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Lady



Quit Date:
July 1, 2005

Posts: 378
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: February 12, 2007 8:15 PM    Post subject: What do YOU do? Reply with quote

I haven't posted in a while but I don't know where else to go. I'm in a huge funk. It seems no one cares, work is stressful and overwheming and not the job I signed up for back in August. The boys are driving me nuts and I just want to crawl under the covers and hide. I have been doing so much better but now I'm totally losing it! I just keep crying like an idiot.

Have you ever felt all alone in the world? It is the most awful feeling there is. My best friends son (20) died right before Christmas and suddenly I find myself not looking at life the same anymore. This boy was like a child of my own. He and my daughter attended church, school, and family functions together. Our families are integrated. Burrying him was so hard. A good Christian young man.

My 19 year old daughter has moved out and doesn't call often and just called and cancelled coming over tonight. This ofcourse is after she asked me to make her a home made dinner.

Do you ever find yourself wishing you were anyone but you or anywhere but where you are? So many negative thoughts run through my head. Why? What if? Who Cares? Why Again? Does it matter? What difference does it make? Will I ever be normal? Will I ever be ok?

These thoughts just go around and around in my head and I don't know how to make them stop. I use a lot of my not smoking coping skills, like taking deep breaths. It is like the junkie within only instead of telling me that I should smoke, it is telling me that I am worthless.

I don't know how to make it stop. I am in counseling and see the counselor tomorrow. She must think I'm a lune. I don't know where to turn. I don't even know what I want. I'm just a mess right now.

Lady
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iwantosing



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 338
Location: Pennsylvania

PostPosted: February 12, 2007 8:43 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Lady, you sound so sad, it broke my heart. I can get that sad. But you are not without hope and neither are you worthless. You mention you went to church. Your value and worth come directly from being a child of God. There is nothing you can do or not do to change that value He has placed on you. You are expecting to feel better but the fact is you are still mourning the loss of a loved one. Don't despair, hope and peace are around the corner. Make something in memory of the young man, plant a tree. I don't know, but don't insist you get over it. there is a time to mourn. I will keep you in my prayers. God loves you Peg
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My name is Peg, I decided I wanted to sing to the Lord, run with my son, laugh and learn to whistle, the cigs had to go!! Quit Date 3/28/05
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Lady



Quit Date:
July 1, 2005

Posts: 378
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: February 12, 2007 9:00 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Peg. I am way too emotional. I hate it. You are right I am so sad. I just don't know how to stop it. I do still morn the loss of this child but it goes so much deeper than that.

I began having trouble with depression when I quit smoking. It took me over a year to realize it. I am in counseling and trying to so hard to understand but there isn't any understanding. The counselor keeps saying, we will get there. That doesn't help. I don't get it. I don't understand. I am a fairly intelligent person, I'm a professional, I have children and I'm not a kid myself anymore. So what is the deal? Why can't I seem to get it together?
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
November 19, 2001

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: February 12, 2007 10:51 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

  1. get a legal pad and some manila envelopes
  2. the next morning, get up a half-hour earlier than you normally do (don't wake the kids)
  3. go to a spot where you can sit comfortably and write, undisturbed
  4. write until you fill three pages (it doesn't matter what you write; just write whatever comes into your head until you've filled three pages)
  5. tear the three pages off of the pad
  6. put them in a manila envelope
  7. put the envelope in a secret place (this will only work if you write down everything that comes into your head, and you won't do that if you think somebody else is going to be reading it after the fact, so find a good hiding place)
  8. the next morning, get up, fill three pages, put them in the envelope, and put the envelope away
  9. when you fill an envelope, start a new one
  10. do this every morning, whether you want to or not
  11. don't look at any of the pages you write this way for at least a month.
  12. after a month, you can go back and read what you wrote a month ago, or just get rid of those pages. your choice.

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Lady



Quit Date:
July 1, 2005

Posts: 378
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: February 12, 2007 11:24 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

How does that help Kevin?

Is that like the theory... talk it out, write it out.. do whatever it takes just get it out other wise it just keeps going around and around in your head?

