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I want to scream!!!!!
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ggarrison19



Quit Date:
October 12, 2004

Posts: 42
Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota

PostPosted: October 2, 2005 6:13 PM    Post subject: I want to scream!!!!! Reply with quote

Along this path I have watched a number of people fall off. Some got back on. I don't know of any in my original group that stayed on. There was one. Jeanne. Quite the chearleader. On FFS she blew away the stats for the most posts. Always upbeat. Always dragging people along.

Jeanne had 10+ months in. Now she is off the path and not sure she will come back on.

I don't fault Jeanne. She is tough. She is funny. She is a realist. But now she is back to being a smoker.

I HATE THIS ADDICTION SO BAD!!!! Don't claim these people that do not want to be a part of you!

I am nearing a year free. Free? No. I am not free. I work each and every day to stay out of the grips. I am not yet free. The claws continue to chase me. But I will continue to kick them away. I will not come within their grip. I am no way going to smoke today.

Each today I will say this. There will be no tomorrow where cigarettes will claim me as a victim again.

Amen
Gary
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SMOKING IS NOT AN OPTION
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Seabrez



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 4458
Location: Gulf Coast

PostPosted: October 2, 2005 6:37 PM    Post subject: Re: I want to scream!!!!! Reply with quote

ggarrison19 wrote:
Don't claim these people that do not want to be a part of you!


Gary,

I understand and hear your frustration with the addiction. But, please understand...yes, it's a demon, it's bondage, and it's damning, yet, people have the right to choose their own path. No matter how much we like them and are wanting the best for them...it all boils down to "their" choice. It's a personal journey...no one else can walk the journey for us or make the decisions for us...that is up to each of us individually. We help, support, encourage, and speak the truth...but bottom line..it's their life and their will.

And the statement about being "free"...well, think about this...if you are being chased...as long as the predator (the addiction) hasn't caught the prey (the quitter)...then the prey is still free. Freedom is not being enslaved and controlled by the opposser or master.

Yes, we struggle...yes, we fight tooth and nail sometimes to maintain...but we fight for freedom from the clutches of the nicotine demon...the bondage and the satification that yes...today, I didn't give in to the DEMAND of the bondage. That's the difference....bondage is a taskmaster, always demanding of you to feed the fix...controlling what you do and when you do it. Even though fighting for freedom...you are free...because freedom in it's very nature gives us the choice to choose for ourselves. Bondage doesn't...it demands. So, Gary, even with the clawing and running and fighting...yes, you are still FREE!!! Wink

Keep your chin up and know that you have choosen to stay quit...you choose this for you...not others. And yes, you along your journey...as you struggle within yourself...you, too, touch others along the way. Not for them, but just by being here and free!!!!

Gary,...a year of quit! Struggles and all...you've faced down the demon and have RESISTED it and OVERCOME it ...all by choosing life!

I admire that and your honest post...because yes, we do struggle with it!!!

Keep the quit!!!

Love and Big Hugs (((((((Gary))))))
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Living in Freedom
Deb

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 2 Corn 5:17 NASB
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
-

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: October 2, 2005 7:04 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

i know just how you feel, gary; it's tough to develop a friendship with a fellow quitter and then watch them go back to the voluntary slavery from which we freed ourselves. but i've learned not to take it personally; the only quit i'm responsible for in the end is my own. i'll do everything i can to help someone else stay free, but if they choose to relapse (and it's always a choice), there's nothing i can do to get them free again; they have to make that choice themselves, too.

as to being free, remember that freedom is not a destination:

http://www.woofmang.com/tales/freedom_is_the_journey.shtml

keep it going!
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keep choosing life!

kevin

the zen of the quit
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Kerry



Quit Date:
May 4, 2004

Posts: 862
Location: Illinois

PostPosted: October 2, 2005 7:25 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm with ya Gary. I haven't felt really free either although I have realized along the way just how fortunate I am. Last Friday (the 23rd), I was at a party and it was so hot. I went outside to get air and of course I was with the smokers. My emotions were mixed. I was grateful to be off smokes yet jealous in some way that I couldn't (or wouldn't) join them. Yet it did feel good to go back to the party once I cooled off. I didn't need to stay outside to get more nic.

