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marw



Quit Date:
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Posts: 3634
Location: Chicago, IL

PostPosted: April 1, 2005 1:44 AM    Post subject: Discouraged! Reply with quote

Seems I am getting more down all the time--physically and now mentally, too!! Sad I was supposed to get healthier from quitting, but instead my heart rate is so fast that I can't even get a decent work-out! I have all these other medical conditions, and my gut is BIG, even though I don't eat much!

I feel pretty bad because my 1 year is coming up! Where is the glory? I feel terrible. I will not even get a reward, because I have absolutely no money. I was supposed to get a trip to Florida. And on the very day of my Aniversary I will be having another medical prodecure!

I know this is a "pity" party, and is probably because of my constantly swollen belly, but I cannot help this miserable feeling. And my mind wants to remember that I didn't feel like this when I was smoking! I considered briefly about that. I don't think I would start back, because, weird as it sounds, I just don't have any desire for cigs. Still, I feel cheated. I thought I was supposed to get healthy and feel wonderful.

I have been so crabby no one can be around me! It feels like the first week of the quit. (Not craves, just being that crabby.) Is this how 1 year arrives? Is it normal? It sure does suck, if it is! Sad Shocked I find myself wishing sometimes I could turn the clock back to when I was relaxed, happy and a smoker. Now Iknow this is a LIE, but it doesn't feel like one when it is happening to me. The thing is I don't' like smoking anymore. Plus I like that I don't NEED to smoke. I wish Icould stop thinking about it. I don't need to smoke, but I need something, what is it? I am getting scared sometimes, that I will decide to try it again (smoking) and see if it still makes me sick. Oh, I know it will! ANd I don't want to do that, but I feels like a rebellion thing--like I am so mad that my body is not doing right, and the docs don't find anything wrong--well, they didn't watch themselves fall from the stamina of a 30 year old to that of a 75 year old!--that it's like: oh, why not?
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Lisie



Quit Date:
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Location: Ontario

PostPosted: April 1, 2005 9:03 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Margaret,

You sound like you are getting the jitters your supposed to get before you get maried!! (not that I would know)LOL, but your one year is such a huge event. Congratulations!!! I just wanted to let you know that you would still have these issues even if you smoked. I know, you already know this and it must be so hard to still be thinking like this.

Your heart rate would be even faster than it is, your belly would still be the same, just turning more at the guilt of smoking again. All the things you mention, would still be occuring as a smoker. You would just have one more HUGE problem to contend with, and be more broke than you are you are now.

When that rebbel in you needs to be fed, could you have a glass of wine?? Maybe two!! Cool and maybe you could plan a pary with friends for your aniversary? You can go to a show for the price of a pack, or a really good dinner out for the price of a carton! (at least in Canada anyways)

Have you read any good books lately?? The library is a great outing and doesn't cost anything, and a garden nersery always brings me a little peace. Just to smell, and know that there is real beauty in life itself.

I have sent you a little e-mail, and am also sending you hugs!! Hope you are feeling a little better and will talk soon.
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Melody



Quit Date:
August 19, 2004

Posts: 1103
Location: Ontario

PostPosted: April 1, 2005 9:59 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Go figure smoking was healthier all along. As my grandson would say "WRONG ANSWER" We have suffered a few set backs this year health wise as well I had quite a few small illnesses when I gave up smoking but at no time would I turn back because the bottom line is if I'd never smoked I wouldn't know be trying to repair the damage I've already done. It's not like you get to bargain your QUIT with God and promise if you quit today all the years of self abuse will just vanish. Hubby has been diagnosed with MS this year and since toxins in the body might be a reason that your body attacks itself it is likely smoking contributed to his condition. We have choices here to toss a pity party or the alternative which we chose to immerse ourselves in support groups and to live the very best we can and not to take the limits that MS can impose to heart. I spend most of my free time right now studying the info out there and looking at every angle. Today we go to the allergist so that we might eliminate all toxins so the body has a chance to heal. We also had to fight for a spot with the leading MS doctor at St. Michaels and after lots of work he agreed to take us on just yesterday. We were told we would never get in as he is booked solid. Sometimes it just takes putting all your negative energy to a positive use and things will turn around. Just stressing yourself out can be enough to cause ill health so it is no wonder that QUITTING has caused a few problems. I'd rather put the stress behind then to keep self destructing. You do not need a smoke by the way but you do need an interest. Wink
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marw



Quit Date:
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Location: Chicago, IL

PostPosted: April 1, 2005 2:03 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

