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Am I alone?
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Lady



Quit Date:
July 1, 2005

Posts: 378
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: October 4, 2006 8:24 AM    Post subject: Am I alone? Reply with quote

Does anyone every find themselves thinking about the comfort and emotional blockers that smoking brought with it. I know for me, I have had to learn to deal with a lot of things since quitting. I sometimes wonder if it wouldn't just be easier to ignore the junk in my head and go back to the smoke screen that hid it all for me. Maybe not as healthy, but definately easier.

Just a thought I have quite often. Wondered if anyone else does.
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RiverdaleMan



Quit Date:
February 17, 2006

Posts: 59
Location: Toronto

PostPosted: October 4, 2006 9:04 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lady

I know what you are speaking of. I don't want that veil that was in my mind and body to come back.

I kind of like the clarity that I have now. Not to say that I am truly happy about what happens in my body with this quit thing. I really feel when I get panicy, excited or even edgy. I feel all of that more. I feel if my blood pressure or my heart rate are decressing or escalating. I guess I feel all the stuff that others take for granted and I actually feel this stuff. I am working to get used to feeling all of that and not jumping out of my skin with fear that something is going wrong with my mechanical system. Trust brings a lot and knowing that what goes on inside on my body is a true miracle. AND that everythoing that is happening is actually bringing life.

Choosing life and not a slow and creeping death. LIFE Smile
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BFS



Quit Date:
October 28, 2005

Posts: 51
Location: Missouri

PostPosted: October 4, 2006 9:28 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lady,

We have come so far! Do you really want to go back? COULD you go back? We both know that that's a big fat NO!!! And the things that are causing you to want to go back behind the smoke screen won't go away if you smoke.

I used to have these thoughts that I wanted to go back to smoking to hide behind the smoke screen, but I don't allow myself to entertain those thoughts anymore and the quit got a lot easier because of it. As long as you entertain the thoughts that smoking would help you in some way, then you're not releasing yourself to truly feel the joy that comes with this freedom of being quit for a year. Embrace the joy! Forget the notion that smoking did anything good for you... it didn't! If you went back to smoking, the "junk in your head" will still be there! Razz You've come so far... why would you want to go back?
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Free



Quit Date:
May 12, 2006

Posts: 826
Location: USA

PostPosted: October 4, 2006 10:37 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dearest Lady,

No way do I want that screen back. No way do I want to live a life of lies any longer. BUT I can totally relate to the feeling of wanting to escape. And I do, only now I escape in a healthy way instead of a destructive way. When I want to escape I set up an appointment to get a massage and a pedicure; I grab some inspirational reading and take long bubble bath; I meditate/pray, read the Bible (surrender, devote, fill myself up with love/gratitude); I go to the gym ... etc. etc. etc.

Mentally, it is easier to ignore problems. That holds true for people whether they smoke or not. In the long run though we know that by doing that it makes a huge mess. So we can deal with the mess now, or a much bigger mess later.

As we know the easier choice is, 9 times out of 10, not the right choice. As a Christian, I have come to realized that the further I am in my sanctification journey, the less it seems like the right choices are the hard choices. The right choices become rather joyful to make whether they are difficult or not because I know God is honing me into something beautiful and for that I am thankful. Every time you feel are facing a mental pain, just try to remember that God is taking the time to 'carve' you & be thankful for that. Work on changing that perspective. That may just be the lesson He is trying to teach you. Keep practicing those coping skills Lady. In fact, try to look forward to practicing them. You know what they say 'Practice makes Perfect'.

I know you will look back one day and not even recognize yourself. God's love is amazing.

Fondly,
Free
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Become addicted to constant and never ending self improvement.

The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.

Realize that true happiness lies within you.
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Lady



Quit Date:
July 1, 2005

Posts: 378
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: October 4, 2006 1:27 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I hate the emotions. I hate the being aware of everything and feeling everything. It was so much easier to hide.

I'm so tired of no one caring. Tired of being alone. Tired of not being important. Tired of fighting. I'm just fricken tired. I don't want to hurt anymore.

I know God is making me a better person, but for what? More loneliness, more hurt, more pain, more feeling worthless?

I guess I just need to vent. I'm also tired of seeing the good in everything and focusing on the positive. Some days I just want to go back to bed and cry.
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Free



Quit Date:
May 12, 2006

Posts: 826
Location: USA

PostPosted: October 4, 2006 1:44 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think you should explore the reasons why you hate emotions with a therapist. I have had several years of counseling in my life. And I thank God for it. Counseling helped me to help myself in many ways.

Stuffing or trying to forget the things that hurt us only make the hurt worse. Working things out is the road to inner peace. And sometimes we need help in doing so. No shame in that.