Or does it show the progress that is made? I am keeping a journal but I don't write in it every day.
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iwantosing



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 338
Location: Pennsylvania

PostPosted: February 12, 2007 11:35 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kevin's idea is therapeutic (Hi Kevin!!), and might work for you. Writing has helped me. Mostly its time....I don't know how long you have been to a counselor, or how deep your issues are, how honest you are being with yourself, so many variables keep us from healing. For me it was honesty....or the lack of it with myself. Failure to be honest with yourself is common and destructive. I don't have the answers but I do know this.....don't stop the struggle...try what Kevin said, post more often as to your feelings, maybe finding out that what you are going thru is 75% just being human and living life...which will be evident with the responses. Don't despair though....this to will pass, maybe quitting made a chemical problem more intense. But chemicals do change and normalize...maybe more exercise? more vegetables? more prayer? do you have a dog? Keep posting. Many people here will try to help. Peg
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My name is Peg, I decided I wanted to sing to the Lord, run with my son, laugh and learn to whistle, the cigs had to go!! Quit Date 3/28/05
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Lady



Quit Date:
July 1, 2005

Posts: 378
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: February 12, 2007 11:54 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've been seeing the counselor since November. I'm also taking medication. Just being put on the medication itself was a trip down a deep dark spiral for me. It was awful and I had to come to terms with the fact that I needed some help. I keep going once a week to the counselor. It is helping but I just have a hard time understanding why I feel so worthless. There are days that are good. More good than bad lately but the last 2 or 3 days has been pretty yukky. I know we all have our down days. But I have just felt like crying over and over again. I don't really even know why.

I go back to the counselor tomorrow and I will tell her how I have been feeling. I keep telling her I don't understand. She says my main problem is the fact that I am lonely. I have a busy life, a good life. I shouldn't be depressed. I am lonely though. That is a fact but I am not anywhere near as alone as I have been in the past. I don't understand and the counselor just keeps saying it will come. My question is when?

I am also doing a bible study that is really good and is helping me as well called "Lies Women Believe" which is about Christian women and depression. It is an excellent study.

When I feel like this, I just feel like a nut.
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
November 19, 2001

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: February 13, 2007 12:39 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lady wrote:
How does that help Kevin?

Is that like the theory... talk it out, write it out.. do whatever it takes just get it out other wise it just keeps going around and around in your head?

Or does it show the progress that is made? I am keeping a journal but I don't write in it every day.

i don't know that i can explain very well how it helps, but i can assure you that it does. you might think of it this way: negative thought patterns are like pus in a boil. sometimes the best treatment is to lance the boil; to allow the nasty stuff to drain, relieving the pressure. writing as i've suggested, every morning, lances the boil. but you've got to write absolutely whatever comes into your head, and you have to do it every morning for an extended period of time before you feel it start to work.

btw: this isn't something i made up; i got it from a book titled "the artist's way: a spiritual path to higher creativity" by julia cameron (you can pick up a used paperback copy from amazon for under $7, or you might be able to get it at your library).

(hi, peg! good to see you! Smile )
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Hope



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 346

PostPosted: February 13, 2007 7:55 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

kevin wrote:
[list=1][*][*]the next morning, get up a half-hour earlier than you normally do


the early start would be enough to depress me!
I'd be more inclined to tell the family to get up half an hour early and for them to sneak off without waking me for the morning!!Wink
Hope you're feeling better soon lady.
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Lady



Quit Date:
July 1, 2005

Posts: 378
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: February 13, 2007 9:34 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know, this is very serious for me. I am really struggling here. There is a battle going on within me. I love my children, I have a good life, I just wish I could enjoy it. Possitive attitude and perspective may be the key to a happy state of being but it is hard to achieve at times.

I will try your idea Kevin. I quit smoking, I can beat these horrible feeling as well. I go to the counselor today and I have a feeling it will be a long session. I take one day at a time and I keep trying new things until I find what works for me.

Some days I wake up and I'm fine. For three days in a row now, that hasn't been the case. I keep saying "not today! I will not be sad today. No more tears." It doesn't seem to be working.

My good quit smoking buddy just told me..... one day at a time. He has a point. One step at a time was something I said a lot when I quit. So I guess I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I come out on the other side.
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swaneem



Quit Date:
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Posts: 1298
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: February 13, 2007 10:34 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Lady,

One thing that has helped me many times is to start a "gratitude" list. Everyday write down 5 things you are grateful for. They can be as simple as "a good cup of coffee" or "that I can take a breath".