THanks Elise. YOu are right of course, about still having the problems anyway. I LOVE your suggestions about the wine and party!! Very Happy My Anniversary is actually on Tuesday, but I think I will celebrate it early on the week-end before. A Broadway show (and I do believe the ballet may be in town!) with dinner afterwards with be just FAb! Very Happy I'm going to work on it now.
I see also (now that the idea of this kind of celebration has come up) that part of the depression is that a lot of my artistic and dance friends have--said to say--died, or moved out of town. I need to work on finding some new relationships in this area, but that will take some time. However, I think I can get it together for the Anniversary! Great idea!! Very Happy
I already belong to the library. But, like you, I love gardens! Unfortunately, that's most likely how I got the hernia--moving the heavy pots around in my garden. I'm getting worried that I can't do it this year because of all the heavy work--and of course, I can't afford to hire anyone. This is something else I have to work out. I really want my garden!!! I wish I was outside digging right now, and moving out the lawn furniture (it is too early to plant), but I dare not! None of it is really related to quitting. It's funny how when our world does not go right, we promptly start blaming our Quit!! Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes
YOu have really solved what to do about the Anniversary. Very Happy Cool YOU have really "knacky" ideas, so if you have any about my garden, will you let me know? It is a huge container garden. Our "backyard" is all concrete in the back of our L-shaped building. I have many big trees in tubs, tropical plants, hybiscus bushes, a palm tree, and a rubber tree (all very big!) that winter over in the basement. THere is a picnic Table in the middle and other small round tables of glass and slate (now stored) that set around as well as chairs and recliners. I have also many row boxes, and other planters and tubs and baskets that I fill with colorful annuals. I have trellises and vines, too. It is very lush and beautiful when I am finished but requires much work for the upkeep--although the heavy part is setting it up. Anyway, just wanted to share this, I guess.

Thanks again, and I will go read you email now, too! Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

Love,
Margaret

P.S Forgot to say, the next back shot is April 11, but the hernia operation
is not until May 2--right in the middle of "gardening" season!
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kevin
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Quit Date:
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Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: April 1, 2005 2:11 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

although i haven't had the same health issues that you've had, margaret, i've definitely felt the same way at times; i mean, "why isn't my life this way or that way now that i've quit smoking? i thought things would get better!" what i've realized is that there are no "magic bullets"; life is what life is, regardless of whether we're smoking or not, and the way our life feels to us at any given moment is a direct result of how we feel towards our life.

i have to say that i was deeply impressed by the way you wrote about alaska and hawaii in zuzu's thread recently; the way you described those places really gave me a sense of the "magic" of them. but here's the thing: the magic is in you, not the place; if not for your words, i'd have no way to feel the magic that you felt there. and that magic is a direct result of how you felt about being in those places: imagine you got food poisoning or something, and so were deathly ill, when you were at denali; would that place hold the magic that it does for you? probably not, because your outlook wouldn't have been tuned in to the magic, it would've been tuned to your sickness.

there's magic where you are right now; there always is. it's your job to find it.
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kevin

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marw



Quit Date:
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Posts: 3634
Location: Chicago, IL

PostPosted: April 1, 2005 2:18 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dear Melody,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply! Smile I am really sorry to hear about hubby's MS. A friend of mine has had that for a number of years. She is doing fine and has always done so, once she got onto the right meds, etc. Apparently, this is a much more common disease than people realize, or else I just know a lot of people with it. Another friend was diagnosed in September, and has had more difficulty finding the correct treatment. He has been also to the Mayo Clinic here in the U.S. and I think he is now getting it stabilized. In his case, however, there were other complications, because he has Diabetes as well. I have a third friend with this also, but I won't go on about it further, because it seems to me that you are getting the right doctor and good helpt!! THat is the important thing!

I'm sure the stress of quitting does cause additional strain on our bodies, but I don't think that is too much the case with me. My hernia was most likely caused my love of garnering--and because I bring my own groceries home, move my own furnture around, if it needs it, etc. I am suffering a great deal of frustration over the idea that I can't do what I'm used to doing! And I think I start to blame it on the Quit! Rolling Eyes when, of course, it is not even related! Rolling Eyes

New interests are definitely a good idea, and knowing me, I'm sure they are on the way. I am a very adventurous type of person, and love to try new things. I am just frustrated because for the first time in my life, I don't feel well physically. I think this is why I am so crabby. NOt the quit, after all! Rolling Eyes

THanks again for you time and concern! Got to go put the laundry in (oh, shoot! just remembered I have to make a zillion trips, because I can't carry the heavy basket!--this is what I mean--I knawing my teeth already, but I go to deal with this--so I'd best settle down! Although, in all frankness, I seem to be just like all my father's side of the family, and we are the worst people on earth at slowing down or being a "patient.")