This past Friday (the 30th), I had an experience that seemed quite surreal. A friend of mine asked me if I would go to a weight loss seminar with her. It was on weight loss through hypnosis. I told her I'd go. But what we didn't know was that it was on smoking cessation as well. The room was packed and my gut told me that most of the people were there to get off cigarettes, not to lose weight. Slowly but surely as people started to cough, I knew that my instincts were correct. The first half hour was on weight, the second on smoking. When he told the smokers to leave and come back in thirty minutes, about 85% of the room got up. So I was right. At that moment I was grateful that I was not going thru that struggle - the toughest part of the struggle. The early days, from the thought of 'I really want to quit, I have to quit' to the first three months of quitting. But did I feel free? No I didn't. I really still don't know what to do with myself half the time. I still feel like I'm breaking this 27 year habit.

I just got invited to an Octoberfest on the 15th and while I'm excited to be going and to be spending an evening with friends, these types of things just don't hold the same meaning anymore. Not that that's a bad thing, it's just a thing that I need to get used to. I need to get used to looking at the "party" differently, the "vacation" differently, "fun" differently. Yes in many ways I suppose that I'm finally free but not the way that I was before age 15. Back then I was free because I was ignorant, I didn't know what addiction was. Now I do and it makes me angry. But just as I can't go back to being 14, I also don't want to go back to being that smoker. I don't want to go back because I can't go through this quit again. Maybe that's the wrong reason to be glad that "I'm free" but for now it's all that I have. Who knows? Maybe next year or the year after that I will finally be rid of this feeling and truly experience a true taste of freedom, but the one thing I know for sure is this - if I go back to smoking now, I'll never experience this potential freedom, will I? Hang in there Gary and I promise that I will do the same. Kerry
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ggarrison19



Quit Date:
October 12, 2004

Posts: 42
Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota

PostPosted: October 2, 2005 7:44 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am so sad for Jeanne I cannot even explain it.
My quit is solid. I will not slide. But to see one of the pillars slide is so sad.
I want to scream!!! I want to go into my yard and tell peaple that they need to understand this. It is such an evil addiction. It will grab them. It will grab their chilcren. It will grab their friends. It must END!!!!!
It is hard. I am sorry. I am tired of the fight. It has to end.
Gary
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Seabrez



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 4458
Location: Gulf Coast

PostPosted: October 2, 2005 7:52 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

ggarrison19 wrote:
It is hard. I am sorry. I am tired of the fight. It has to end.


Gary,

Quit Bud!!!! God, I know it hurts...and it is sooo tiring to see it over and over again. I've been one, myself...over and over again. Fighting and learning, and overcoming, and wondering, and all the stuff that goes with the quit. It is hard!!

You have battle fatigue! You've been in the trenches too long helping others. And frankly, it's wore you out and beating on you. Stop right now! Take a break from helping for just a bit....

Bud,...it's time you concentrate on just YOU!!!! No one else...just you and your quit. I know you say it's solid...and I have no doubt it is...but even soliders get a break from the frontline in real life. We can't day end and day out take on the fights for others without feeling the effects ourselves! It wears on us physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

It's time....time for some much needed R&R...rest and relaxation!!! Take a 3 day pass to the nearest favorite spot you enjoy!

Hugs
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Living in Freedom
Deb

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 2 Corn 5:17 NASB
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Deb



Quit Date:
February 5, 2010

Posts: 967
Location: North Carolina (Originally New York)

PostPosted: October 2, 2005 8:10 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gary,

I've been through the mill also but, have no one to blame but myself. I'm sure you remember me as you helped me out alot over at FFS a while back. Well, needless to say i too relapsed and only have myself to blame. I have been quit for 5 weeks now and I have to take full responsibility for my actions.

Yes, we can be there and help other folks through out the good and the bad but, cannot beat up on ourselves when others relapse for it is their choice and theirs alone. All we can do is talk to them and be there when they are reaching out for help. The bottom line though is their choice.......So please don't beat yourself up because you are doing so awesome with your quit and to let others bring you down is not fair. You've accomplished a trying task and the help you've provided for others has been amazing. Don't be hard on yourself and treat yourself to a big fat vacation from the ups and downs of other peoples quits.

Hang in there Gary......cause you are so worth it!

