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Leona



Quit Date:
June 1, 2017

Posts: 1838
Location: Alpena, Michigan

PostPosted: January 10, 2005 5:04 PM    Post subject: Not sure what to do Reply with quote

I am stopping in to let all know that I am still smoke free even though I am going through a horrible bout of depression. I am so tired and down that I am having the worst time even functioning. Shocked As you all know my grandmother passed away a month ago now. I am still having the worst time accepting this. I know that she would be kicking my butt for being so down about her going home to the creator. She would want me to be happy for her but selfishly I'm not. I miss her. I want her back I want to be able to talk to her. I want to ask her why am I such a screw up.
I have started an online diary to which I was not able to post this weekend (work weekend again) But I will be today. I am feeling that I need the touch of someone human right now. I feel lost alone and not sure what to do.
Sandy(fightn4life) and I have been emailing and she was the one who suggested the online diary and Barb(bkking) and tammy and Pamela all have been great supports but right now I feel as if I need more. The craves right now are incredible. It seems the more depressed I become the more intense the cravings. No I will not give in to them as I know them for what they are Laughing Demon attempt to get me to return to the fold and I won't.
I had contemplated a goodbye letter to all but I won't give Laughing Demon the satisfaction of taking me from gods grace Embarassed I plan on taking to my dr next month unless this gets worse I think I need help. Maybe.
I am hoping that I wil as I usually do pull myself up by my bootstraps and kick my self and get on with life but I don't know if I am able to do it this time.

Thanks for listening(reading)
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law_girl_1969



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 626
Location: Freeburg, Illinois

PostPosted: January 10, 2005 5:10 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Leona my dear, I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. Don't be too hard on yourself about your grandma. You can rejoice in knowing she's joined her Father in heaven, but that doesn't necessarily make it easy for those left behind waiting. Of course you miss her terribly, she was as much a mother to you as a grandmother, and she was so proud of you for your quit. I know you're not going to give in, that's not even why I'm writing.

I'm writing to let you know that I'll be praying that God lift this pain from you, that He help you find some peace. I know that in Him it will come, my dear sister.

I think the diary is a wonderful idea...sometimes just writing things out can be so cathartic, and can make you see things you didn't know you could see before.

Know that you are loved and are always welcome here. Please don't ever leave, even if you don't post all the time. Any time you need me, please don't hesitate to email me.

God Bless
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Lynn

"There are those who think they can and those who think they can't and they are both right." Henry Ford
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ms_tapestry



Quit Date:
October 21, 2009

Posts: 2574
Location: Seminole, TX

PostPosted: January 10, 2005 7:00 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Leona, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Tonya

You must do the very thing you think you cannot do.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
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Mary Dude



Quit Date:
June 15, 2004

Posts: 4803
Location: Pittsburgh, PA

PostPosted: January 10, 2005 7:10 PM    Post subject: Ask for help... Reply with quote

Leona - If I were you - I think I'd call the doctor...don't wait another month. The grieving process is different for everyone - but this sounds like more than the "blues". I think the diary/journal is a good thing too - it can help, but it can also intensive the feeling of being alone and the sense of isolation and the generalized sadness - again it depends on the individual. I've said it before - asking for help is not a sign of weakness - it takes great strength to know when we need help and to ask for it. Pray about it and know that I will be praying too. I care - and I know your friends here care too! Consider yourself hugged!
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Mary D.
Smoke-free one day at a time!
Worry doesn't help tomorrow's troubles, but it does ruin today's happiness!
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londa



Quit Date:
July 28, 2004

Posts: 2469
Location: new york, USA

PostPosted: January 10, 2005 7:16 PM    Post subject: Re: Not sure what to do Reply with quote

pikachu1lt wrote:
I plan on taking to my dr next month unless this gets worse I think I need help. Maybe.


Why are you waiting until next month to talk to a professional? Is there a reliable counselor you can talk to? A pastor from your church? A deacon from your church? Go to your doctors now, if you feel you need to. Why wait?

Some people grieve longer than others. You need to go and talk to someone.

I will have you in my prayers. You might not be able to talk to grandma, but God is right there listening to you. He is the one that will help you through this.

Keep posting and and stay smoke free!

You can do this.

Love, Londa
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My name is Londa. I am 57 and I act like I'm 20. I love to laugh and smile. The more the better. Being kind to someone is the best thing you can do.
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kannprint



Quit Date:
April 10, 2004

Posts: 4988
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: January 10, 2005 9:04 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm with Mary D. and Londa. Please talk with your doctor now. Why should you suffer this depression for another month when your doc may be able to help you get over it more quickly.

Yes, I understand your grief. If you remember, my best friend died on December 1 and I'm still having trouble believing she's no longer here. Grief is different for everyone but your Grandmother sure wouldn't want you to be so terribly down on her account.

Please know that my prayers are with you and please, please don't even think about leaving woofmang.
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Leona



Quit Date:
June 1, 2017

Posts: 1838
Location: Alpena, Michigan

PostPosted: January 10, 2005 9:39 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kannprint(Jo), Londa, Mary Dude, I would go now except I am on this hmo thing. I have to stick it in with the rest of the crap the dr wants to do for me. So I will talk to him at my appointment which is next month. This month will go fast enough. With all the folks here to care about me I will be ok. Besides the creator is with me at all times and all I have to do is imagine my grandmothers wrath if I were to do something stupid like smoke.

