quit smoking support @ woofmang.com
people helping people beat the addiction to nicotine
 
help support our communityDonate FAQFAQ SearchSearch RSS FeedRSS Feed MemberlistMemberlist RegisterRegister ProfileProfile Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages Log inLog in

Please help...
Goto page 1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    quit smoking support @ woofmang.com Forum Index > and rants
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Anne



Quit Date:
November 25, 2005

Posts: 93
Location: North Dakota

PostPosted: April 30, 2007 11:17 PM    Post subject: Please help... Reply with quote

Hello all...

I hardly ever post, even though I periodically feel very guilty about this, as being well into my second year of quitting I feel like I should be able to offer people more support... BUT I guess I am spiritually lazy, and find myself too often not doing the things I should.

I really feel like I want to smoke right now, it's funny how it creeps up on you in crisis moments even years later. I am crying so hard I can't stand it, I know my eyes will be swollen tomorrow and I will be a mess. It's not anything really, really bad like a death, I just believe that I have finally said the words to my husband that will lead to our separation, and really I have no one to talk to about it. Maybe I will call somebody tomorrow, but for now I am on my own.

I don't even know if I am right or wrong to want to leave him, & don't really have anybody in my circle who I can trust to give me a clear & impartial answer to this. I am mainly a private person in the first place, & the backstory is too complicated (as is the case for everyone) anyhow. It's job related--he's mainly a great guy (in many ways this is true, at any rate)--but is a bit challenged in this department, & has been for a number of years. The long & the short of it is, he quit his job over 3 weeks ago--I think he thought he had a new job but didn't--he jumped the gun, but anyhow, he did not tell me about it, and although he has found something else, I am tired of going through this round of third-rate employment, etc. with him... I don't mean to sound harsh, but we have had talks for years about his needing to engage in some goal-setting, etc. and yet here we are again, having been struggling with no end in sight & his having been dishonest with me again as well (this also is a repeated behavior on his part).

Ah, none of this explains it very well, but that does not matter. I have two real concerns--first I don't know whether my feelings are justified --should I be fed up or not? I can't get it in perspective... and my second concern is that my first thought when feeling so confused & upset & frustrated is for a cigarette--as though for all the time that has passed, I have no other way to deal...

I don't really usually get so emotional or upset--a big part of quitting smoking for me has been chilling out about the things that don't matter, but I am just feeling so weary & tired of being upset right now that I just don't know how to manage it. I have an 8-year-old son, and I just kind of feel like if I don't put my foot down at some point, then I/we (however it turns out) will never make the changes we need to make. We are 10 years into our relationship (married for eight), and still carry forward many of the same problems & destructive behaviors which we were dealing with even that long ago.

Ah, this is the longest thing I have posted anywhere, but I believe I will just go ahead & thank you all in advance--I swear, I never go on like this... I guess it has felt kind of good to write it out, at any rate--but anyhow, thanks for your patience & for listening... I am going to do that thing where you wait for five replies....

Anne
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Backfist



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 340
Location: Rome, Georgia

PostPosted: May 1, 2007 7:05 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Anne, I'm sorry that you've hit this rough spot. First off, don't smoke! It won't help at all. It won't make your husband suddenly be inspired to get a better job. All it will do is make YOU feel even worse by adding another layer of guilt/shame on top of everything else. I like the saying Nothing is so bad smoking won't make it worse.

Second, I believe that we are all entitled to feel how we feel. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel. I also think private people need an outlet for their emotions the most (not smoking!). Have you ever considered keeping a journal? I think they are great for discovering our personal truths--and no one has to see it.

I'm sure that your situation will eventually resolve itself for the best. Beyond that, I can't really advise you much, but I can say Please Don't Smoke!

I am sorry you're having to deal with this, though. I'll bet you'll have your four other replies soon! Hang in there.

