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Jill-dec1



Quit Date:
December 1, 2003

Posts: 101
Location: San Diego

PostPosted: May 30, 2005 1:16 AM    Post subject: Feeling negative Reply with quote

Don’t know what on earth is going on with me but lately I have been thinking about cigarettes and smoking. June 1 will be a year and a half of pure hell. I’m proud of myself for not smoking, especially with everything all the sadness and loss.
I don’t post very often but come and read all the time and have found Woofmang very helpful thanks Kevin for making it possible and all of you who share. I feel as though I know all of you from reading your posts.

Lately I have been having unbelievable anxiety and stress. The same I was feeling after my husband died. The doctor gave me Xanax on the 11th and I feel no relief. I hate taking medication but the anxiety is so bad I feel like I’m hyperventilating, I can’t breath, can’t sleep. I feel like my heart is pounding out of my chest. When I take my pulse, it’s normal. It’s actually lower than when I smoked.

Mary (my 13 year old daughter) and I came home last week and found my husbands younger brother in the house watching tv. He had just walked into my house did his laundry, ate our food and made him self at home. Needless to say he is homeless. The family just ignores his problem but I think he may be schizophrenic. Larry would not allow his brother to stay over when he was alive. So I finally told him he was not to come to my home unannounced or uninvited. That he was welcome to come over but I needed to be home and call first!!! It’s so hard not to step in and try and help. But the truth is I have more than I can handle at the present and I just don’t need a grown adult to care for.

My business is not at its best. It worries me about what will happen in the future. I’m very unhappy with the current leadership, losses and feel some no good is going on. All the stress is taking its toll. I feel so negative and can’t seem to change this thinking pattern. It seems that I keep losing the people, and things that I love and have been so much a part of my past. Forgive me for saying but that includes those damn cigs. I have just had this horrible feeling of doom. I’m really down on myself. Maybe I’m just looking for an excuse to smoke. After the first few months of quitting, my would crumbled. The loss wasn’t the cig it was the loss of my best friend and love. It was 22 years of my life, plans, the future my family as I knew it. What we had worked so hard to build just ended in a matter minutes. Perhaps we should have a pity party. This all sounds so pathetic. It is also the reason I don’t post very often. I seem so negative. Smoking is not an option. I will not give in. Above all I do not ever want to go through hell week again. I just need to take my head out of the sand. Remind myself that people who never smoked go through hard times and make it without smoking and so will I.

Jill
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Tammy



Quit Date:
February 16, 2004

Posts: 2565
Location: Florida

PostPosted: May 30, 2005 2:19 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jill, I am so sorry for you loss. Grief can be unbearable at times. I wish I could just give you a great big hug. (((((HUG)))))

I do not have to tell you however that smoking will not change on thing. Nor will it make anything any better. I think you know that. You said maybe you were looking for an excuse to smoke. I hope not. You have a 13 year old that needs a healthy mom to be around for her for many years to come. That is a good excuse not to smoke. No you do not want to go through hell week again. The thought of that alone causes me to shake in my boots.

I am praying that you will find some peace in your life and let go of all of the cares and burdens that you are carring. God bless you Jill please come and post often maybe chatting here on the boards will help.
_________________

Tammy
Free and loving it!
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Barbara K.



Quit Date:
December 23, 2004

Posts: 5977

PostPosted: May 30, 2005 3:03 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy Jill,

I can totally relate because I lost my mom the day before I was quit for a month. I have my nights and days messed up since then. I also have the feeling like my heart is pounding and the feeling of doom. Perhaps you can talk to your doctor again and maybe another anti-anxiety medicine would do better. Believe me though, we cannot smoke because it would only make matters worse. I think you know that anyway. Do you think grief counseling would help? Perhaps a support group in 3-D life with people going through the same thing? It is hard to lose some one so close to you. I truely understand the grief part and I've had some other major issues to deal with also. Here is a big hug for you.

{{{{{{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}}}

I wish I knew how to give you a hug in a graphic but not yet. I truely hope that you will feel better soon.

Blessings,
_________________

Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.

Blessings,
Barbara K.
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
-

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: May 30, 2005 9:21 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

no, jill, it doesn't sound pathetic; it sounds pretty normal to me for someone who's been through what you've been through and is facing what you're facing.

in my experience, anxiety and stress are most often caused by non-acceptance; when i dwell on past losses, it causes stress. when i don't accept what's happening in my life in this moment, it causes stress. when i worry about the future, it causes anxiety.

when this happens, i try to be totally aware of everything that's going on all around me in this moment; the sights, the sounds, the smells, everything. then, i try to find the thing that's happening right this moment that's causing me anxiety or stress, and, usually, i realize that what's causing the anxiety or stress is not something that's happening right now (that i can change); it's either something that's already happened (that i can't change) or something that i think might happen (but i don't know for sure it will).

the next time you're feeling stressed or anxious, you might want to try this; it takes practice, but i find it really helps.
_________________

keep choosing life!