Lynn, Thank you for your very kind offer. I will give you a shout if I need to. If you remember you gave me your messenger name on aim when we first came to here. Man it seems like so very long ago. If things get to bad and I notice you on I will give you a shout. Thank you for the prayers I need all I can get. And I won't leave. I can't right now anyway not with everything doing a delicate balancing act.
I will be ok at least until I see my dr next month.

Eight months, four weeks, two days, 10 hours, 39 minutes and 43 seconds. 10977 cigarettes not smoked, saving $2,333.13. Life saved: 5 weeks, 3 days, 2 hours, 45 minutes.
[/b]
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Mindy



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 1074

PostPosted: January 10, 2005 9:42 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Leona,
You're in my thoughts too.......Hang in there and talk to your dr. about all of this.....
Hugs,
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
-

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: January 10, 2005 10:17 PM    Post subject: Re: Not sure what to do Reply with quote

Leona, you wrote:
...my grandmother passed away a month ago now. I am still having the worst time accepting this. I know that she would be kicking my butt for being so down about her going home to the creator. She would want me to be happy for her but selfishly I'm not. I miss her. I want her back I want to be able to talk to her...

don't be so hard on yourself, Leona, it's only been a month; it's going to take some time for you to accept it. i still have trouble sometimes accepting that my mom's gone, and it's been almost 5 months now. and you can still talk to your her, you know; and if you listen carefully enough, you'll hear her replies, too.

take good care of yourself.
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keep choosing life!

kevin

the zen of the quit
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Cowgirl UP!



Quit Date:
July 26, 2004

Posts: 5029
Location: Ala

PostPosted: January 10, 2005 11:21 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Leona,

I hope you are having a better time of it by now....Kevin is so right about being able to talk to her, both my parents are gone now and I still talk to them....listen to your heart and you will hear the replies...I know my Dad's answer almost before I even ask the question as it is the character he instilled in me....

I hope you have access to your doctor should you need the appt moved up....sometimes the doctors can help when it comes to insurance...please call his office and ask is necessary....

My thoughts are with you...you stay strong...
Kay
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kjsblue



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 756
Location: Nebraska

PostPosted: January 11, 2005 9:23 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

oh Leona, I'm SO sorry you are struggling right now. Definitely talk with your doctor, as soon as you can. You may want to discuss antidepressants with him/her to help you get over this hump...it doesn't have to be a forever thing....just help with the highs and lows. However, a word of caution with any antidepressants - make VERY sure that if while taking them and the depression gets worse or you feel suicidal that you get off them immediately! Some people have adverse reactions to anti-depressants.

I like the online journal idea. I am encouraged by the fact that you are reaching out. You have an excellent support system that appears able to keep you from isolating yourself and that's perfect Smile

You are in my prayers,
Kris
Five months, three days, 6 hours, 50 minutes and 3 seconds. 3125 cigarettes not smoked, saving $625.31. Life saved: 1 week, 3 days, 20 hours, 25 minutes.
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If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it -- William Arthur Ward

Q.D. August 8th, 2004
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Pamela



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3542
Location: Gardiner, NY

PostPosted: January 11, 2005 11:16 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Leona. I don't know about where you are, but in this area, there are all kinds of support groups that meet on a regular basis, usually it's free. I'm sure that there is probably some kind of grief support group in your area. Sometimes talking to strangers is easier than friends or family. You can be more honest with your feelings.

As for those strong cravings, well, I'm not sure that it's a cig you want. Sometimes I feel like that too....i want SOMETHING...but i just don't really know what it is. Either way, I know you won't go back to smoking....your quit was something that really made your gran proud of you.

I don't know where you could find out about the support groups....ours are usually listed every week in the paper. Or, try calling your county health department...they have free programs...and heck, that's what we pay taxes for!
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Tammy



Quit Date:
February 16, 2004

Posts: 2565
Location: Florida

PostPosted: January 11, 2005 10:13 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Leona, Pam is right and I already told you about the Hope Hospice group. Call them. You can talk to them one on one or in the group. NO CHARGE.
Honey, It has only been a month. The wound is so fresh. Call and get a person to talk to go to a meeting and get yourself a hug.

Smoking and blowing your quit wil notl change one thing. It will only make you feel worse.

I am saying a prayer for you right now! I am here PM anytime!
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Free and loving it!
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Fightn4life



Quit Date:
October 23, 2003

Posts: 1573
Location: Loysburg, PA

PostPosted: January 12, 2005 10:02 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Leona, I am so glad you have reached even further looking for help. What Kevin suggested, "talking" to your grandma will help. Also the letters to your grandma in your diary are lovely.

One month? The grieving process takes time my friend. And we are all differant.

My Gosh...grief can strike us years after a loved one has left us, a memory, smell, conversation, so many things. Don't beat yourself up wondering what she may think of you.

There is no time table on grief. Try to take a day at a time and seek help if you feel you can not deal on your own.

Please know as always my heart and prayers are with you.



Sandyz
been free for 448 days!
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