The more you open that door "I'm thankful for...." the more good things will come to you.

Also...for the religious part of you....pick up "The Greatest Miracle In The World" by Og Mandino.

Wishing the best for you...

Donna
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Seabrez



Quit Date:
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Posts: 4458
Location: Gulf Coast

PostPosted: February 13, 2007 3:49 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lady,

You're not alone. You may feel lonely, but you have JC. You mention, that you are a professional, mother, wife, etc, and are wondering why depression has singled you out. It has nothing to do with your status in life...whether you are smart or not, professional or not, etc. It's a lack of hope, and a feeling of despair that causes depression. Feeling overwhelmed and out of control, that causes depression. I've felt like that. It's not fun. And if I may, it results from looking at yourself, and assuming more from life, and expecting other results in life than what you currently have. You are expecting happiness, but life's circumstances are anything but happy. Happiness is based on circumstances. Joy and hope are based on something else. It's based on God and looking beyond our circumstances whether they are great or horrible. It's based on confidence in Him which goes beyond our ownselves. When I look at my current circumstances, I could very, very easily be depressed. (I won't go into details) But, when I look at what I do have that is good, and when I focus on Him, and look to help others, and look beyond "myself", then it is a reason to have hope. I like Donna's gratitude list. And I like Kevin's writing exercise. One thing I've found...it's easy to point fingers, and blame others for our problems...the "if only's", but in reality, we have to face our problems or deep issues from the past, and forgive, learn from the mistakes, and let it go! Past mistakes and past wrongs we have suffered will eat us alive if we continue to dwell on them, or if we continue to bury them and don't deal with it. I know....some issues from the past have surfaced in my quitting process. At first, it ate me alive....talk about the dark side! Yes, it wasn't pleasant thinking about these. And at first, I stewed in it. I blamed in it. I did everything, but FORGAVE! And the more I held on to it...the blacker and darker my feelings became inside, and literally, I became an emotional mess. It wasn't until I faced it, took it to the cross, and forgave it. And I mean really forgive. Not just say, "oh I forgive", but to really mean it inside, down deep. Then, it lifted. And now, when I think about those issues...it doesn't affect me any longer. I can remember the past stuff, but it doesn' affect my emotions and feelings or how I perceive a person. It's done and finished. Just like when Jesus forgave us on the cross and paid the penalty for us....it's done and finished!

Hope this helps, I know that's what I went through for me.

Love and Big Hug (((((((Lady)))))))
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Deb

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 2 Corn 5:17 NASB
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iwantosing



Quit Date:
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Posts: 338
Location: Pennsylvania

PostPosted: February 13, 2007 4:24 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Lady, I hope your counselor was able to help you, either in advice or words of comfort. Depression is serious, and needs to be treated. maybe you need to find someone else if this particular person is not helping. Take care of yourself.....and don't smoke...it won't help. Peg
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My name is Peg, I decided I wanted to sing to the Lord, run with my son, laugh and learn to whistle, the cigs had to go!! Quit Date 3/28/05
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Pamela



Quit Date:
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Posts: 3542
Location: Gardiner, NY

PostPosted: February 13, 2007 4:57 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote



Sending a healing wish your way.
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Idream



Quit Date:
October 9, 2006

Posts: 120
Location: Bethany, OK

PostPosted: February 13, 2007 5:48 PM    Post subject: Hi Lady! Reply with quote

I am so sad you are so sad. I am not preaching or anything like that - I sincerely care about your depression and I have to just tell you one short story - I was depressed all the time - they gave me meds that kept me calm but I stayed depressed all the time...I did a deal like Kevin suggested however I found after a few days I was able to really write down everything that pissed me off about everyone - including me and God - I also had to go to the good will store and buy a bunch of breakable dishes and go outside and break them all - I also had a teddy bear that I carried around as a crutch for months. I did not realize that I had a lot of rage that had been harbored and -I had a lot of trouble letting mine out - it took me many years but once I started dealing with the rage with professional help - I started to heal. Once I started to heal - I was able to find laughter and with help developed coping skills - I was in a group setting and that helped me most. I also was involved with Christian counselors - not just ones on my insurance program. I think of you often and pray for your depression. You just keep on trying Ms. Lady and that Man Upstairs WILL Help you find your way.
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