kevin

the zen of the quit
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londa



Quit Date:
July 28, 2004

Posts: 2469
Location: new york, USA

PostPosted: May 30, 2005 11:31 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jill, Kevin has given you some sound advice. If I were there by your side I would hold you and listen. So picture all of us around you, reaching out to hug you and help you through your day. Feel the Lords comfort. Have you tried counseling? I suffer from anxiety disorder, have had for many years. I had a counselor say to me: "Okay, Londa, you have anxiety, now how are you going to deal with it" It has taken a while, but I have learned. When I can't get my breath, I deep breath. Sometimes I have to call a friend and just be reassured. Its okay. Anxiety is not fun. But it can be delt with. Kevin had some very wise words. (He always seems to know what to say) But keep in touch with someone to help you get through this rough time in your life. Do you go to church? How about someone from church. Any anxiety groups you can go to? It is so easy for us to give you advice, but honey we care. And we see that you are hurting.

I am praying for you!

Love, Londa
_________________

My name is Londa. I am 57 and I act like I'm 20. I love to laugh and smile. The more the better. Being kind to someone is the best thing you can do.
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ms_tapestry



Quit Date:
October 21, 2009

Posts: 2574
Location: Seminole, TX

PostPosted: May 30, 2005 11:41 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jill, after reading your post the first thought that comes to mind is how fortunate you are to have had such a wonderful marriage to such a wonderful man. I know you must miss him horribly. I am in the process of ending my marriage of 26 years and I have never once been able to call him my friend. I wish I had all the answers for you, but I don't. I don't know why bad things happen to good people, but I do have faith. Faith that God is in control and that things will work out the way they are intended to work out. Take long walks if you can. They have helped pull me through so many rough times and keep my sanity. Deep breathing also helps relieve stress and may help relieve the anxiety attacks. Eliminate caffeine from your diet and you may want to look into your sugar intake. I hope this helps in some small way. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.
_________________

Tonya

You must do the very thing you think you cannot do.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
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swaneem



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 1298
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: May 30, 2005 12:25 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jill,

The loss of a loved one is the most difficult thing we have to deal with in life......your loss is a recent one. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself the grieving process and if you haven't already....join a support group. My heart goes out to you.

To expand on what Kevin has said....we can't do anything about the past or future which will usually set off anxiety, panic, or worry....but we can do something right this moment. What I try to do to stay in the moment is take one thing and concentrate ONLY on that one thing. For me it could be the hummingbird at my feeder..... I watch this magnificent little bird flap it's wings at an incredible rate of speed and hear the "whirrr" of them....I see the beautiful neon colors that adorn this teeny bird and all I can feel at this moment is awe. It has snapped me into the present and I momentarily forgot my anxiety and panic. You'll find peace and power in this moment.

You're a very strong woman to have maintained your "quit" through all of this. You must be an inspiration for everyone around you.

Again, be gentle on yourself. Peace and blessings to you.

Donna
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michelleanne



Quit Date:
January 1, 2005

Posts: 279
Location: germany

PostPosted: May 30, 2005 12:30 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

i just want to give you a big hug to.michelle.
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Pamela



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3542
Location: Gardiner, NY

PostPosted: May 30, 2005 12:51 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jill, I'm just glad that Kevin has created this place where we can all come and let ourselves go when we start to feel the urge to smoke. Remember, always come here before ou give in to smoking...and you'll probably never pick up a cigarette ever again.
_________________

FIVE + years of freedom and loving it!
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Jill-dec1



Quit Date:
December 1, 2003

Posts: 101
Location: San Diego

PostPosted: May 30, 2005 5:41 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tammy you’re absolutely right smoking will not change a thing and will only make matters worse. Mary is a wonderful 13 year old who was the driving force to my quit in the beginning. Whenever we would go to the garage to smoke she would follow us like a shadow. It always bothered me that we were the role model and this was the example we were setting.

Barb I’m sorry about the loss of your mother. I also lost my mother after battling colon cancer. I’m afraid I didn’t deal well with her death so after Larry died I did some counseling for the first six month. I know that time does heal. Thanks for the HUG.

Kevin I believe your right on. The death of my mother, husband and Mother-in-law has been over whelming and very hard for me to accept. But knowing they are in a better place has given me comfort. I truly thought I had come to terms. My life has changed as I have over the last year and half but I still am dwelling on my loss. (Stress) At the present I know my business is hurting the numbers are looking bad and I can’t say for sure what will happen. I’m worried about the future. (Anxiety) Thanks for the tools. In the future I hope I can identify what’s going on before it gets the best of me.

Londa thanks for the kind words and prayers. I wouldn’t wish this anxiety on anyone. It’s very scary. I’m sorry you suffer from it. Thanks for caring.

Tonya I read that the three most stressful times in our lives our death, divorce and career change. I’m sorry for you divorce. 26 years is a long time. I have often told myself that God doesn’t deal us more that we can handle. I have asked him many times lately why he is testing me. I guess he is just building our character.

Donna,
How funny that you should mention hummingbirds. I was looking out the window this morning while watering and a beautiful hummingbird was hovering over the sprinkler. My daughter and I sat at the table and we watched for the longest time. It certainly took my mind off the past and put me in the present. Today seems to be much better.

