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DISHEARTENED
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Kerry



Quit Date:
May 4, 2004

Posts: 862
Location: Illinois

PostPosted: January 13, 2006 1:27 AM    Post subject: DISHEARTENED Reply with quote

Every year for the last two years I've been in this group that meets throught lent. The first year, I smoke and would periodically take breaks. The second year, I was almost a year quit so I was fine when the meetings went a little long. Tonight, year three, we had a planning meeting. There a few smokers in the group. Funny thing is, I didn't know that two out out of the three smoked. From time to time they took smoke breaks tonight and you know what? I was jealous. Can you believe it? I wasn't thankful or thrilled not to be them - I was actually jealous. Tonight was an unseasonably warm night in Chicago, about 50 degrees which is quite balmy for a midwest January. I didn't even wear a coat tonight and by the 12th of January everyone in our neck of the woods is usually shivering - and all I could think was how awesome it would be to hang out side savoring that cigarette...being a part of the indoor as well as the outdoor conversation. I-WAS-JEALOUS. I can't believe it. Damn.
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
-

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: January 13, 2006 1:40 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

maybe what you were jealous of was the comeraderie, not the smoking. maybe you could've gone out with them and enjoyed the balmy night and the companionship; you wouldn't have had to light up...
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keep choosing life!

kevin

the zen of the quit
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Mary Dude



Quit Date:
June 15, 2004

Posts: 4803
Location: Pittsburgh, PA

PostPosted: January 13, 2006 1:47 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I too was very tempted today. As I walked into the office - I learned that one of the guys that worked for me for over 6 years before I changed jobs passed away in his sleep. He was only 49 years old. I was so shocked...I jumped in and tried to help get the word out to other co-workers and be supportive etc...but I took a break and went out to the smoking area - he was a smoker - and I realized that I went out there for 'comfort'. It wasn't a conscious decision on my part to go there... I just followed my instincts and I wasn't thinking about smoking until I got there....but that gang won't let me backslide so I was fine but I later thought about it...All those years of handling every sort of problem with a cigarette is a deep seated automatic response... I think it'll be a long time before it goes away for ever....
I'm still upset and I dread the funeral - but life goes on....
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Mary D.
Smoke-free one day at a time!
Worry doesn't help tomorrow's troubles, but it does ruin today's happiness!
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Deb



Quit Date:
February 5, 2010

Posts: 967
Location: North Carolina (Originally New York)

PostPosted: January 13, 2006 8:49 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kerry,

The important thing is that you didn't smoke. You are doing a great job, I don't think you were jealous just human. This addiction is serious and, this is why we have to be on guard at all times. Wether it be a couple of months or a couple of years the Scowling Demon will try and suck us back in.

If anything, I think the smokers may of been jealous of you! Wink


WTG!

Deb
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Melody



Quit Date:
August 19, 2004

Posts: 1103
Location: Ontario

PostPosted: January 13, 2006 9:45 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think Kevin is right you wanted to be outside and should have gone. IMO You can still talk to smokers they are much the same as the rest of us. Wink Most of my crowd are smokers so I ran into that right at the beginning and am long past associating them with my NEEDS or in this case "NEEDS NOT" When a child first starts to school they spend the first year being socialized into a society that isn't always just about them. You need to be re-socialized and I know you can do it. Say hi to the little guy with the brown hat Laughing Demon but don't choose him as your best friend. Maybe the one puffing on him is nice toooo. Wink


I had used "SUCKING" instead of "PUFFING" when I first wrote this but thought Tom, and Kay would have had a field day with that. Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Last edited by Melody on January 13, 2006 12:01 PM; edited 1 time in total
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alleghany



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 2049

PostPosted: January 13, 2006 9:53 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Glad you didn't smoke.

I was around some smokers yesterday. In fact, I went outside and hung out with them. Then, that horrid smell followed them....nasty.

I love Melody's "resocialization" theory! Cool! Cool
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Quit date: June 6, 2004
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kannprint



Quit Date:
April 10, 2004

Posts: 4988
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: January 13, 2006 10:41 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I, too, agree with Kevin. Those were my thoughts as I was reading your post. It wasn't the draw of the cigarettes but rather the feeling of being left out of the "group." No matter what the cause of those feelings, you remained strong and are to be congratulated for your strength.
Keep hanging in there. It's sure worth it, as you know by now.
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Jo
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iwantosing



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 338
Location: Pennsylvania

PostPosted: January 13, 2006 11:09 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I still go on all smoke breaks(that i can) I enjoy the conversations. Very Happy peg
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My name is Peg, I decided I wanted to sing to the Lord, run with my son, laugh and learn to whistle, the cigs had to go!! Quit Date 3/28/05
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Cowgirl UP!



