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three's a crowd (my friend, the demon, and me)

 
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Lori



Quit Date:
March 18, 2006

Posts: 521
Location: Pennsylvania, USA

PostPosted: April 26, 2006 4:15 PM    Post subject: three's a crowd (my friend, the demon, and me) Reply with quote

Hi gang,

I've been feeling pretty down the past few weeks. I think I'm just going through an adjustment period, but that knowledge doesn't make the experience any more agreeable. Sad

Today, I got an email from a friend that really bummed me out, but I don't know if I'm just being hypersensitive or what. I thought I'd ask your opinions.

My closest girl friend is a smoker. We have been getting together every Thursday night for more than 10 years. Sure, sometimes we've had to alter plans, but for the most part, we see our Thursday nights as sacred. I just got an email from her saying she needed to cancel this Thursday, again. This is the second time in 6 weeks that she has cancelled, rather than rearranged our plans.

I can't help but think it's because I'm no longer smoking. Maybe I shouldn't make such assumptions, but there it is. I know how addiction is. It comes first. It's just been awhile since I've been on this side of the addiction fence.

Thanks for listening.
Lori
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kannprint



Quit Date:
April 10, 2004

Posts: 4988
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: April 26, 2006 4:19 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lori, I can understand your disappointment but perhaps there are other reasons your friend is unable to see you this Thursday. She may be going through some difficulties that she just isn't ready to discuss. Give her a little time. We just never know what's going on in someone else's life. Confused
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LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH.
Jo
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Pamela



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3542
Location: Gardiner, NY

PostPosted: April 26, 2006 4:29 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm. Go up to the "tales" at the top of the site. This may put some perspective on things for you.

I've gone through exactly the same thing with a friend of almost 20 years, who is a smoker as well. Sometimes I think smoking was the glue that held together our relationship together. As it stands now, we saw each other in early February to finally exchange Christmas gifts, and I've been waiting for HER to call me ever since.
Crying or Very sad


Do not allow this to have any effect on your quit. As Jo says, it may just be coincidence. Give her the benefit of the doubt....but try not to dwell on it too much.
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FIVE + years of freedom and loving it!
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bigdaddyscds



Quit Date:
May 13, 2004

Posts: 562
Location: San Angelo, Texas USA

PostPosted: April 26, 2006 6:59 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll chime in and play devil's advocate as usual. Perhaps she is trying to not tempt you with the evil demon that is part of her life right now. She may just not want to hurt your quit. If you are close just be honest and discuss your concerns. You may be surprised!
John
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All things are difficult before they are easy.
Thomas Fuller , M.D.
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londa



Quit Date:
July 28, 2004

Posts: 2469
Location: new york, USA

PostPosted: April 26, 2006 7:37 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lori, I have a friend who has not come to my house since I quit smoking. When I smoked I saw her almost every night. She would come down to my house and smoke. (She can't smoke at home)

I finally confronted her but she insist that is not reason she dosn't come down. ( I know better) But we still talk on the phone and I drop in and see her. I feel she just feels uncomfortable now.

I'll guarentee if I started smoking (which I will not do) she would be down in a minute.

You have just done something that she isn't willing to do yet, but wishes she could.

I have met alot more friends and do alot more than before. I use to stay home everynight and smoke with my friend.

NOW.... Oh my goodness,.... now I am so busy socially, sewing, bible studies....etc. I LOVE IT!

God shuts one door and then HE opens up the Biggest door you ever saw!!!!!

He is so good!

So you hang in there and still be her friend. IT hurts when you don't get to see them, but they'll come around. Just be patient.

Being smoke free is wonderful, but it is not easy.

God Bless

Love, Londa
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My name is Londa. I am 57 and I act like I'm 20. I love to laugh and smile. The more the better. Being kind to someone is the best thing you can do.
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essie662



Quit Date:
April 14, 2004

Posts: 3388
Location: MI

PostPosted: April 26, 2006 8:05 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lori - I have a Thursday smoking friend too. Things were strained between us when I first quit, I'm sure she felt betrayed and probably a lot jealous. On one of our Thursday outings we had a horrible fight. Friendship MUST win out as a week later we talked and talked, hugged and went on our usual Thursday outing and had fun. She still smokes, but I give her space and time to do so. I can window shop or whatever while she has her break. I think talking is the key, don't give up just yet, give the newness of your quit some time, and Good Luck with it!

