded me of is, i'm still an addict, and thats why i'm jealous. i'm not over it yet!

i love the robbing convience store comparison, that makes great sense.

good thread!
_________________

Wanda
Quit Date 03/15/04
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Melody



Quit Date:
August 19, 2004

Posts: 1103
Location: Ontario

PostPosted: January 6, 2005 2:58 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

A couple sayings come to mind with this thread

There is my side of the story
There is your side to the story
Last but not least there is the true story
(goes something like that)

There is the right side
There is the wrong side
Half way in between is likely the truth of the matter
(again something like that)

These threads sometimes appear destructive to some but to me it has actually given me a better understanding of not only how I'm feeling but seeing some of how other's deal with it. I believe since I first arrived here I've learnt to be more accepting of another's relapse as the bottom line is it doesn't affect my QUIT at all. Saying that I also have drawn loads of strength from you guys and gals early in my QUIT when I needed it to stay focused. I no longer fear that I would ever smoke again as it is not part of my life anymore. I've changed so much in my whole perspective of what smoking meant that it is no longer anything I find attractive. I pretend more sometimes around the gang that it is tougher as a batch of us QUIT together and some of them suffer agony at times still. Even here sometimes I'm reluctant to admit how easy it has become as it is hard to share that when so many other's are finding it anything but easy. I've often thought I can't be the only one that feels that way but then it runs through my mind that likely they moved on as they had already filed it. One of my main replacements for boredom was posting here so it's a tad hard for me to let go of this site. Dr. Phil is also running a show on the computer addict so I guess that will be my next stop but how do I get onto that support group?????? Confused
_________________

I'm a NON-SMOKER thanks to everyone here
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
law_girl_1969



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 626
Location: Freeburg, Illinois

PostPosted: January 6, 2005 3:32 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

The difference is, Melody, that whether or not you intend it, you can cause hurt feelings. The fact that you didn't intend it doesn't change someone else's pain. You get to choose your words and your reactions, but you don't get to tell someone else that they don't feel the way they do because of them.

For the record, I'm using "you" rhetorically, not you specifically.
_________________

Lynn

"There are those who think they can and those who think they can't and they are both right." Henry Ford
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address
Melody



Quit Date:
August 19, 2004

Posts: 1103
Location: Ontario

PostPosted: January 6, 2005 3:49 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lynn I agree with that as a few times here I've had my feelings hurt and thankfully got over it . There are so many ways to interpret different opinions that it is not always easy to see what the actual poster intended it to be in the first place.
_________________

I'm a NON-SMOKER thanks to everyone here
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
LadyHouck



Quit Date:
January 4, 2004

Posts: 195
Location: Texas

PostPosted: January 6, 2005 4:24 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Most of the time I do not post to threads about relapse. Not because I am not sympathetic to the person's plight or feelings, but I am absolutely terrible with coming up with the right words. I am blunt to a fault and since I have been on the quit smoking sites in the past year or so, I think that it is better if I refrain from saying anything. Feelings are raw when people quit smoking or relapse. And since we are not face to face, my comments can be taken in any number or ways. I would never intentionally hurt someone on this board, even if my opinion is completely different. Right or wrong doesn't really matter when someone is hurting and lost and scared. I was shocked when certain people relapsed or slipped. It didn't affect my quit at all, but it did make me angry. Not at the person, just at the addiction that lead up to the relapse. Like Melody, I literally never think about smoking at all. I haven't in a very long time. That said, I know that there are very few of us and that the quit is significantly different for everyone. So if I don't post to a relapse thread, don't think I don't care. I just feel like I can't really add anything to what others have already contributed. If you asked anyone who knew me to describe me, compassionate or sweet, would likely not enter their minds. I'm the one to call when you need a kick in the backside rather than the shoulder to cry on.

Regardless, I am glad to see the relapsers getting right back to quitting. I am very proud of all of you.

Hugs,
Tonya
1 year free
_________________


Tonya
3+ years!

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

Erma Bombeck
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Kerry



Quit Date:
May 4, 2004

Posts: 862
Location: Illinois

PostPosted: January 6, 2005 4:28 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

We also need to remember that email is deaf so sometimes the way something is written may sound differently than the way it was intended so I am careful to read over what I write as to possibly not offend. I really believe that being supportive doesn't mean unkind. Kerry
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Mindy



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 1074

PostPosted: January 6, 2005 5:49 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

There is NEVER a reason to smoke...........NEVER!!!! Bottom line. Nobody ever said quitting smoking was a piece of cake. YOu have to take the good with the bad. Remember your resolve. It's that simple.
It's great to learn from your mistakes, but there are some who don't and keep on the path of destruction. There is only so much you can do for someone who continually relapses...which thankfully most of the people I see here, relapse and get right back on their quit and are successful. Statistics show that most of us take more than one attempt to quit smoking. I know I did and most of you did also. In that sense, it's a learning time. Learn from what went wrong that led you back to smoking in the first place so the next time you get put in that spot you know how to cope and refrain from smoking.


That's my take on all of this. And I hope not to offend anyone!

Hugs,
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Melody



Quit Date:
August 19, 2004

Posts: 1103
Location: Ontario

PostPosted: January 6, 2005 6:21 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Man Who Thinks He Can!

If you think you are beaten, you are;
If you think you dare not, you dont!
If you'd like to win, but think you can't,
It's almost a cinch that you wont.

If you think you'll lose, you're lost
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow's will;
It's all in the state of mind!

If you think you're outclassed, you are;
You've got to think high to rise.
You've got to be sure of yourself
before you can win the prize.

Life's battles don't always go
To the strongest or fastest man;
But sooner or later the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can!

Author ~ Walter D. Wintle
_________________

I'm a NON-SMOKER thanks to everyone here
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Kerry



Quit Date:
May 4, 2004

Posts: 862
Location: Illinois

PostPosted: January 6, 2005 6:32 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

GREAT POEM MELODY! KERRY
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
kannprint



Quit Date:
April 10, 2004

Posts: 4988
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: January 6, 2005 9:08 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kay,

I understood the analogy in your 1st post and was not the least bit offended by the corelation to cancer. We all see things differently and I can understand how you thought this through having had an aunt who had cancer 9 times. I don't believe anyone thought you were saying we choose to have cancer. We do, however, choose to smoke and that's what this site is all about -- helping each other not to make that choice.
_________________

LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH.
Jo
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
tsjay49



Quit Date:
January 1, 2004

Posts: 1863
Location: Kentucky

PostPosted: January 6, 2005 10:01 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

There IS a time to be tough, but that is BEFORE someone screws up, not AFTER.

If someone is whining and talking like a junky, and you think they are setting themselves up to go back to smoking, then THAT is the time to be tough.

However, if someone posts that they have relapsed, recognized their mistake and admit that there was no excuse for it, and have started a new quit or set a new quit date, then what purpose could being "tough" possibly serve???

Tom

I have been quit for 1 Year, 5 Days, 21 hours and 31 minutes (371 days). I have saved $1,394.60 by not smoking 11,156 cigarettes. I have saved 1 Month, 1 Week, 17 hours and 40 minutes of my life.
_________________

If a person with Multiple Personality Disorder threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    quit smoking support @ woofmang.com Forum Index > and rants All times are GMT - 4 Hours
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3  Next
Page 2 of 3

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

quit smoking support
woofmang dot com