Deb
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ms_tapestry



Quit Date:
October 21, 2009

Posts: 2574
Location: Seminole, TX

PostPosted: October 2, 2005 8:23 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mr. Gary, bless your heart. I feel your pain. I have two co-workers who Quit and have relapsed. I have a dear friend who has Quit more than once and he has relapsed. I hear him wheeze and struggle to breathe and hear him promise himself he will Quit soon and it breaks my heart because I know how difficult it is to Quit and how much damage he is doing to his health. I can honestly say that at 15 plus months it is not the struggle it once was to stay Quit. There are times of extreme stress or extreme sadness when the thought of smoking enters my head, but once I acknowledge the crave it leaves again. It certainly isn't a daily or even weekly struggle. I believe the key to this is that I don't romanticize the smoke, or think about how much I enjoyed or miss smoking because I think you can talk yourself into just about anything. I am what I tell myself I am, and I tell myself I am a non-smoker. I worried and fretted about making my one year Quit because I noticed so many seemed to reach that goal and then relapse. I wonder if they built it up so much in their minds that when they reached the one year mark they lost their resolve? I don't know, but I do know there are many that helped me that are no longer Quit. I think about them and say a prayer for them and hope they find their way back to us. Hang in there, Mr. Gary and hold on to your own precious Quit. I'll say a prayer for you too. Cool

btw: Step outside, throw you head back, and just go right ahead and scream to your heart's content. I find it's an excellent stress reliever. You may want to warn the neighbors first so they won't call the police. Shocked
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Tonya

You must do the very thing you think you cannot do.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
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marw



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3634
Location: Chicago, IL

PostPosted: October 3, 2005 12:03 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Gary,

It's great to see you again. I wondered where you had gotten off to.
I'm sorry to hear that Jeanne relapsed but I know you did everything you could. I agree with Kevin, Deb, and Tonya. We can't save them, no matter how much we want to--only they can do that for themselves.

Say, I didn't realize we share a quit date--partly anyway. I quit on the 12th also, only on April 12. So I will be my 1 and one half mark when you hit the year. Believe me you are gonna like that year bench mark! I found that after was easier, but that it was very hard just before it. Kinda like cresting the top of a hill. But that was me and everyone is different, as we know.

A sign of how tough the Addiction must be, is that I always thought when I quit and had finished telling everyone, that woud be the end of it--no one would ask again. Not so. Everytime I go to the doc, for example, he always asks: Still quit? It annoys the hell out of me, but I figure they are used to hearing that people relapse.

On the plus side, there are sooooo many who don't. I'm happy to say that my 3-d friends have all kept their quits, and my family, too.

I certainly agree!! It is an evil addiciton!! And so very sad....but we have to let go.

Hope you will not be a stranger here. We've missed you!
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Margaret
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mtwilsonranch



Quit Date:
January 20, 2006

Posts: 1863
Location: nevada

PostPosted: October 3, 2005 12:15 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Gary,
I do not know if your remember me, but I was on the FFS site in Nov 14th with you........You helped so many with encouragment and understanding....

I understand the pain you feel when you see your friend fall back to addiction....But all we can do is be there for them when they are ready to get back up.., and be the example for them to see....

There is so much pain and anger when we see a loved one choose destruction, but turn that pain into wisdom and the anger into resolve and keep holding out your hand for those who want a hand up...

This journey of freedom is one of learning and wonder......

Pam
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Right Now, this minute, this hour, this day, I choose not to feed my addiction....
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Cowgirl UP!



Quit Date:
July 26, 2004

Posts: 5029
Location: Ala

PostPosted: October 3, 2005 12:22 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think they have said it all but wanted you to know Iam proud of you for caring about others and holding on at the same time. I wish you inner peace.
Kay
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All with a little help from my friends, COWGIRL UP
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Zuzu



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 962
Location: Marin

PostPosted: October 3, 2005 1:10 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Even in her relapse she remains a mentor - she tried again. If I should fall, she's shown me I can pick myself back up again. Good lesson to learn too.

-Zuzu


Last edited by Zuzu on December 27, 2005 11:37 PM; edited 1 time in total
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Barbara K.



Quit Date:
December 23, 2004

Posts: 5977

PostPosted: October 3, 2005 2:14 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

It is frustrating.

Blessings,
_________________

Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.

Blessings,
Barbara K.
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ggarrison19



Quit Date:
October 12, 2004

Posts: 42
Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota

PostPosted: October 3, 2005 2:37 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Zuzu -

Of course you are right. The attempt and success shown during the attempt should be celebrated. What makes me sad is knowing the pain she is currently experiencing and knowing what an effort is ahead of her should she decide to get back on the path.

I do not express these thoughts to her. That is why I am ranting here. To her I offer support and encouragement. I just needed to vent the fact I was and still am saddened by what has happened. It also saddens me when my children stumble. I cannot help that. But you are correct. Watching them try and often succeed is a cause for celebration.

Gary
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Zuzu



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 962
Location: Marin

PostPosted: October 3, 2005 3:12 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

She will do well because you are part of her support network, because of your empathy and because of your example. She is lucky to have you.

-Zuzu


Last edited by Zuzu on December 27, 2005 11:36 PM; edited 1 time in total
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