Smile
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Essie
4/14/04
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mtwilsonranch



Quit Date:
January 20, 2006

Posts: 1863
Location: nevada

PostPosted: April 26, 2006 9:33 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lori,

I tend to think like John, maybe she just does not want to tempt you...or maybe afraid of " the smokers lecture"..But without knowing her mind we are all just guessing...

Good idea to talk with your friend....

Pam
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Right Now, this minute, this hour, this day, I choose not to feed my addiction....
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marw



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3634
Location: Chicago, IL

PostPosted: April 26, 2006 11:27 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ask her about it. Who knows what it might be? Might not be related to your quit at all, or if it is, you can clear the air.

My experince is that the smokers generally come back to you if they think you are not going to nag them.......(I had to work on that part! Embarassed Rolling Eyes )
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Margaret
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swaneem



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 1298
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: April 27, 2006 1:49 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lori,

I, too, would just ask your friend outright.....I don't leave things up to my mind's imaginings....because I'll paint the worst scenario.

As for feeling "down".....that's okay. No matter what we KNOW....quitting is still a LOSS on some level in our heads and I believe we go through a bit of a grieving process. Just one of the stages towards healing ourselves on all levels.

You're doing fine, Lori....just keep going forward.

Donna
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Just when the caterpillar thought his world was
coming to an end..........God made him a
BUTTERFLY.
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Backfist



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 340
Location: Rome, Georgia

PostPosted: April 27, 2006 6:28 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Lori! I have a couple of friendships that have changed a bit since I quit! I think it is only natural for there to be some "relationship reevaluation" after you quit. After all, I know I have different standards now as to what I'll allow in my life.

I'm sure your friendship is solid enough to withstand a bit of change! Give your friend the benefit of the doubt; it really may be something totally unrelated to your quit.

You're doing great! Just keep going? Have you been planning rewards for yourself? That really helped me.

Dekie
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Anne



Quit Date:
November 25, 2005

Posts: 93
Location: North Dakota

PostPosted: April 30, 2006 6:05 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think as a smoker I used to feel some resentment against people who were able to quit--I was pretty GUNG-HO as a smoker, and would profess how much I LOVED to smoke! Your friend may not be like that, but it is nevertheless a big step which you have taken, and smokers do tend to like to share their habit. It is only recently that I am able to hang out with people who smoke without feeling in some way deprived (which is silly), but still, it is a complicated thing.

As for having been a bit down the last few weeks--it is only natural. The good effects that you are noticing will soon come to the forefront--on the first six weeks of my first real quit, I think I tended to just go to bed early, not knowing what to do with myself. That did improve, however!

Best of luck, you are doing great.......................
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Mary Dude



Quit Date:
June 15, 2004

Posts: 4803
Location: Pittsburgh, PA

PostPosted: April 30, 2006 9:28 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Lori - how about an update?? What happened with your "Thursday" friend?
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Mary D.
Smoke-free one day at a time!
Worry doesn't help tomorrow's troubles, but it does ruin today's happiness!
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Lori



Quit Date:
March 18, 2006

Posts: 521
Location: Pennsylvania, USA

PostPosted: May 3, 2006 2:44 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi all,

Wow, your responses really helped me and I thank you so much! Sorry I haven’t had a chance to update you until now – I’ve been away for the past few days.

I realized that more than anything else, my problem really was with myself. I was getting down on myself for being so negative and making assumptions about someone so close to me. I sometimes have a tendency to do this. I try to “figure out” what’s going on and then assign blame accordingly. In handing out the blame, I like to reserve a share of it for myself (in this case it was my old standby, “I shouldn’t feel this way.”) In the past, this would provide a tidy excuse for indulging my addiction.

Since I wasn’t going to conclude this cycle in my old way, I knew I had to do something different. Asking for your help really felt inspired and the responses I got were even more so.

Jo, you helped me to identify and acknowledge what I was feeling – disappointment and hurt. That was the root of the problem right there.

John, Pam, Donna, and Margaret, I thank you for offering me other views of the situation and reminding me that the most appropriate action is simply to talk to her. (My own inability to see this reminded me of the George Bernard Shaw line, "No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious." Embarassed Laughing )

Pamela, Londa, Essie, Dekie, Anne, and those of you who pm’ed me – thank you for sharing your personal stories. I can’t tell you how comforting that was to me.

I left for the long weekend feeling so much better.

Y’all are the best!
Cool
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