Anyway, I see now that this is just Life and not the Quit! Wink Smile
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Melody



Quit Date:
August 19, 2004

Posts: 1103
Location: Ontario

PostPosted: April 1, 2005 3:15 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Margaret I can carry the basket but choose to run each article up one by one as it counts as one hour aerobic exercise a day as I lug it down the stairs one piece at a time as well and there are 4 of us here. Some days I feel true happiness when I spot a face cloth from the downstairs washroom or a simple tea towel. See it is easy to make your own fun. Laughing Laughing Laughing Hubby's allergy test went well and he has very few allergies at this time. Tree nuts of course as well as ground nuts now and legumes as well as corn and soya. Large groups I know but nothing to dairy, fruits most veggies grains meats seafood nor fish. All in all it was GREAT. I've been worried sick about it for weeks now.
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marw



Quit Date:
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PostPosted: April 1, 2005 3:17 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, Kevin! What a beautiful thing to say to me! About the magic, I mean. There is such beauty and magic in every place, and each has it's own special essence, spirit, connections with us! I am so much into that sort of thing, but I had never once thought of it as being in me or coming from me. Actually, I think it is in the places themselves, too, and in other people, too, and indeed, in everything in existence--but I had not thought that there is magic in me--this is lovely! And I enjoy very much writing about it, and trying to get others to see it (a visual and experiential thing for them, as much as possbile), just as I like to read the experiences of others.

Chicago, to me, is often an enchanted city. It is so lovely. But I had not thought of bringing this into my dumpy apartment or of starting with the magic in me. I will see what I can do with this idea. Ah, yes, I do believe it is time for a return to the Arts....as in creating them. No more excuses on my part.

I once read a poem by Enid Shomer entitled "First Sunset at Outler's Ranch"--a beautiful poem--that came at a time when I wasat a low point. The thing is that she almost did not publish it because she had been very criticized by her colleages. For me, that would have been a disaster. Her poem absolutely renewed my life. So the point here is that it is vitally importnat to make whatever we have inourselves and what we see, feel, etc. available toothers, because who knows what it might mean to them! It is not up to us to judge, only to do it. (Well, I did not mean to get so philosophical, but your words just rather lit a fire under me! Smile Wink )YOu hit the nail on the head; it is up to me to find it.

Your post also remeinded me of when I was in Mexico Laughing and although I like it, and have even considered retiring there, I was never able to add it to the "Peaceful Places" because of Travelers Disease Rolling Eyes Shocked which I got there! Laughing

And true, also, is that I think I expected the Quit to fix everything in my life! How silly! But, I can see how this might happen, and maybe to other people, too, who smoked a long time--we think we have done such a HUGE thing (which we have)--that it should just make us all 20 years old, make us rich, and ensure happiness everafter! Rolling Eyes Shocked But my difficulties are with Life and not the Quit.

I am so lucky to have found woofmang and you! And everyone else here! I am not only getting answers in this post to what to doabout my Quit, but also how to fix my Life! Now that is cool! Cool Very Happy

Thank you for some terrific insight, Kevin!
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marw



Quit Date:
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Posts: 3634
Location: Chicago, IL

PostPosted: April 1, 2005 3:42 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Melody,

Laughing I'm getting my running shoes on in preparation for doing the laundry! Laughing Does this mean I don't have to go to the gym anymore? Wink I'm only one person, but the dog has got to count for at least 2!! Well, then, with the $50 a month that I will save in Club fees for the gym, I can travel again! Laughing Hmmmm. Maybe I will hold off on dropping the gym just yet--you never know, I might make a come back! But the basement stairs can only be a help! I do know what you mean about joy in a little thing in one's house--got to take another look at those tea towels Very Happy--as I do, too, except when I start one of these pity binges, which I think I am certainly over now.

I'm so glad about your hubby's Allergy Tests! I have allergies, also, and can sympathize ever so much with that!

More later on"household" magic! Laughing

Love,
Margaret
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Melody



Quit Date:
August 19, 2004

Posts: 1103
Location: Ontario

PostPosted: April 1, 2005 5:36 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I taught self defense classes for years and have worked out of many gyms. More than half the people at the GYM just annoy me as they are not there to work out but rather to look cute. I prefer to do my workouts at home or doing favors. Twice a week I clean brothers house at a run might I add as I have only 2 hours each time and he has 4 messy kids. That burns calories galore. I do his shopping again at a good clip as I allow an hour for that plus 30 minutes to handle his bills and banking. 1 hour a week is sewing kids clothes again quickly once again short on time. I have one day a month is mall day and I head out with a list longer than my arm and do the hooligans clothes and gifts shopping that usually takes the day and when I'm done I've burned major calories. All this double up because I'm now also raising my grandson. I do not need to pay some one to work me out I can do that for myself. It is fun by the way. I actually retired early a few years ago when I hit 40 and I've never been busier my family just finds ways to occupy my time. Wink I love every minute of it by the way. I have delegated the nieces party this weekend as I've booked McDonalds just to much going on with hubby right now to be running a b-day party on my own with a dozen screaming kids.
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londa



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July 28, 2004

Posts: 2469
Location: new york, USA

PostPosted: April 1, 2005 6:32 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Melody, you motivate us all with your positive energy! Whenever I read your posts, I just want to get down and do 20 pushups! Run around the block, do jumping rope. You get me all excited about exercising!