Quit Date:
July 26, 2004

Posts: 5029
Location: Ala

PostPosted: January 13, 2006 6:38 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kerry, don't let it get to you...jealous or not you made it and I am proud of you.....but think about it, do you really want to go back to the chains?


Yehaaaaaaaaa Melody.....I am still laughing........
Kay
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All with a little help from my friends, COWGIRL UP
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Kerry



Quit Date:
May 4, 2004

Posts: 862
Location: Illinois

PostPosted: January 13, 2006 9:47 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I actually thought about what a lot of you had said, the only thing is, there were plenty of buddies inside to talk to. And in the past when I went outside, I was never jealous of not being part of the inside conversation. I just find the whole thing amazing - that after 20 months of no cigarettes, that cigarettes are still a part of my life in an indirect way. I'm either a smoker or a non-smoker trying not to think about smoking. The good news is, is that this doesn't happen all of the time. I went to a few parties this past holiday season and was fine. I guess it's just all a part of the process and is going to take time. Thanks all.
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marw



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3634
Location: Chicago, IL

PostPosted: January 15, 2006 3:22 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kerry, I think you are right, and this takes a long time to get completely over it....and I hate to add this part....but maybe we never will, completely. I have had these jealous times, too. I think also it is part of the Nicodemon Lies in that he says things (to me anyway) like "oh think about all the fun you had on those breaks" or worse "think about all those great peoplel you met on smoking breaks and you wouldn't have met them if you had been inside." I really, really hate that last LIE!!! I meet great people now that I don't smoke, too, but every now and then my brian runs off the rail....but not enough to smoke, thank goodnesss.

Like others told you, you were strong, and that's all that matters. That's all that ever matters in the end....that we don't smoke....because sanity returns very quickly if we just hang in!

YOu did good! Cool Very Happy
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Margaret
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motorcyclewoman



Quit Date:
March 10, 2008

Posts: 95
Location: Belgium

PostPosted: January 15, 2006 4:23 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know the feeling Kerry, sometimes I get jealous too. Not all of the time, but still... Until now I was able to be strong, and I hope that feeling will go away some day. I comfort myself by thinking about the smell that will come out of their mouths, their smelly clothes, ... Wink
My deepest sympathy Mary Dude, this must be so tough, hang in there, and remember that smoking won't solve or ease youre problems, you create a new problem when you start smoking again...
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Pamela



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3542
Location: Gardiner, NY

PostPosted: January 15, 2006 9:54 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kerry, no one ever said that when you quit, that you would never want another cigarette ever again. If it were that easy.....

Don't keep kicking youself for having those thoughts. I still have dreams about smoking, and in the dreams I'm enjoying it. Its unsettling when I wake up, but it doesn't mean that I'm going to run out and buy cigarettes and smoke.

Sometimes if I get a thought or urge, (it's usually not as strong as a craving)....most times it's when I'm in my car, watching other people smoking in their car....I think, well, nothing is really holding me back but me. I could drive right up to the store, buy them, light up...and then.....

It's when I get to the "and then" part in this mind scenario that I realize that the act of smoking itself is not what I really want. If I did smoke, I would be so disappointed with it...I know I would. What I really want is that "ahhhh" feeling that you get when you are addicted to something, and get a feeding.

Of course, because I left

Scowling Demon almost two years ago, that "ahhhh" feeling will not be there. I would have to keep smoking and work the physical addiction back up to the point where a drag on a cigarette would satisfy a craving.

Sometimes I think that the longer you go as a non smoker, the more left out you feel because you no longer get the praise for quitting. It's no longer a "big deal" to your friends and family...they just take it for granted that you don't smoke. But we know that deep down inside, it's still a big deal (otherwise we still wouldn't be coming back to this board for support).

You did the right thing, and it's OK to get a feeling that you might miss something....even if it's only one aspect of something. the good news is that you didn't get tricked into getting back into the addiction again.
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FIVE + years of freedom and loving it!
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Melody



Quit Date:
August 19, 2004

Posts: 1103
Location: Ontario

PostPosted: January 15, 2006 4:57 PM    Post subject: Sorry to post this but I feel it is needed Reply with quote

Sorry just got frustrated with the whole addiction process
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I'm a NON-SMOKER thanks to everyone here


Last edited by Melody on January 16, 2006 10:05 AM; edited 1 time in total
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Kerry



Quit Date:
May 4, 2004

Posts: 862
Location: Illinois

PostPosted: January 15, 2006 11:38 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I never said that I second guessed my decision and by not smoking for the past 20 months I AM apparently "walking the walk". What just makes me curious is why I can smell smoke, or watch someone smoke and still have fond memories of it. It's really not that deep. And the reason that we're not all on the same path is because we are not all the same person. We're different ages, races, sexes, religions, and above all have lived different experiences unique to one another. And I for one, wouldn't have it any other way.
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