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This is Hard
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Lady



Quit Date:
July 1, 2005

Posts: 378
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: October 13, 2006 1:28 PM    Post subject: This is Hard Reply with quote

I'm reaching out here. I went to the dr the other day and he has diagnoised me with depression. He is in the process of changing some medicine I was taking and slowly putting me on medicine for depression.

I've talked over and over again about how difficult the emotional part of quitting has been for me and been rideculed by people saying I needed professional help. Well, they were right and I was wrong. I have spent the last two days in tears. I have talked to just a couple of people about this because frankly, it is embarrassing. I cannot handle life.

A good friend of mine told me that a pill will not make me happy and to get off my butt and clean my house. Then I will feel better. Another friend said I'm just feeling sorry for myself and that I want attention. Nice stuff huh. I regret telling either of them about the doctor visit.

I feel very alone right now. I feel foolish because I have blamed the quit for not being able to handle my emotions. The doctor said that quitting smoking has nothing to do with it. I'm just sick. Like having Strap Throat or something.

All morning today I was fine. Working, productive and happy... then boom! I come crashing down and I'm in tears again. The ups and downs make me feel insane. I have tried to keep a possitive attitude, think good thoughts and keep my chin up. It just isn't that simple. Self-talk isn't working.

I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn. I do have a couple of on-line support friends but I'm almost afraid to share too much of what I"m feeling with them. I don't want them to think I'm crazy. So..... here I am.
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kannprint



Quit Date:
April 10, 2004

Posts: 4988
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: October 13, 2006 1:35 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whoever made you feel that quitting doesn't play havoc with your emotions just doesn't know. A lot of us have gone through emotional turmoil as a result of quitting.

Lady, it really does get better. It takes time and patience but you'll find that life as a person free of nicotine is wonderful. Does your doctor know that you've quit smoking? He/she may approach your depression in a different manner.

Whatever you do, just know that we're all here for you. Please don't ever feel uncomfortable about posting ANYTHING. No one here is going to judge you -- we've been there and know what you're going through.

Stay strong, my friend.
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Jo
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Lady



Quit Date:
July 1, 2005

Posts: 378
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: October 13, 2006 1:40 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jo

The doctor knows. I've been quit for over 15 months. Quitting has been a difficult journey for me and I've been fighting long and hard to maintain. Emotionally I just haven't done well but I haven't given up. After leaving the Dr office the other day I actually thought what is the point? But I have fought too long and too hard to give up now.

I just thought this was all a result of quitting. I didn't realize I had a mental problem. That has been so hard for me to swallow. It's just hard to realize that I was wrong about the not smoking causing my emotions to be out of control.
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Pamela



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3542
Location: Gardiner, NY

PostPosted: October 13, 2006 2:45 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not a doctor, Lady, but quitting is hard for ANYONE, depressed or not. It's a fact that "normal" people (like addiction is normal!) many times suffer from depression when they quit. I don't understand how your doctor can separate your quitting from your emotions.

Any way, think of this way. If you were blaming your feeling bad on quitting, then logically, the only way to feel "better" would be to smoke. And, as long as you were quit, you would never feel normal.

However, that makes no logical sense at all, and is junky thinking. So, now that you can concentrate on feeling better AND BEING QUIT ...AT THE SAME TIME! Don't feel as if not smoking is somehow holding you back from feeling good.

I think you're doing great with your quit...at least you seem to be working so hard at it and are so determined. I think that you should try some rewards for yourself, and get thinking how strong you are for quitting. You can start small with bubble baths, a nice haircut, SHOES! My personal favorite is CAKE.

Keep posting and feel better!
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RiverdaleMan



Quit Date:
February 17, 2006

Posts: 59
Location: Toronto

PostPosted: October 13, 2006 2:47 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lady

How very brave of you to post this.
I too have suffered from clinical depression in the past. I have taken pills and they did help me to come to a different place.

You are not crazy! You are not wrong! You are not any of the things you say with such vengence! You have a chemical inbalance in your brain. You have something that can be treated by modern medicine in a very gentle and very effective way. Step around those who have ridiculed or made fun, they are ignorant and know not what they do or what harm they can create for others. Take the road less travelled and be above all of that. Please do not let all that "stuff" and I will be frank "BS" effect you and your life and the loving and caring intervention that you are creating in choosing a life of freedom for yourself.

Big big hugs to you. You have been such an amazing and supportive influence in my quit and in my life. I thank you and honour you for all you have contributed to me. Please take some time for you and please heed the advice of your doctor and do the treatment for the depression it can create a wonderous change.