Dekie
_________________

quit date: November 21, 2002
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Mary Dude



Quit Date:
June 15, 2004

Posts: 4803
Location: Pittsburgh, PA

PostPosted: May 1, 2007 7:22 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Anne - here's your post# two response - a few more to go! You've used a smoking as your major stress respose for years - and it hasn't been that long that you set them aside - how many years did you smoke? So - just accept that that's a pattern you have a little more "un-doing" to work on. Remember that you have a choice - and just as you have a choice to end a relationship that is making you so unhappy that you need to do something about it - it is your CHOICE. You have to do what is right for you. What do you think smoking will do for you? It will stink. It will be expensive. It will probably make you cough and choke. Chances are it won't live up to your favorable memories of smoking - and it will NOT CHANGE any aspect of your relationship with your husband - except to give him something to use against you - that "ha - I thought you quit!" which isn't part of the issue at hand - but a point of possible confusion. The addiction was a consistent crutch - so its natural to want to return to the familiar. BUT YOU GET TO CHOOSE - so choose wisely. Think it through - look at it objectively beyond that first "puff" - think about the having to buy the second pack and know that you'll have to go through the whole quit process again. How will smoking make anything better?? Let a little time go by before you re-enslave yourself to nicotine. I hope you will think long and hard before you give old Laughing Demon a way back into your life.
_________________

Mary D.
Smoke-free one day at a time!
Worry doesn't help tomorrow's troubles, but it does ruin today's happiness!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Seabrez



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 4458
Location: Gulf Coast

PostPosted: May 1, 2007 8:11 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Anne...Morning! I see you posted this last evening..I'm sorry that you've had to wait till this morning to receive replies.

Please don't smoke! It really and truly isn't worth it. Yes, it's a past coping mechanism, and the addiction just loves to crop up during moments and times we are feeling so bad. Like Mary said...the just one isn't worth the life of control and bondage that goes with it...remember the reasons you quit. Take some deep breathes and maybe take a walk to help release some of that stress that's bottled up inside. It's the stress you are under right now that needs a release....that is really the problem at hand. Smoking just was a way you perceived in the past of relieving that stress. Think of other ways to relieve the stress. One of those hand squeeze balls work great too. And yes, posting is another outlet. It does act as an relief value. And post as much as you like. And the last stress reliever, is a solution or decision concerning an issue at hand that triggers the stress. Anne, what you are facing is so personal. Each of us has different goals and standards and I can not say or judge whether you are justified in your reasons or not. It's something you have to decide for you. You must be at peace with the decision you make. And I guess, that's the answer. Anne...let peace rule in your heart. You feel unsettled right now because you are torn between two choices. Until a decision, that you are completely sure about, is reached you'll feel this unsettledness. And something as complexed and big as this will take some time and soul searching before you come to that decision.

Anne....Big Hugs {{{{{{Anne}}}}}} Just know, that this will all past too, and please just don't smoke. A two year quit is something to be very proud of....please keep it!

With Love, Hugs, and Prayers
_________________

Living in Freedom
Deb

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 2 Corn 5:17 NASB
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
alleghany



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 2049

PostPosted: May 1, 2007 8:19 AM    Post subject: Re: Please help... Reply with quote

Anne wrote:
he did not tell me about it


Dishonesty ~ a deal breaker for me. That said, I do know people can make a decision to change for the better. But, they have to make that decision.

I feel sorry for your son. I know what it is like to grow up in a home with strife and betrayal and constant lies and anger. Crying or Very sad

I know you can get through this without smoking. Just do not let someone else take your life away. (Which is what smoking does.)

You can make your life better. It is your and your son's life.

Sending you good thoughts.
_________________

Face your fears.
Quit date: June 6, 2004
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
kannprint



Quit Date:
April 10, 2004

Posts: 4988
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: May 1, 2007 8:32 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Everyone has said what I was thinking as I read your post, Anne. The only thing left to do is send you a big hug (((((Anne))))).
_________________

LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH.
Jo
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Doggygirl



Quit Date:
February 26, 2007

Posts: 788
Location: Joliet, IL

PostPosted: May 1, 2007 9:50 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

(((((Anne))))))

Please choose to keep your beautiful 2 year quit!!!

We all have to decide individually what is important to us in our relationships. I think it is reasonable to place very high importance on honesty. I also think it is reasonable to expect some goal setting and some job stability. Without that, I suspect it's harder than it would otherwise be to provide a stable home for your son. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if these things are important issues to you, I don't think that's unreasonable.

Best wishes sorting everything out and making a decision about your future.