Your a great inspiration!

Margaret, you too have a postitive attitude. You may get down but you bounce back fast! You have many talents and truly enjoy life!

May God Bless you both!

Love, Londa
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kannprint



Quit Date:
April 10, 2004

Posts: 4988
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PostPosted: April 1, 2005 6:55 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm with Londa, Melody, but it's now time to prepare dinner and hubby does get hungry. I'll exercise later.

Margaret, you know that smoking wouldn't help anything. You've had lots of health problems lately with little or no solution. The new surgeon you saw last Wednesday sounds like one person who is going to "take the bull by the horns" and get you the help you need. Have you made an appointment with the doc he recommended?

You're only about 12 days from your one-year lunaversary. We've always talked of sitting together at the big table. I want you to be there feeling much, much better.

The financial problem is another entire situation. We all know that smoking certainly wouldn't help that either. Prices continue to sky-rocket and cigarette taxes continue to rise too.

You're going through a period of depression. Perhaps with the spring sunshine, you'll be able to ditch the "down" attitude and feel better. I send you my love and prayers. Take care, my friend.
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marw



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PostPosted: April 2, 2005 12:57 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks again, Melody, and thanks to Londa and Jo, also.

Melody, can I come and live near you and be your sister, and have the same priviledges as your brother? Laughing Laughing You clean the house, do the laundry, AND pay the bills? What more could a person ask for? Laughing
My gym is the YMCA, so I haven't seen the "cute" people there, but I know what you mean. Mostly I just see huge muscles and lots of testosterone (no offence, guys) and sweat. But maybe that IS cute these days? Even the girls sweat! And I agree with Londa, you sure are inspiring with all your energy! Cool

Londa, thanks for saying that I bounce well! Laughing Laughing Actually I do, and with this new belly, I can probably manage it physically, too!! Laughing But I know you meant a compliment, and indeed, I was very flattered. I only hope I live up to that. (the emotional bounce, not the physical one Laughing )

Jo, yes, we in my family tend to get down when we aren't up to par. But I believe it will pass. With good friends like you, how could it be otherwise?!
And I most definitely will be sitting right next to you at that BIG TABLE in 11 days!! Man, I feel like hiring one of those planes that trail signs behind them saying: "I AM ONE YEAR QUIT SMOKING!" If it was summer, I swear I'd look into it. Those planes are always flying over Lake Michigan saying something! (As an aside, I have to say that one flew over the beach in Florida one time, saying: "Will you marry me, Margaret?" I jumped and yelled "Yes, Yes!!" and waved my arms madly. Everyone congratulated me. I never did see anyone else stand up, and I have always wondered what happened to that poor guy. Did his own"Margaret" accept? Laughing This is a true story, honest!)

Well, now that I'm so cheery, I think I'll take the dog out.

Love to everyone!!!
margaret
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mary1946



Quit Date:
April 4, 2005

Posts: 23
Location: Tn.

PostPosted: April 2, 2005 4:21 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Margaret,

I don't know any thing about your health. I'm too new here I guess. But, honey if you were smoking now, things might be much worse for you. That's what I fear. Getting sicker. I know I can not un do a lot of damage I did to myself by smoking. But am afraid it will be much worse if I don't quit. Monday is our quit day. And I am going to quit . I have too. Like I said. I am not young any more and just hate to think how bad it can get. I , like you would hate to think I will get worse not better. Be sure to stay under your doctors orders. Good luck to you and may God bless you. If you want to e-mail me that would be great. Take care

maryroe
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Cowgirl UP!



Quit Date:
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Posts: 5029
Location: Ala

PostPosted: April 3, 2005 12:27 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Marw, sounds like you have been spreading your magic again...you got Melody to slow down long enough to make a post Laughing Laughing just kidding you Mel...you know I admire you greatly.....

Marw, you have had your share of ill health but don't let it get you down anymore....you know you are to worthy a person to have a pity party.....not your style...I see you as a hostess so have some friends over to share silly stories...don't forget the wine..
Kay
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