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Gloom, despair, and agony on me
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Lori



Quit Date:
March 18, 2006

Posts: 521
Location: Pennsylvania, USA

PostPosted: April 10, 2006 11:39 AM    Post subject: Gloom, despair, and agony on me Reply with quote

Week three was really rough for me. I knew this week had a special name like hell week and heck week, but didn’t know what it was. I just looked it up – weak week. Well, it lived up to its name in my experience.

I was so dam—ed sad all week. Kept starting to cry all of a sudden, for no apparent reason. Just felt overwhelmed with sadness. I had many thoughts of smoking, but no desire to do it. I knew it wouldn't make anything any better (that it would actually make things worse, because I’d just feel defeated by my addiction). I guess this conviction was the silver lining to my little cloud of despair.

I’m one of those unfortunates who used smoking as a screen to avoid stuff. I knew that when I quit, I would have to deal with many things I used to be able to “let go of” because I substituted smoking for action. The first ten days or so required such concentrated effort on the actual quit process that I didn’t have to deal with anything else. Then I got a little reprieve for a few days; the Big Quit was getting a little easier and I was enjoying some of the wondrous changes that were manifesting.

Then whammo – the bleakness descended. At first, it felt really good to cry, but it soon grew tiresome. I sought escape. I tried to lose myself in work. I ate Reeses. In the meantime, I worked on solving problems in my dreams. You know, it is so bizarre – since I decided to quit, I have been dreaming (and remembering my dreams) almost every night. This is pretty unusual – I’m not a dreamless sleeper, but I seldom have dreams vivid enough to recall the next day. Every night last week, I had a dream about something that bothers me in real life. I did not smoke in any of those dreams. I think I might have been practicing new coping skills in my sleep.

Weak week ended with a hopeful dream on Friday night. I dreamt I was car pooling to work with some people who were also trying to quit smoking (funny how dreams go – all of the people in the car were my original smoking buddies from teenage school days). The driver was upset about something and was raving to us about it. Then she stopped at a convenience store and bought a pack of cigarettes. She came back to the car and lit one up. Immediately, everyone else grabbed one from the pack and lit up. I started saying, "Great -- now you all have your addictions back in full force!! Do you really want to be controlled by cigarettes?!! Do you really want to let that little white cylinder control your life??!!" Then my anger and fear turned into something else. I stopped ranting because looking at them, I just felt pity. Addiction sucks. I felt sorry for all of us that we had to shoulder such a burden. I felt even sorrier for them that they did not feel the strength to bear it.

It’s day 24 and I’m still feeling sad off and on, but it’s getting a little better. The weather was pretty yesterday, so my husband and I got out on our bikes. It always helps to get outside. I know I can’t relieve dissatisfaction by escaping it. I must do something to change the things that cause dissatisfaction (or make an active choice to accept them). For the first time in my life, I’m preparing to face this stuff without a crutch. Any words of advice or comfort from those of you who have walked this path would be most appreciated.

Thanks,
Lori

(PS: This is the longest I have ever been without a cigarette.)
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
-

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: April 10, 2006 12:17 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

i think people like you and me (who used smoking to avoid dealing with things) are the rule rather than the exception, lori. it can be really tough at first, but here's an idea that may help:

it's not that serious. whatever it is, chances are it's just not serious enough to get upset about. life happens one moment at a time; if you're sad now, in the next moment you might be happy (and vice versa). the trick is to just be this moment, whatever it is, and not to try to hang onto it if you think it's good or avoid it because you think it's bad; the only constant in life is change. we waste so much time trying to hang onto the good moments and avoid the bad that we miss much of the wonder of life being just what it is.

or, put more succinctly, "this too shall pass."

hang in there, lori; you're doing great! Smile
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keep choosing life!

kevin

the zen of the quit
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Pamela



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3542
Location: Gardiner, NY

PostPosted: April 10, 2006 12:46 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
since I decided to quit, I have been dreaming (and remembering my dreams) almost every night. This is pretty unusual – I’m not a dreamless sleeper, but I seldom have dreams vivid enough to recall the next day.


Your post really hit home, Lori. Nearly the same thing happened to me. It was sort of disturbing, but not really. Gee that's clear as mud!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I first quit, I never realized that there would be all of this change that happened to me. I never realized that I was smoking to avoid facing emotions...good or bad. So, not only did I have to deal with the addiction, but also I had to learn how to face life without having a cigarette in my hand. Like you, I think I used dreams to help me internalize how to handle situations without smoking. As you transition to learning how to deal with situationsS without smoking, the "dream" thing will probably pass, and you won't even notice it when it happens.

One of the strangest things I realized after I quit was that I didn't possess one single photo of myself without a cigarette in my hand. When I smoked, it seemed "normal" and a part of me, just like another body part. Now, I can't imagine how it would feel to hold a cigarette.

This sadness is just part of the transition. It's hard at first, well, maybe a little more scary than hard.....but it'll be OK.

Who knew that quitting smoking meant this total change in our thinking and in our lives? But it did for me, and I think it's happening for you, too. Oh boy...you are in for some really good changes ahead! I'm not going to tell you, I don't want to spoil the surprise.

Bottom line is that what you are going through is perfectly normal in the quit process....and exactly on cue! You are doing great....so just keep it going!
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FIVE + years of freedom and loving it!
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swaneem



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 1298
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: April 10, 2006 2:05 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lori,

I agree with both Kevin and Pamela. Truly...we only have THIS MOMENT to live. We're constantly tripping off into the past or the future and that's where a lot of panic and anxiety reside.