Beth
_________________

Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same. ~Francesca Reigler
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Chrissy



Quit Date:
April 21, 2007

Posts: 101
Location: ohio

PostPosted: May 1, 2007 10:04 AM    Post subject: Hope your feeling better Reply with quote

Your a gift to yourself so keep your quit and love you !! Hug yourself for me Smile Chrissy~ * Our Lives

Our lives are a journey, not a destination, In all of our lives there are unexpected turns, and many highs and lows. Everything that happens touches our hearts and our souls and shapes us into who we will become. Sometimes these things are not pleasant. They may even hurt as we think about them or as we try to live through them. But that is okay, I will survive and I will be proud of the person I am becoming. And I know over the next horizon awaits an unexpected treasure for me to unwrap.. Myself
_________________

Always In Love and Light
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
swaneem



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 1298
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: May 1, 2007 10:43 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Anne,

It was important that you posted first....before smoking....it shows you really CARE about your quit. I know you won't smoke...it won't help a thing.

Perhaps it will take a step back (separation) to see the whole picture and get a perspective on things. And perhaps family counseling might be of some help.

No matter....taking some action....as you have....will lead you to a different....maybe better place.

Take care of YOU.

Donna
_________________

Just when the caterpillar thought his world was
coming to an end..........God made him a
BUTTERFLY.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Cowgirl UP!



Quit Date:
July 26, 2004

Posts: 5029
Location: Ala

PostPosted: May 1, 2007 10:59 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Anne, I bet you felt a heck of alot better after you hit the post button....don't keep so much inside...a tip a doctor gave me along time ago...it is ok to be private but not to the extent that it causes you pain...

Smoking will not solve any of your problems as you already know...it will however create a few more for you down the road...I understand your predictiment and my heart goes out to you....my own daughter has struggled to many times with men who just did not get it....another helpful hint, if they make fun of Dr. Phil, then watch out for other signs of not being adequate and insecurities.... sending you hugs...
Kay
_________________

All with a little help from my friends, COWGIRL UP
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Zuzu



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 962
Location: Marin

PostPosted: May 1, 2007 12:16 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Anne! Firstly, please don't apologize for talking about how you feel or what's going on. It's great that you got some of it out - I hope just the process of writing it out has helped to organize it in your heart and mind.

I don't think anyone but you can really know if your relationship is one that you need to leave or put more time into. I'm sure folks will have their opinion based on their own life experiences, and that's tremendously useful to hear, but there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to this - only the answers that are right for you. I'm certain there are hundreds of nuances of the situation and additional events wrapped into what you've conveyed here that's lead you to this moment of frustration.

When it comes to the smoking part.. I still had some pretty intense cravings in year two. I thought that was odd, but others confessed that had some pretty tough times there too. So don't think that's so weird.. especially during moments of heightened emotional stuff. I feel like at that point I was just really figuring out how to "like" myself as a non-smoker. Weather through it without smoking and I bet you'll reach an entire new plain re: the smoking stuff.

Back to the relationship stuff. I'm sort of a bottom-line kind of gal. It sounds to me like your frustration is reasonable. If my partner quit his job without telling me or talking it over, I'd be pissed and it would reasonable grounds for an argument and possibly the end of things. In my world, a relationship is about making those kinds of decisions together - realizing that we affect each other. That doesn't mean that he "can't" quit his job if he really hates it, even if I don't "want" him to, but at least we've discussed it beforehand and we at least both know, even if we're not entirely on the same page. Ideally we come to agreements about those types of things beforehand, but no one lives in the ideal world. Of course, we talked about this... we talked about how we wanted to make decisions like that together and agreed on how we would do that - that we would talk about it beforehand... that it one of disagreed that it didn't mean something didn't happen, but that we at least talked it through enough to mitigate friction.

My relationship is far from "perfect" so I can't speak from this place where everything is roses and light -we live in the real world where we disagree from time to time and we do things that piss each other off, etc. I feel like I'm not entitled to provide relationship advice because my track record would raise some eyebrows! But/and it really does sound like your frustrations are reasonable. Only you know what to do with those reasonable feelings. Trust your wisdoms!