Phillip
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
-

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: October 13, 2006 4:37 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

i'm sure your friends who told you to clean your house had the best of intentions, but they may need a bit of work on the delivery of their supportiveness... Confused

and your doctor is probably right about quitting not having anything to do with your depression, if it's due to chemical imbalance (which i assume it is, since you're talking about treating it with medication instead of house-cleaning Wink ). but it seems likely to me that your smoking masked your depression before, and now that you're not hiding behind the smokescreen any more, it's too hard to ignore.

i'm reminded of a study that i read about a couple of years ago that linked depression and smoking (i can't find the link right now, but you might want to try googling "smoking and depression"); the gist of it was that smokers were more likely to have depression, and people with depression were more likely to be smokers. from this, i might venture a guess that quitting could be a bit harder on people with depression.

finally, just because you have depression doesn't mean you're crazy. i know it's difficult to accept that you need to take medication just to be "normal", but i think it's more like a diabetic taking insulin to be "normal"; there are a lot of chemicals in our bodies (and brains), and they need to be in balance. i'm sure you wouldn't make fun of a diabetic because they have to take medication to treat a chemical imbalance; why label yourself with such a negative stereotype because you need to do bascially the same thing?

as your sig line says, you can't change the past, but you can shape your future to a large degree by the choices you make today. keep choosing life, take your meds, and deal with life's challenges the best way you know how, right here and now; you'll be fine.

(((you)))
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BFS



Quit Date:
October 28, 2005

Posts: 51
Location: Missouri

PostPosted: October 13, 2006 4:47 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lady,

You have achieved so much in the last 15 months! Since you and I started this quitting thing together (just took me longer to get running), I know what you've been through and I know how far you have come! In the last 15 months, you have graduated college, started a new job and have made strides by leaps and bounds in your personal life from where you were just over a year ago. Be proud of yourself! I am!

But just because you need medication to feel normal does not mean that something is "wrong" with you, per se. Look at this as an opportunity to feel like YOU again... instead of there being something wrong with you. You are a very wonderful person who has helped many people beat this addiction. I have seen you fight and I am so proud of you! It's time for YOU to be proud of you too! Smile Here's to you feeling better soon!
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Lady



Quit Date:
July 1, 2005

Posts: 378
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: October 13, 2006 7:10 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the encouragement everyone.

Riverdale man... for some reason you are special to me. I don't know what it is but there is just something about you. Your support and kind words go a lot farther than you know.

Pamela.. I know the junkie within VERY well. It's almost like I have identified a new junkie now. The one that says I'm not worth anything.

Kevin. Thank you. I appreciate your post. I guess maybe that is what I need to hear. That I am normal.

Pam. I may have come a long way but I sure have a long way to go.

I know I need to let go of these feelings and just get back to living my life and letting it be a great place to be, but it just isn't that simple. I feel so alone right now. I've spent several years waiting for this and that to happen. Now I have all I've worked for and I should be happy but I'm not.

I'm fighting this. I'm trying to once again pick up the pieces of my shattered world and put them back together again. It's just so hard to pick them up. I don't even know if I care right now.
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Barbara K.



Quit Date:
December 23, 2004

Posts: 5977

PostPosted: October 13, 2006 9:58 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy {{{Lady}}}

Let me explain to you what mental condition I have. Bi-polar. Bi-polar are ups and downs and is also a chemical imbalance in which I need medicine for. I have had my share of shrinks and therapists and at 1st was mis-diagnosed. I hope you will think about seeing a shrink instead of a family doctor for your condition. A good therapist can be helpful.

When people make fun of me for my bi-polar I tell them I have a certificate for being crazy, what's their excuse. Sorry, it just burns me up for people's ignorance on it. I am having to go to Legal Aid just to get on a waiting list for Section 8 because the manager of the apartments does not want to let me apply due to my bi-polar.

I know exactly what depression feels like to. I ususally cry myself to sleep every night. If you are in a city or near one they usually have support groups for people with depression. I think that may help you. It did me.

You said that you don't really want anything else, that you have everything you want already. Perhaps if something would spark your interest perhaps the depression would get better. A therapist could help you explore this issue.


Hugs,
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Blessings,
Barbara K.
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Lady



Quit Date:
July 1, 2005

Posts: 378
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: October 13, 2006 11:06 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Barbara,

I am totally ignorant when it comes to mental disorders. I by no means meant any offense to anyone. If you took offense to what I said, I sincerly apologize. I don't understand and that is the problem I am having. I took what the doctor said very hard. I am slowly but surely learning about depression, doing a lot of research and trying to understand what is going on.

I have a couple of good friends that are helping me understand and come to terms with what is going on with me. I am trying my best to grab on to the fact that this medicine will help me and I can finally have a balance in my life. It is my lack of knowledge and denial of the fact that this is happening to me.

I am very grateful for the understanding I am receiving. It is encouraging. Much like when I quit smoking. I am sure I will use the same coping skills to get through this. It is a new journey for me. One that I'm not sure where it will lead. I guess I felt the same when I first quit smoking.

Again, I apologize Barbara if I offended you.