Michelle,
Thanks I need a big hug today.

Pam,
Yesterday if someone had been around me that smoked I think I would have been very tempted. I have been peeking in a lot lately. Smoking is just not an option.

Thanks all of you. Today seems to be much better.

Jill
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kannprint



Quit Date:
April 10, 2004

Posts: 4988
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: May 30, 2005 8:07 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dear Jill,

I just read your post and was very moved. You've had more sadness in your recent past thay anyone should have to endure. You know we're all here to lend a hand and a heart when needed. Kevin, as always, was right on with his post to you. Please read and re-read all the responses and know that, though we don't know each other in 3-D life, you're loved by all on these boards.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. God's love is a healing love. Just know you're being held in His hands.
_________________

LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH.
Jo
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marw



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3634
Location: Chicago, IL

PostPosted: June 1, 2005 12:01 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jill, I am so sorry that these things have happened to you. I want you to know that I have also tremendous anxiety (although maybe without the good reasons that you do) and I understand it perfectly! You described it perfectly, too, and it is horrendous to deal with. I have tried Xanax myself, but it made me more anxious. I have also tried other drugs but haven't found anything to work well, yet. I like Kevin's advice, and will try it, too. Smoking will not help us, but I think we feel so desperate sometimes that we wonder about it, but I remember from before that it actually made anxiety worse!

I hope so very much that you will come here often and post. This board helps me very much, not just with the not smoking, but it gives me a connection sometimes when I start to feel isolated. We are family here. So when I can't seem to find myself or anyone close to me--I live far from what is left of my family--I come here, and feel close to those in our wonderful family here. I, too, have suffered losses. It sometimes seems to me (at 66 now) that my friends have mostly passed away and my family, too. Then I have to try to get busy and not think of this. Although then I wonder if I SHOULD think of it, and that would make it better? I'm not sure of anything, except that we really would make everything worse by smoking.

I will look for your posts. If you find something that helps the anxiety, I hope that you will post it. Oh, and I don't think you are negative at all. Far from it. You are doing a wonderful job of your life in the most trying of circumstances. Also, I'm glad you do not take your brother-in-law in, because it is wise to set limits, especially now.

THank you for posting this. I hope I see you here again. YOu sound like a wondeful person and I hope I get to know you.

Many hugs,
_________________

Margaret
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Cowgirl UP!



Quit Date:
July 26, 2004

Posts: 5029
Location: Ala

PostPosted: June 1, 2005 12:38 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jill,
First of all, let me thank you for posting this message....I have learned a great deal from it. I am sorry for your loss and your saddness, I am proud of your strength and character. So many on these boards amaze me with their strenght and ability to handle things on their own. Not like me, I spill my guts to whoever will listen or read it but others seem to be able to walk in the dark alone.

Don't be afraid to reach out for some comfort...sometimes it just helps to hear someone say Good Job! Sometimes, just hearing what others are mastering in their own lives seems to help.

I hope this finds you feeling much better and your spirits lifted.
Kay
_________________

All with a little help from my friends, COWGIRL UP
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Fightn4life



Quit Date:
October 23, 2003

Posts: 1573
Location: Loysburg, PA

PostPosted: June 1, 2005 1:23 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jill, I am so sorry for all that you have and are going through. I can relate to wanting to connect with the past and feelings of doom.

Take one day at a time and always remind yourself that smoking will not alter anything going on, or fix anything from the past. I too have let the thought of smoking cross my mind then realize the junkie will never leave. Smoking again would not help me overcome any feelings I have about loss.

Time does help. Sounds futile but a handing your stress and problems over to Our Lord brings me more comfort than anything. Please know my prayers are with you.



Sandyz
free for 586 days!
_________________

"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."

~Anonymous
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Jill-dec1



Quit Date:
December 1, 2003

Posts: 101
Location: San Diego

PostPosted: June 1, 2005 4:20 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jo,

Your post is very comforting and I’m feeling so much support from all of you.
Thanks for your thoughts.

Margaret,

I am amazed that so many people suffer from anxiety. I had never experienced it until recently. Kevin’s suggestion of identifying what’s causing the symptoms has helped me. Now I just need to fix what I can. I know that I have been walking daily and exercising for months and was so surprised by the sudden anxiety attacks. Today as I type to you I am 1 ½ years smoke free. Yesterday I was ready to give up. But your absolutely right smoking would make everything worse. I see that you have over a year of quitting congrats. Thanks for your support.

Kay,

Thanks I am feeling much better today. It amazes me that you see strength. I am an open book, looking everywhere and from everyone for answers. You are such a supportive person on this site. I enjoy reading your post you have such a way of writing your stories. I’m glad to see you’re riding Old Gus. By the way Mary won her first 1ST place ribbon for the obstacle course last month on Laredo. Thanks for your support.


Sandyz,

Thanks I find comfort from your prayers and smoking is just not an option. Thanks for your support.

Thanks all of you

Jill
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