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What would you do

 
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hopeful



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 29
Location: Sarnia Ontario Canada

PostPosted: January 20, 2005 5:41 PM    Post subject: What would you do Reply with quote

I was a smoker for 14 yrs and all the time that I smoked I NEVER smoked in my house. I was never the one who sat in smoke filled rooms. I much preferred to smoke outside even in the cold. I think the smell of cigarettte smoke is absolutley disgusting. I could never understand why one would want to smoke indoors. I especially have no tolerance when it comes to children being around smoke. I have 3 small children and I have personally never exposed them to second hand smoke. I believe people have the right to breath smoke free air, especially kids.

My mother is a smoker. She smokes in her house and she reeks all the time. Its so gross. It makes me gag. My children spend some time with her on an average of about 6 hrs per week and ocasionally sleep over. I have asked her to not smoke around them and she has agreed a couple of times but never follows through. She sits and smokes wherever and makes them leave the room but they are always in and out of that room. I know when Im not there she smokes in the same room they are playing in. My children have always smelled of smoke when I pick them up but now since Ive quit I notice the smell is much stronger that when we get home I have to bathe them.

We have been in fights over this and it has been going on for 6 yrs. I cant seem to get it through her head how dangerous second hand smoke is. This situation has always bothered me and Im afraid to bring it up again because I know it will cause a fight. She says it is her house and she can do what she wants.

I respect that it is her house.

Do you think I have the right to ask her to step outside of her own house when my kids are there?
Do you think that that small amount of exposure will harm my kids?
Am I overreacting?

Thanks in advanced for any advice you may have.

Heather (smoke free 25days)
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Melody



Quit Date:
August 19, 2004

Posts: 1103
Location: Ontario

PostPosted: January 20, 2005 5:53 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like you never smoked in my house and have zero tolerance for people who smoke around kids inside. My parents Quit years ago so it was an easier choice. If I went to a house with smokers I hired a sitter for my kids at home. My grandson is living with me now and I do not bring him into houses with smokers and when my daughter comes to see him she smokes outside. His father is a smoker and is moving in with us as well this weekend and he knows where the smoking room is it's the back deck. Laughing Give your mother some information on second hand smoke and if she still doesn't care that she is harming their lungs I'd choose not to bring them there she can always visit at your house. Surely they mean that much to her. The bottom line is it's up to you as they don't get an informed choice.

Just noted you are from Sarnia I'm on Lake Simcoe noth of Toronto. You are in smoking country up there might be a harder sell.
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kannprint



Quit Date:
April 10, 2004

Posts: 4988
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: January 20, 2005 6:06 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heather, I know this is quite a dilemma for you and I can totally understand your feelings. However, it's difficult to ask someone not to smoke in their own home especially when they're accustomed to having free rein on it. If your mother just can't remain smokless around your children, you may have to find someone else to care for them. I'm sure she knows the dangers of second hand smoke but just feels unable to quit. It's kind of a "Catch 22." I wish you luck.
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mtwilsonranch



Quit Date:
January 20, 2006

Posts: 1863
Location: nevada

PostPosted: January 20, 2005 6:20 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heather,

I used to be a smoking grandmother to 7 grandcholdren. All my children asked me not to smoke around the little ones.....I respected their wishes..
When they would visit me at the ranch, I would make my screen porch my smoking area.....away from all

At the time I thought they were being silly, but still I respected their wishes..and boy am I glad I did not smoke around my grandchildren...I have learned so much about this nicotine and the chemicals in the cigarette, I would have not wanted to hurt them or damage their little lungs in any way........

Give your mother some reading materials on the second hand smoke, and if it was me, I would have to insist that there be NO smoking around them.....If she cannot do this in her home then she can visit them at your home........

You are speaking to her from a place of love........

I am sure she loves them, but their health has to come first..........

Pam
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alleghany



Quit Date:
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Posts: 2049

PostPosted: January 20, 2005 9:56 PM    Post subject: Re: What would you do Reply with quote

hopeful wrote:
Do you think I have the right to ask her to step outside of her own house when my kids are there?


No. I do not think anyone has a right to tell someone else what to do in their own home. I find "requests" (to "change something" in my home) from people with children who bring them into my home, very irritating. Yep, I really said that!!! Shocked Still, I think it would be nice of her. I never smoked inside any home (smoking or non) with my nephews present.


hopeful wrote:

Do you think that that small amount of exposure will harm my kids?