Lady
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marw



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3634
Location: Chicago, IL

PostPosted: October 14, 2006 2:08 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Lady,
I don't think Barbara was offended AT you, but that she was offended FOR you, because people around you were not being supportive enough. And she seems to have had some experience with that, also. (Barbara, I hope I am not putting words into your mouth? Confused )

I just wrote a post to BFS about some of my own emotions. Mine were about Anxiety, but I have suffered from Depression also, and do now as well. I would give anything...almost anything, at any rate....if I could take those drugs for Depression. I have tried so many of them and had too many side-effects. I remember when I was a happy person all the time!! And a person who had a wonderful life!! I still do have that wonderful Life, but my perception of it has changed. (And it had nothing to do with smoking.) I'm even aware of it, because it affected my Art Work some. You are not crazy! And neither am I! Brain chemicals do change all the time. And they cause different things to happen in our bodies. I have the same denial problem as you, so I sympathize with this a lot. Personally, I think I have control issues, and I positively hate that I can't control my own brain chemicals.....it seems terribly weak of me somehow....as though I should be able to do it. But recently I've realized I can't, and I have resolved to try harder to take the drugs. I also have Fibromyalgia and IBS, both of which are caused by those unbalanced brain chemicals. There is nothing for us to do but deal with it.

Now the "not caring" part of your post is actually just part of the Depression, and it will change when the Depression lifts. (Been there, done that, as they say.) It takes a couple of weeks or longer for those drugs to work, as I'm sure your doctor told you. Sso do not use that for any reason to smoke. I know you won't.

I have a good friend who suffers from Depression, and she takes one of the anti-depressents for about 6 months, then goes off for a while, then goes on again. The daughter of another friend (who is an adult with kids of her own now) takes meds for this condition also. I thought it was a thing that happens fairly often, and especially to people with lots of brains (how is that for an egotistical statement? Laughing Rolling Eyes ).

Anyway, I hope you will feel free to post here anytime. We are never judgmental on this site, and only want to help each other if we can.

You are such a loving person, it seems to me. And someone who is open and shares herself with others. I greatly admire this quality, and feel blessed that you have come to this site to be with us. Cool Smile

Hugs!!!!!
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Free



Quit Date:
May 12, 2006

Posts: 826
Location: USA

PostPosted: October 14, 2006 5:05 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I ditto Kevin's post.

My hubby found out that smoking had masked adult ADHD. It sure explains a lot of problems he has had over the years. He sounded like you when he found out. And I told him exactly what Kevin told you.

Don't be ashamed girl. Be happy because now that you know what is going on ... now you can do something about it. And doing something about it will help you feel better eventually. Promise!

You can come out on the other side of this stronger and happier than ever. I know as I have been there, done that. Wink

((((((((((((((big hugs for you Lady)))))))))))))))))))))))

Fondly,
Free
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The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.

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Mary Dude



Quit Date:
June 15, 2004

Posts: 4803
Location: Pittsburgh, PA

PostPosted: October 14, 2006 10:06 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lady - Hang in there! Having to acknowlege "depression" is a hard thing to do. That label has a lot of negative conotations - but it really comes down to brain chemistry that is out of whack. Keep going with your research - information and knowledge are powerful. Lots of different ways to treat it...and I think that I self-medicated with nicotine to treat a long standing depression. Nicotine affects brain chemistry - and when I stopped using the nicotine I had to find a better way to tweak the brain chemistry! I encourage you to work with your doctor to find what works for you. Treatments are not a one-size fits all...it may take a bit of trial and error to find that is best for you! Take it one day at a time and things will improve. Joy will creep back into your life as the depression is dealt with.

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Mary D.
Smoke-free one day at a time!
Worry doesn't help tomorrow's troubles, but it does ruin today's happiness!
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Lady



Quit Date:
July 1, 2005

Posts: 378
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: October 14, 2006 8:07 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

MARW.. your post really helped me.

Marydude.. I will keep researching. Free.. I appreciate your support as well.

If no one minds, I'm just going to keep on posting here. Today was a good day. We played a golf scramble for work. It was really a lot of fun and the guys I played with were a hoot! It always feels good to get outside in the fresh air and on the golf course. I don't need medicine, I just need to be able to play golf everyday. There is some good therapy fo you.

A friend of mine had a suprise 50th birthday party tonight. She moved away a few years ago and it has been a long time since I've seen her. I was the suprise guest at her party and that made me feel special. It was great to give clues for her to guess who I was (she couldn't see me). I stayed for a while. I really didn't know anyone there except my friend. Everyone was dancing, talking and having a good time. I kind of felt out of place and politely said my goodbyes and came on home.

Now after an exciting day, I'm coming down... I think it may be time for a hot bubble bath and to turn in for the night before the lonelees set in again. They have a nasty habbit of doing that to me.

Thank you again for your support. I hope no one minds me rambling along here.

Lady
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
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Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: October 14, 2006 9:18 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Smile
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kevin

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