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Deb
Quit Date: February 5, 2010
Posts: 967 Location: North Carolina (Originally New York)
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Posted: February 13, 2006 9:54 AM Post subject: Jealousy! |
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I just had a really bad experience with a person that I've known my entire life. This happened to me with my last quit too, the same person as a matter of fact.
I don't mean to confuse you all but, I have been quit now for 41 days and by god it feels like 141. Ok, I'll admit it - I haven't been myself for a while or is this my true self? Now I'm confused
I was speaking to my freind and telling her about my quit. I don't remember the exact words that I used (she's a smoker) but it was something like "if I could do it than you can" well, she ripped me a new you know what. She said that if smoking is going to make her like me then she'd rather be a smoker. When she said "like me" she wasn't referring to me as a bitch or anything (at least I don't think so) but a person who must now seclude themselve. Maybe I am secluding myself, I'm early in this quit and afraid to go out and do the things I did ordinarily as a smoker. I need to move on in my own time and I'm not yet comfortable going out and meeting freinds for a cocktail especially, when they all smoke.
I pray that one day I can join society again but, right now I am treading on thin ice and need to make my quit stronger.
Anyway, our conversation got a little heated and (here comes the worst part) she said that I might as well just go buy a pack now because, I probably will just go back eventually anyway. I got furious, here I thought this is a freind, she's suppose to support me, give me words of encouragement, blah blah blah....BITCH.
I think the bottom line is she's jealous. During one of my prior quits, we had a similar fallout. I should of known to avoid her until I know that I'm out of danger. Sorry to go on and on but, I'm so upset that the only thing I could do was come here and let off a little steam.
Be careful, you sometimes don't know who your freinds are. Very dissapointing I might add.
If quitting means being alone (for now anyway) then I will do just that. I can always come here and hang out with my quit buddies who know just what it's like. Don't get me wrong, I do have a lot of folks who support my quit but, it's the one that is negative that seems to stand out in my mind.
Deb |
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Seabrez
Quit Date: -
Posts: 4458 Location: Gulf Coast
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Posted: February 13, 2006 10:21 AM Post subject: Re: Jealousy! |
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mashulse wrote: |
I got furious, here I thought this is a freind,........... blah blah blah....BITCH. |
Ok Deb...first...let's have a good laugh!! Girl, I'm laughing so hard right now my side hurts. The way you put the words above just really tickled me.....love it!!!
You know there are those who are just that...a bitch! Yeah, she probably is a bit jealous underneath....and she also has alot of lack of understanding about the addiction itself and what a person has to do to get free of it's grasp. Basically, it boils down to others not understanding...in the 3D world they just don't get it most of the time. That's why there is Woofmang!!! (Yeah, rock and roll the support group)
Deb...you're doing great!!! I find will use anyone to get us to give in.....friends, relatives, and the jerks of life in general. And all the other stuff, about being a hermit...blow it OFF!!! You know what is safe for your quit right now. In time, you'll adjust to "all" of life...but right now, you do what is right for YOU....not her or anyone else.
And above all remember, today is the 13th. I was going to post a rant myself this morning, but your post, and the blah, blah, blah,...BITCH...made me laugh, so I'm better now.
Come on Deb....dance a jig with me...and let the so-called friend ...flip sand!!
You Go Girl.....Kick it to the Curb and don't look back!
Love and a Huge Hug {{{{{{{DEB}}}}}}} _________________
Living in Freedom
Deb
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 2 Corn 5:17 NASB |
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mtwilsonranch
Quit Date: January 20, 2006
Posts: 1863 Location: nevada
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Posted: February 13, 2006 11:53 AM Post subject: |
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Deb,
A true friend lets you be as you are,......I have to agree with you, she is jealous of your success, but I beleive she is so because of her fear, if you can overcome than why not her????maybe she has no faith in her...