If you are fighting, you are not surrendering. Don't fight. Turn it over to God. Pray and do devotions at the beginning each day. Then try to walk through day from a place of Love. Don't expect anything back. Do this over and over, one day at a time, just like with quitting and you will be amazed at how your life will change.

We all have 'down' days. We need a 'pick me up', a 'break', etc. We need to flush our pity pots/vent/etc.

If you think you have too many 'down' days Lady, please do not hesitate to reach out and seek help from a Christian Counselor or your Pastor. Sometimes pats on the back from friends are just not enough. I know, I've been there. Don't let yourself fall into the hole of depression. The longer you stay down, the deeper the hole gets.

(((((hugs))))))
Big hugs for you Lady.

Fondly,
Free
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Become addicted to constant and never ending self improvement.

The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.

Realize that true happiness lies within you.
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Melody



Quit Date:
August 19, 2004

Posts: 1103
Location: Ontario

PostPosted: October 4, 2006 8:28 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lady what ever is going on in your life right now likely has nothing to do with smoking. Nothing wrong with crying just make sure to leave enough tears in the well so it doesn't go dry. If the people you hold dear are selfish then don't hold them so close. Back away look around there will be new friends to fill the void. If you feel lonely find out what's available in your community and pick something. Doesn't matter what really. Don't run from emotions but rather look at them for what they are. We all have feelings so we all understand. Group hug needed here((( )))
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Lady



Quit Date:
July 1, 2005

Posts: 378
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: October 4, 2006 10:22 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you so much Melody. A hug is exactly what I needed.

I know the way I'm feeling doesn't have anything to do with smoking. It's just that when I smoked, I had an escape from the feelings I've been experiencing today. It isn't easy to keep your chin up at all times. Sometimes the loneliness of life just seems to take over. It's so hard at times. Sometimes I want to be the one cared for and not the caretaker. Sometimes I just wish there were someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Know what I mean?

My cigarette use to tell me that. Sad I know. What an awful addiction smoking is.
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Lady



Quit Date:
July 1, 2005

Posts: 378
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: October 5, 2006 8:13 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Feeling better today. I really hate the days like yesterday. They seem almost imposible to get through. Thanks for letting me vent folks.
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Free



Quit Date:
May 12, 2006

Posts: 826
Location: USA

PostPosted: October 5, 2006 9:28 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm really happy to see you are feeling better today Lady.

Fondly,
Free
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Become addicted to constant and never ending self improvement.

The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.

Realize that true happiness lies within you.
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IveyGirl



Quit Date:
August 30, 2006

Posts: 84
Location: Florida

PostPosted: October 5, 2006 1:06 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know what Lady! The next time you have a bad day.......if all you want to do is sit in bed and cry.....well than that's what you do. At the end of the day, you're the person who is going to take care of you and fighting emotions will only make the day and mood worse. Give in to your emotions.....cry, scream, laugh, jump, run, ignore people, lock yourself in your room, eat cake.....whatever it is you need to do to give yourself a break from the emotional rollercoaster.......

Glad to hear your feeling better!!
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We are better than we know. If we can be made to see it, perhaps for the rest of our lives, we will be unwilling to settle for less.
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Rusty



Quit Date:
December 13, 2004

Posts: 497
Location: North Florida

PostPosted: October 5, 2006 10:08 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like Iveygirl's solution....EAT CAKE! No, then you'll feel guilty for that. Free has so many good ideas, too. I'm going to add one: when you start feeling crappy, dig out those pictures of you with the stingray. That sting ray LOVES you! He or she is out there swimming around going "Wow, I love that Lady! I hope she's happy because she sure made me happy!"

Rusty

Very Happy
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The Buddha says: Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.
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Lady



Quit Date:
July 1, 2005

Posts: 378
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: October 5, 2006 10:27 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

LOL Rusty! That sting ray was amazing.... I wonder if I can add that picture here.

I'll have to try
[/img]
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Lady



Quit Date:
July 1, 2005

Posts: 378
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: October 5, 2006 10:37 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

For those of you that don't know, I just returned a couple of weeks ago from a 6 day cruise without kids! This was my one year reward (at about 15 months). It was an awesome time and I swam with the sting rays. There was one in particular that kept coming back to me and I held it a few times. This was in the Bahammas and it was a one of the most amazing things I have ever done! I loved it! What an awesome reward.. Swimming with Sting Rays in the Bahammas! Hopefully this picture thing works. We'll see.


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Cowgirl UP!



Quit Date:
July 26, 2004

Posts: 5029
Location: Ala

PostPosted: October 5, 2006 10:58 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

All those lightbulb moments were the hardest for me Lady.....I did not like who I had been nor did I like the fear of finding out who I really was....just for the record, when the smoke cleared I was proud of who I saw standing on her own.... hang in there...this too shall pass.
Kay
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