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Ok...I admit it I need help. :(
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Fightn4life



Quit Date:
October 23, 2003

Posts: 1573
Location: Loysburg, PA

PostPosted: January 7, 2005 12:05 PM    Post subject: Ok...I admit it I need help. :( Reply with quote

Have you ever been away a few days came back and reread something you wrote?

I worked the last few nights and this morning decided to catch up again on the boards. I reread both my posts. It was like reading a perspective from two different people. One where hope is lost another where renewed hope finds a home.

I believe after reading these two threads I need professional help. As Dr Phil said once, "my life is a train wreck."

Maybe quitting smoking has opened up so many smoke covered wounds from the past and now new problems in life are hitting raw nerves. I am thinking I just have not a clue how to deal with all this. I do not know how.

Like quitting, I know the basics. I know it is my choice. I know faith in our God is the answer. My thoughts keep drowning out the prayers. I feel I am not deserving of HIS love.

Life??…I am relearning to be a non smoker. I did not have much practice before I picked up the addiction. I have so many emotions racing through my system they are more and more feeling out of control.

For those of you that treaded lightly asking if I might consider asking for professional help I want to thank you.

I am at a point in my life where the past is colliding with the present. The words from long ago haunted my thinking about asking for professional help until now. I was taught and still hear from my dad, how weak and crazy this world is to look in a pill bottle for a quick fix. (He is a smoker)

I learned at Al-anon what my life would be like living with an abusive alcoholic. I quit attending meeting's because I was "weak" seeking help. Years later still the words I heard, the stories remained with me and after yet another trip to the hospital I chose life. I made the decision I was worth living. I left my abusive husband after 15 years.

The Lord helped bring the kind (smoking man) into my life and I was given the chance to learn what a normal relationship was like, give and take, and not being afraid any more.

Now my life seems to have come to full circle…my son falling in my x husbands footsteps. He is an abusive man, although I believed him for years and denied it. He smoked, became addicted to heroin and robbed a bank...twice. Yes, the same bank twice trying to feed his addiction. He lives over 1000 miles from me and always I wanted to believe the voice on the phone…not the sign's I knew from the past. My son turned 30 years old this April.

Now I am left here thinking I am responsible for his actions in this life. My past has contributed to his reckless behavior. Why did I cling to an abusive man for 15 years. I wasn't there for him after the loss of my grandson, I wasn't there for anyone. I am grateful my two daughters did not follow his steps but they are smokers just like, "mom"

All these years I watched addiction killing the ones I loved, yet I sat back smoking not realizing I too was an addict. Where was the parent my kids needed that did not have an addictive behavior?

I am thank full for everyone that offered advice to seek professional help. I have every self-book I could find…trying to fix myself by myself.

Thanks to posts, I read, advice I hear, I know with out a doubt I need to reach even further and get the help what ever it is I need.

I wanted to rebuild the walls and I was thinking smoking again would be the foundation. My God…I almost relapsed after a year. I kept telling everyone and myself I will never take another puff while the junkie in me was screaming it would be better to cloud this over and smoke again.

I am seeking help today.

I have not smoked and will not. Deep down I KNOW…it will change nothing that is going on in my life. I am just looking for an escape.

I have carried the part about my son being a bank robber so deep within myself from March on being so afraid everyone would judge me as a parent. If so…I am sorry, I raised a child that has grown up to destroy other lives. Thank God, no one was hurt during the robberies.

So many other things are crashing down on me, if by chance I start talking to some professional person and they lock me up some where…just know I won't be smoking with a little white jacket on.

Thanks for listening to me rant…the last few days/weeks.

So much for my "good bye" letter. I could not even leave right.


Sandyz
fightn4life for 443 days, and not giving up yet!
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kannprint



Quit Date:
April 10, 2004

Posts: 4988
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: January 7, 2005 12:19 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dear, dear Sandy,

Please do not leave woofmang. We need you here and it's a great outlet when you need to "vent."

Stop blaming yourself for your son's behavior. As a mother, I know we want to carry all our childrens' problems on our shoulders, kiss it and make it better. You wrote that he's 30 years old. Sandy, he's old enough to know what's right and what isn't. When a youngster begins running with the wrong crowd (which is probably exactly what happened with your son), there's very little a parent can do. All the talking and pleading in the world isn't going to change their desire to be with "the crowd."

If you feel you would profit by seeking professional help, do so. There is absolutely no negative in recognizing a problem and working to solve it. If that requires working with a psychiatrist or psychologist, so be it. Get help wherever it's available.

Sandy, you remain in my prayers. I know you can conquer all these issues. Try taking them one at a time and be sure to allow some time just for you.