Stay strong and bend with this emotion, see your glass have full, and give yourself one big pat on the back.....You are overcoming the most powerfull addiction there is, and you lovely lady are doing it
So keep on doing the Happy Dance, keep on choosing you,
With love,
Pam _________________
Right Now, this minute, this hour, this day, I choose not to feed my addiction.... |
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Melody
Quit Date: August 19, 2004
Posts: 1103 Location: Ontario
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Posted: February 13, 2006 12:17 PM Post subject: |
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Deb: I don't agree with the jealously angel completely maybe it's more the fact that it's becoming more and more fashionable not to smoke. You are likely one more nail in her coffin of isolation not yours. I have friends that tend to be mostly smokers so right from the start I hung with them anyway. I just never counted them as part of my Quit nor part of my support team. I did use them to reinforce why I did not wish to smoke any longer. At first I was mean and did spot tears in eyes a few times when I'd been particularly nasty but guess what I finally straightened out. I never lost any friends over my Quit and I still join them outside on most occasions unless it is sub zero weather when they take a smoke break. Your emotions are still raw give it time. I know when I smoked it never crossed my mind to be jealous of a non smoker but Quitters used to scare me as they seemed to be wanting me to join them. Might have been all in my own mind and maybe I was really feeling guilty for destroying my health. Stay strong you will be fine. Failure is only a word you attach to something you choose not to follow through on. Make it not an option and remember Quit means Quit. _________________
I'm a NON-SMOKER thanks to everyone here |
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Snowlover
Quit Date: -
Posts: 566 Location: Northern California
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Posted: February 13, 2006 2:41 PM Post subject: Sure Feel For You. |
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My friends just don't understand and sure don't sympathize with how fragile we are right now.
My smoking friend doesn't know what to say but just feels guilty (I know) when I mention quitting to her because I know she wants to quit too.
My never-smoked-before friend says nothing because she is clueless.
We're also feeling a lot of emotions right now that we haven't really dealt with in the past because we could just light up and ignore.
Keep up the good work - and reward yourself for getting through a really tough one.
K |
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kannprint
Quit Date: April 10, 2004
Posts: 4988 Location: St. Louis, MO
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Posted: February 13, 2006 3:01 PM Post subject: |
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We all have to deal with obstinate people. However, during the early days of our quits, these confrontations are so much more difficult to accept. I honestly think you're doing the best thing for yourself by staying away from places where you know you'll be tempted to smoke. If that means staying away from this "friend," so be it. It's in your best interest.
The day will soon come when you don't need to stay away from those people and places. Just think how great you're going to feel walking into a restaurant and requesting the Non-Smoking section.
Don't let anyone sabotage your quit. You're doing this for you not for them -- stay strong. _________________
LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH.
Jo |
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Pamela
Quit Date: -
Posts: 3542 Location: Gardiner, NY
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Posted: February 13, 2006 3:15 PM Post subject: |
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Go up to Kevin's Tales and read what he has to say about "herd" mentality. It is so, so true.
If your friendship with this person was mostly based on a mutual smoking relationship (I know I had those), then it might not survive your quitting. But, it probably wasn't much of a friendship to begin with.
I'm sure your friend is both jealous afraid, and it's leaving her with one less smoker in the "herd". Making her insecure.
You stay strong. You'll make it through this stage...even though it may sometimes seem lonely.......and you'll be glad you did it.
Keep up the great work. _________________
FIVE + years of freedom and loving it! |
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marw
Quit Date: -
Posts: 3634 Location: Chicago, IL
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Posted: February 13, 2006 11:31 PM Post subject: |
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Man, oh man, is she ever in denial! I'll bet she wants to quit so bad she can't stand it, and she is so envious...well JEALOUS BITCH is actually better ....wouldn't surprise me if she tries quitting soon. And the thing is, she is the one without friends and in isolation, most likely, 'cause very few people smoke anymore. It is really very socially incorrect these days....and I've noticed smokers tense up around me, even if I never met them in my life! So think how hard it is for her.
But I am soooo glad she didn't get to you....that was pretty low what she did, however. She owes you an apology. Hope she sees the lite soon.