I do not have children. But, I do not expose my nephews to smoke ~ anyone's smoke. But, I was exposed to a great deal of second hand smoke as a child. If it did not harm me physically, I believe it did increase my acceptance of the addiction.

hopeful wrote:

Am I overreacting?


No. Your children are your first priority. You are responsible for their health (mental and physical!).

These are tough questions, but you are being fair and understanding. My thoughts are with you!

Cool
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Kerry



Quit Date:
May 4, 2004

Posts: 862
Location: Illinois

PostPosted: January 21, 2005 12:40 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with alleghany 100%. I personally never smoked in front of my kids. In fact, they didn't know I smoked and I quit while they were young enough to not figure it out. But, that being said, I would never expect anyone to change their behavior in their own home. If I didn't want my children around the smoke, then I wouldn't bring them there. In a perfect world it would be great if she chose not to smoke around them, but this is not a perfect world. It is her home and she should at least have the right to live there as she pleases. I wouldn't want anyone to tell me how I can behave in my house. I wish you the best of luck. It really is difficult. Kerry
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kjsblue



Quit Date:
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Posts: 756
Location: Nebraska

PostPosted: January 21, 2005 9:56 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't think it's right of your mom, but on the realistic side of things, she's not going to change because you are asking her to...I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but if there is one thing I've learned about addiction is that it is EXTREMELY SELFISH -- the drug comes first and foremost before anyone or anything else, which is obviously VERY unfortunate and hurtful. But that is what addiction is.


Kris
Five months, one week, six days, 7 hours, 22 minutes and 18 seconds. 3326 cigarettes not smoked, saving $665.39. Life saved: 1 week, 4 days, 13 hours, 10 minutes.
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law_girl_1969



Quit Date:
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Posts: 626
Location: Freeburg, Illinois

PostPosted: January 21, 2005 10:28 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just had to agree with what's been said before, but wanted to let you know I feel for your situation.

Unfortunately, the only thing you have control over is where you take your children. Maybe when you tell your mom that you have to look for other arrangements for them, she might reconsider her stance.

Remember, she is an addict, just like the rest of us, and it is her home.

Try to have the conversations in love, not anger, and don't attack her personally. Make it about you, and your children. If she's feeling attacked, or like you are a "reformed smoker", she's not going to hear you anyway.

You're right to care about your kids. When my husband and I still smoked in our home (YEARS AGO), our oldest child developed asthma. So yes, second hand smoke is harmful and it isn't something you want to expose your children to. As soon as we started smoking outside, he showed no signs of asthma after about 3 months. Not a coincidence, I can assure you!

Good luck!
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"There are those who think they can and those who think they can't and they are both right." Henry Ford
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dancing_lucinda



Quit Date:
January 14, 2005

Posts: 62
Location: Virginia

PostPosted: January 21, 2005 10:34 AM    Post subject: insight Reply with quote

I have an 18 month old daughter and have travelled 1200 miles every 3 months since she was born to visit my family. We always stay at my parents house, where they smoke.... sometimes in the same room with her. I've never said a word to them about it. In my opinion, knowing and learning from her grandparents is much more important than the second-hand smoke.

I also have a brother who really nags my parents about quitting and smoking outside when he's there to visit. It's become such a point of friction between them (and my 2 younger brothers and myself) that we'd rather he just stayed somewhere else.

Just a little insight from someone who's been there.

Amy
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Kerry



Quit Date:
May 4, 2004

Posts: 862
Location: Illinois

PostPosted: January 21, 2005 12:49 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kris you're right, it is about the addiction. I was having this conversation with my husband last night. When I was a smoker, I needed my fix and I knew it. I was polite outside in social situations; never smoked in other people's homes and would even walk away at a bar so as not to annoy anyone, but my home was different. And if anyone would have given me info on second hand smoke I would have become annoyed at the condescention. I knew that second hand smoke was bad, I was just selfish enough not to worry about it. Kerry
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Cowgirl UP!



Quit Date:
July 26, 2004

Posts: 5029
Location: Ala

PostPosted: January 21, 2005 11:35 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

My dear sweet granddaughter picked up a cig. butt and put it to her lips and reached for a lighter...........that is what kicked this OLD brain into action...oh, it took me a couple of years to quit but I did not smoke with her in my home or vehicle....only outside.....when they start saying want to go smoke??? it tends to open your eyes.
Kay
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