Remember, "Let go and let God."
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Wanda



Quit Date:
March 15, 2004

Posts: 425
Location: Carlisle, PA

PostPosted: January 7, 2005 12:20 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sandy,

i'm typing with the tears welling in my eye's, so much pain for you. the only advice i can offer you is that as a parent you do the best you can do, only hindsight is 20/20.

i'm never very good at this, i feel, but i can't get the words to the fingers. good luck to you.
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Wanda
Quit Date 03/15/04
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law_girl_1969



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 626
Location: Freeburg, Illinois

PostPosted: January 7, 2005 12:43 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sandy, how I hear me in your words. It's classic for someone involved with an addict, if that makes you feel any better. Of course you didn't want to believe anything bad about your son, of course you wanted to see the best.

Please don't leave woofmang just because you may be seeking help elsewhere. We love you very much and will take you wherever and whenever you are.

I totally understand wanting to numb the pain, because it is exactly what led me to make horrible choices. But look at you! You're recognizing your pain, reaching out, and you will come out on the other side, I just know it.

We love you, I'm praying for you and your family, and you just remember that you are worth any help you need!
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Lynn

"There are those who think they can and those who think they can't and they are both right." Henry Ford
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alleghany



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 2049

PostPosted: January 7, 2005 1:03 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sandyz ~
You are NOT responsible for an adult child's life.
Should I go back to smoking because my mother____________[insert the blank]?
No.

Sending prayers to you! Crying or Very sad
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Quit date: June 6, 2004
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Pamela



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3542
Location: Gardiner, NY

PostPosted: January 7, 2005 1:12 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I hope you're not leaving us, Sandy. I, for one, need to see your name and avitar here. All of us quitters work to find a new normal. Well, you're part of mine.

I hope you can make peace with yourself, because you are not to blame for anyone elses addictions...just as you know no one else is to blame for yours. Hang on....I know you'll get through this rough time in your life.
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kjsblue



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 756
Location: Nebraska

PostPosted: January 7, 2005 1:18 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Sandy -
I'm sorry you are having a difficult time right now...I am a believer that these difficult times are times of growth for us. God doesn't put anything in our lives that we cannot handle. Making the decision to accept and seek help is probably the greatest gift you could have given yourself.

As you may remember from Alanon, one of the most difficult things for a codependent is to ask for and accept help. We have a faulty belief system that we are weak if we need to ask or accept help, when exactly the opposite is true! We are our strongest and our most independent when we CAN ask for and recieve help! Smile

You are strong, you are a survivor, and you are not responsible for your son's behavior. He is an adult and he makes his own choices. It pains us to see the ones we love make bad choices, but they are theirs to own. It is not for us to own them. We cannot take away their pain, and we cannot learn their lessons for them. They must be responsible for themselves.

You are doing great Sandy and you are such an inspiration around here. I pray that you find the peace you are looking for.

Kris
Four months, four weeks, two days, 10 hours, 45 minutes and 2 seconds. 3048 cigarettes not smoked, saving $609.96. Life saved: 1 week, 3 days, 14 hours, 0 minutes.
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If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it -- William Arthur Ward

Q.D. August 8th, 2004
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londa



Quit Date:
July 28, 2004

Posts: 2469
Location: new york, USA

PostPosted: January 7, 2005 1:25 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sandy, I will be calling you tonight!

Love, Londa
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My name is Londa. I am 57 and I act like I'm 20. I love to laugh and smile. The more the better. Being kind to someone is the best thing you can do.
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Fightn4life



Quit Date:
October 23, 2003

Posts: 1573
Location: Loysburg, PA

PostPosted: January 7, 2005 1:35 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

At this point in my life, I'll not be leaving Woofmang (Unless I am locked up in a padded cell.) …the "good bye" letter I was referring to was the one I wrote 5 months ago.

I talked to my Dr for the longest time my last visit and he suggested I try an antidepressant. I have the prescription but didn't fill it because I felt I was stronger. I was thinking after reading my posts from the last few days I needed something.

I am going to fill the prescription and try it. In addition, we have a hot line at work that helps with mental goings on. I figure before I reach for the smoke, I will try another path.

Several quitters have asked if I felt professional help might be an answer…I always said no. I was wrong…I can feel it. I can feel the pull of the addiction thinking it would help me feel less depressed.

Looking at the truth, I can see where anyone of us hit with the storms of life would look back to the last comforting thing they could remember and want that again.

I cannot go there. I don't want to try and quit smoking again. But I do know as long as I am alive I will never give up trying to quit smoking, so why start back?? I am nuts..so therefore I need help. More than what I can offer by myself. I need people right now. I tried to leave the boards for a while before but I guess I wasn't ready. Not now either.

kannprint, Wanda, alleghany
I know all you are saying is so true. I know I cannot always blame myself. I keep telling myself that but I go back and forth into and out of depression. Some thing isn't working right in my non smoking brain.

Lawgirl, (Lynn) I am so grateful for your post. I read it so many times about your relapse. I could see myself through your words. Your relapse saved my quit right now. My heart goes out to you...and thank you too for posting. I am so glad you are back on the journey to freedom. I know for sure IF I had relapsed I would be right where you are now. Starting over.