And you certainly did right to come here and rant! My brother said something like that one time, early in my quit (only in this case I really was being bitchy) but he still had no right to do it....and yet he was 600 miles away on the phone, so it was less lethal. Still hurt my feelings. He did apologize profusedly later. He is a past Quitter himself, and knows how hard it is. It just goes to show that the never rests. He tries to turn family and friends against us. Nothing is too low for the ! I look forward to the day when he is dead a a doornail, and outlawed from the planet Earth!
You keep on going, K, it an elegant thing to do to quit smoking. And when you do hit the social whiril again, you will meet ever so much nicer people.
(((((((Hugs)))))) _________________
Margaret |
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Cowgirl UP!
Quit Date: July 26, 2004
Posts: 5029 Location: Ala
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Posted: February 14, 2006 12:01 AM Post subject: |
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QUITTING SMOKING REQUIRES EFFORT, SOME JUST DON'T HAVE IT IN THEM TO GET OFF THE COUCH SERIOUSLY, I CAN IMAGINE IT JUST SCARES THE HELL OUT OF HER....THE THOUGHT OF GIVING UP HER CIGS IS A BIT OVERWHELMING......GO AHEAD AND SHOW HER IT IS WORTH THE EFFORT TO QUIT...SHOW HER HOW WELL YOU ARE DOING AND POLITELY RUB HER NOSE IN IT....
KAY _________________
All with a little help from my friends, COWGIRL UP |
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Simone
Quit Date: April 28, 2005
Posts: 953 Location: Australia
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Posted: February 14, 2006 10:06 AM Post subject: |
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I hope all turns out well your friend does owe you a big apology.....that was so uncalled for.
All my friends are still smoking & ask me everytime they see me (which is rare since I quit) do you want a cigarette??, 'oh sorry miss smarty Simone quit'.......and than ohhhh you'll have a smoke soon.
I just say nothing or 'don't you wish you could have the determination & guts as I have to just DO IT' but very quitely & than I say nothing at all.
It is upsetting .
Take no notice at all I am so PROUD of you (((HUGS)))
Love,
Simone
xox |
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Renee
Quit Date: January 1, 2006
Posts: 58 Location: Maryland
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Posted: February 14, 2006 6:26 PM Post subject: |
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I think we have the same friend. my best friend. Except she's not brave enough to say it to me. You're lucky yours has the love and trust to tell you how pissed she is that she thinks she's lost you. Call it heard mentality, her guilt, or her jealousy, but it's her just flat out missing you -
I can't go out and drink beer with her (our favorite pastime) I can't go have a coffee with her on the porch or even go to the mall right now. I too, am early in my quit, and Im not ready to return to my old patterns.
Be strong, there's no turning back now. That's how I look at it.
renee |
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Barbara K.
Quit Date: December 23, 2004
Posts: 5977
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Posted: February 17, 2006 4:31 AM Post subject: |
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Hi Deb,
In the course of my quits, I lost a whole lot of friends and family due to me simply realizing they couldn't care less about being in a healthy relationship with me. Some of these people and I are no longer have contact with due to several reasons. One of the reason being is that when I needed them the most, they didn't want to deal with me. They ditched me not me them. In other words, they were fair weather friends. I have made other friends but have not had nearly enough time to make up for the same number I no longer have. This does not bother me at the moment in my quit because I found a better way to spend my time than wasting it with people who only want to play mind games. I may not have been successful with some of the things in my life that I've substituted in place of the people in my life that are history now but at the same time since I have quit smoking in December 23rd 04 I have accomplished a lot. I have accomplished a lot of things since my quit that I would have never done if I were still smoking. I have more pride, hope, self esteem, and have learned so much in all the textbooks I've bought since last year.
Deb, I didn't mean to go on and on about me but I wanted to make a point. 1. If you lose this friend, it may not be the worse thing to happen. When one door closes another will open. If you can accept this friend for who she is, find a way to deal with her antics. 2. Try to start to make new friends but non smoking ones. Even if you still keep all your current friends more won't hurt, especially non smokers. If any of your current friends drop out, you won't be left standing alone. 3. Friends should be supportive of one another even if they are cranky or whatever. This is IMHO.
Sorry I've made this so long. I must be in a writing mood or my pain pill talking.
Blessings, _________________
Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.
Blessings,
Barbara K. |
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