As an addict...we've been deeply affected physically, emotionally, and mentally. Now you are healing....YEAH FOR YOU!!! Very Happy .... and may not understand why you're experiencing what you are.

But does it really matter? The important thing is that you've broken the chains and are moving towards freedom.

That's a BIG DEAL, Lori. Rejoice...in the moment....for this.

Donna
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Just when the caterpillar thought his world was
coming to an end..........God made him a
BUTTERFLY.
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kannprint



Quit Date:
April 10, 2004

Posts: 4988
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: April 10, 2006 2:56 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lori, what the previous writers have written is so true. I can only add one thing that has stayed with me. As most smokers, I used my addiction to "get me through tough situations." Or so I thought. Now that I've become accustomed to not leaning on that addiction, solving problems has (or so it seems anyway) become much easier than in the past.

Another plus of being nicotine free is the lack of stress. I smoked when I was stressed to relieve the nerves. I've discovered that I have far less stress now than I did as a smoker. Could the nicotine have been creating the stress?? Guess it's possible.

What you're going through sounds so familiar, especially after having re-read my journal last night. Believe me, Lori, it gets so much better. Just stay strong and stay close.
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LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH.
Jo
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Terry



Quit Date:
February 11, 2004

Posts: 164
Location: Pittsburgh, PA

PostPosted: April 10, 2006 8:12 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Week 3 is like that. For some reason the emotion of it all really hits you then. I didn't crave like in the first week, but man, was I in the dumps. Glad you pulled through.
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iwantosing



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 338
Location: Pennsylvania

PostPosted: April 10, 2006 8:52 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy i was really sad too. i cried alot, especially when i cleaned the house or worked outside Shocked i just could not work hard without getting depressed because i could not have a smoke as my reward. But i can now....cleaned the whole house and not one tear. so it does get better....just don't smoke. It won't get better if you smoke. You are doing great and soon very soon it starts to get esier. peg
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My name is Peg, I decided I wanted to sing to the Lord, run with my son, laugh and learn to whistle, the cigs had to go!! Quit Date 3/28/05
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Mary Dude



Quit Date:
June 15, 2004

Posts: 4803
Location: Pittsburgh, PA

PostPosted: April 10, 2006 10:48 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Old Laughing Demon is really scared of you! He's playing the depression card - don't get bogged down... know that it will get better as long as you keep going - smoke free! Its an ongoing journey...evolving into the new you...enjoy the process...
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Mary D.
Smoke-free one day at a time!
Worry doesn't help tomorrow's troubles, but it does ruin today's happiness!
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mtwilsonranch



Quit Date:
January 20, 2006

Posts: 1863
Location: nevada

PostPosted: April 11, 2006 12:44 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lori,

I can understand your feelings, the depression, the missing, the dreams and not feeling quit normal, or what is normal?????

It is the Catterpiller turning into the Butterfly........The process of quitting the poison......

You are doing so good, keep kicking this addiction to the curb....

Pam
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Right Now, this minute, this hour, this day, I choose not to feed my addiction....
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Barbara K.



Quit Date:
December 23, 2004

Posts: 5977

PostPosted: April 11, 2006 3:59 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy Lori,

During our pyschological withdrawl from nicotine things tend to be blown up, like our emotions. It is okay to feel too. If everything is going really good all the time, life would get pretty darn boring without the ups and downs. After you have some time with your quit things will start to level out. You're doing great.

Blessings,
_________________

Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.

Blessings,
Barbara K.
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alleghany



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 2049

PostPosted: April 11, 2006 8:22 AM    Post subject: Re: Gloom, despair, and agony on me Reply with quote

Lori wrote:
For the first time in my life, I’m preparing to face this stuff without a crutch.


I believe that you will find getting through this one of the most enabling experiences in your life. I know I did. The fact that I faced hard issues without my addiction (sans crutch!) made each emotional victory tens times sweeter!

You have made it through the toughest rows, and the ones you have left to hoe really will bear beautiful flowers!!!! (OK, maybe I went a little too far on that metaphor! lol!!!! Rolling Eyes Wink )

I know you can do this! Cool
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Quit date: June 6, 2004
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Deb



Quit Date:
February 5, 2010

Posts: 967
Location: North Carolina (Originally New York)

PostPosted: April 11, 2006 11:13 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lori,

The others have already given you such great advice. Your doing so AMAZING, WTG!!


It's all perfectly normal. Quitting is definately an emotional roller coaster in the beginning so, just hang on and ride it out. Wink

Deb
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Anne



Quit Date:
November 25, 2005

Posts: 93
Location: North Dakota

PostPosted: April 14, 2006 10:45 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just kind of try to have faith that you will come out of it feeling a real strength and pride that is something solid and something that will stick with you. I think it is absolutely worth it. I have sometimes just kind of slept through those days, or at any rate gone to bed early. It does get better.

Or as per Kevin, "This too shall pass...."

Anne
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marw



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3634
Location: Chicago, IL

PostPosted: April 15, 2006 2:00 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lori, your weak week sounded like mine exactly!!! And I do mean exactly! And it happened in my Week 3 also. But you will get over it, and it will get better. Kevin helped me at that time also.

You are doing a superb job!! And that was a great post, too. We need to know how others are doing, and how they get through it all. Even though I am almost 2 years now, I still like to have these reminders. You will see what I mean. Time goes faster than you think. Soon you will be here with me! Keep on Posting!!

You are da Woman!!!! Cool Very Happy
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Margaret
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karen



Quit Date:
March 23, 2006

Posts: 20
Location: Langley BC Canada

PostPosted: April 18, 2006 6:20 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow!

Now I know what was wrong with me. I cried a lot last week (week 3). I'm not sad to see that week done.
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