Sandyz
Holding tight for 443 days!
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"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."

~Anonymous
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Cowgirl UP!



Quit Date:
July 26, 2004

Posts: 5029
Location: Ala

PostPosted: January 7, 2005 1:35 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

WHOA!!!!!!! Sandy, don't leave me...you have been such an inspiration to me!!!. I don't care what your children have done, well I care but would never judge you by it...god forbid isn't that HIS job??? All any parent can do is the best they know how at the time...these little bundles of joy do not come with instructions you know... If a parent learns something 10 or 20 years down the road, who could hold them resposible for not knowing it at the time...heck, back then COMPUTERS was not even a word and Dr. Phil was driving his own parents crazy....

You may want to talk to someone who is a professional...may I suggest a Psychologist and not a shrink as they only medicate the problem...you want someone who will help you understand it and cope.....

There is nothing wrong with seeking help, what is wrong is going through life pissing everyone else off because your own life is in turmoil. I have not seen you do this... Asking for help is a sign of maturity and strength not weakness....not all times is medication a necessity.......

We are are or who we are Sandy, some inherited and some enviromental...but we must learn to accept and love ourselves...you did not rob the bank Sandy.....you did nothing wrong....

Please stay with us Sandy...it is my cry to you for help and I am sure others feel the same...No, I am not asking that you hold me up when you feel you can barely hold yourself up....I am asking to hold your hand so that you know that you are loved and cared about.
My thoughts are with you,
Kay
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Fightn4life



Quit Date:
October 23, 2003

Posts: 1573
Location: Loysburg, PA

PostPosted: January 7, 2005 1:49 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh crap...No I wasn't meaning I was leaving...I need all of you right now. Advice like Cowgirl maybe meds are not the ticket. I just know I have to get some kind of help with this depression right now.

I have to say as again my emotions are all over the place. Having so many people respond has brought hope. I can do this.

I have been learning as sooo many of you how to live one day at a time with the loss of a loved one. How do you keep taking those steps when someone is lost to you but still here.

How do I live and think about my son in prison for years? I can not even go past his favorite cake in the store with out feeling like someone hit me in the gut. Yes...I am losing control the closer his sentancing comes up. 10 to 30 years???

Some times I wish it was me instead of him...I have lived. His life is young. (Oh damn...don't lock your doors, I am not a robber) Shocked

I just wish...the pain to stop. That's all.
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~Anonymous
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Melody



Quit Date:
August 19, 2004

Posts: 1103
Location: Ontario

PostPosted: January 7, 2005 2:23 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know how you feel regarding your son as I've had a hard time realizing I raised a daughter that ran off on her own child. Early 20's or 30 who cares their age they crushed our expectations of them. I did the best I could and even if I was a smoker I was there and functioning to the best of my ability. Smoking is not to blame for any of my daughter's problems nor your sons by the way. You go and talk to someone impartial and get all the test you need to make sure it's not a chemical imbalance and take no shame in seeking help. I pray each and every day that my daughter wakes up and gets back to therapy as I had her in it for years when she was younger. She is ADHD as well as an aggressive depressant. It is a hard combination and we as a family decided when she was young not to medicate as it was to controversial. I'm still glad I made that choice for her then but I'd like to try the other side now as she is an adult and in my opinion not functioning at par right now.
It is up to your son to acknowledge and fix his own problems. My ex husband and the biological father to both my girls was an abusive alcoholic. I was out of there when one daughter was 2 and the eldest was 4. My younger daughter takes after her DAD yet she does not remember living with him nor did he see them(his choice) more than once or twice a year. So there is no use you sitting in judgment over yourself as you don't have all the answers and nor do I. I have decided to be the best grandma I can be as obviously I lost the Mother of the year award. Let up on yourself it is time to get on with your life. One thing you are totally right about is smoking won't solve any of this.
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Cowgirl UP!



Quit Date:
July 26, 2004

Posts: 5029
Location: Ala

PostPosted: January 7, 2005 3:41 PM    Post subject: depression Reply with quote

Sandy,

I know too well the hold of depression from both me and my daughter..I am here for you. I did not mean to imply that taking any medication is not a good idea...I just do not like the way the doctor keeps my sister so drugged that she could care less about anything anymore...she is like a zombie and I know you would not want that...

Since no one had added to this post I edited this...
Kay
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tsjay49



Quit Date:
January 1, 2004

Posts: 1863
Location: Kentucky

PostPosted: January 7, 2005 6:37 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

When the Lord is all you have, you find that He is all you need.

"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

Tom
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ggarrison19



Quit Date:
October 12, 2004

Posts: 42
Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota

PostPosted: January 7, 2005 8:06 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sandy,

If they lock you up, find a way to let us know where you are. We want to be locked up with you.

You are the greatest Sandy! You know me from FFS. You let me have the window seat. I don't pour out syrup. I pour out what I see as truth. You are the greatest.

Gary
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