-Zuzu
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
-

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: May 1, 2007 12:19 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

of course, you're the only one who can say for sure what you need to do here, but here's a question you can ask yourself to help clarify the answer:

if he never changes, is that o.k. with me?

because, chances are very good that, if the behaviors that you're starting to find unacceptable now have been an issue for 10 years, they're never going to change.

one of the things that happens for almost everyone who quits for any length of time is that the smokescreen starts to lift; for so many years, our coping mechanism was the smokescreen, and now that we don't smoke any more, we start to see things clearly that we used to "smoke away", and that can be scary. in fact, a lot of people go back to smoking so they won't have to face exactly this.

don't be one of them; it doesn't work. eventually, you have to face reality; it's much better to face it head-on, now, and deal with it, than to stuff it behind the smokescreen again and have to deal with it down the road, when you'll be in a worse position to deal with the consequences.

besides, you've had a taste of life beyond the smokescreen now, and you can never go back. not comfortably, anyway...

don't smoke. it won't help you deal with this, and you won't be able to hide it behind the smokescreen for long, either; sooner or later, it's going to have to be resolved.
_________________

keep choosing life!

kevin

the zen of the quit
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Anne



Quit Date:
November 25, 2005

Posts: 93
Location: North Dakota

PostPosted: May 1, 2007 6:05 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahhh..... not just one reply, but 11!!!! I swear, you guys are better than I deserve, and I want to thank everybody for your long & thought out and incredibly sensitive replies....

First off, I did make it through last night without smoking, which after a point I had to tell my husband that that was all I was concerned about doing, at which point he thankfully let things be--as I said, he's really not a bad guy, and knows that the most important thing for my own health/welfare & state of mind is that I DO NOT SMOKE... then I had to work today, & delighted when I got home to see all these beautiful responses.... thank you thank you thank you.......

Dekie--I almost feel like posting was a form of journaling, & so you might be right, it might help to work some of things things out on paper. It's just sometimes hard to get things in perspective, and kind of know if your own motivations are what they should be. & Mary (& Seabrez), yes, I did smoke for (can it be?!) 17 years (I'm just 31) & so I suppose I do have some new habits to learn. It's kind of funny, but it's like being more even-keeled is a benefit of NOT smoking--I mean seriously, I don't get upset about nearly as much stuff--so when I did face an upsetting moment there, I guess it is only natural that I go back to that kind of ingrained/habit response.... thanks.....

As far as my relationship goes, Allegheny & Donna & Zuzu... it's a tough one. I'm a little embarrassed now that I did get so personal, I swear, I always keep it positive with people & never kind of air my dirty laundry, which I suppose is why I ended up flipping out & posting like mad here, because truly it's not my style to call somebody up & make them listen to me when I am upset--after all, you guys could just stop reading (which I am glad you did not).... Ah but that is neither here nor there, & Zuzu you are right, the issues are too complicated ("hundreds of nuances" I think was your phrase, it's just very hard to get things in perspective. Unfortunately, this is kind of a repeat behavior (if it were the first time we have gone through something very similar I would not be nearly so upset)... BUT it is what it is....

Donna, you mention separation, & I think that is probably what we are heading toward... I don't feel ready for it to be over completely, & truly I love my husband very much, but on the other hand I have witnessed certain behaviors or patterns which we seem to engage in for far too long (Kevin, you are right! 10 years is a long time...), and with things as they are, I just don't see that we bring out the best in each other. As far as anything goes, a separation might also allow us to evaluate a bit more clearly--I had my son almost immediately after college, & since that time my husband & I have been struggling together, but I sometimes feel like half the reason we have stayed together is that we feel like we couldn't afford to separate, and that is not a good reason. A little independence for both of us might be just the thing.

SO.... that being said, I may be posting a bit more frequently if I am serious about going through this kind of change... ah, let me see if this time I can keep a resolution about being a bit more proactive in helping those who are not so far on this beautiful NONSMOKING path as I am fortunate enough to be.

And Kevin, thank you--I've kind of liked that phrase "life beyond the smokescreen" for the years I have been coming to this site now without fully understanding it , but I think in your post to me you explained it very well--

Quote:
one of the things that happens for almost everyone who quits for any length of time is that the smokescreen starts to lift; for so many years, our coping mechanism was the smokescreen, and now that we don't smoke any more, we start to see things clearly that we used to "smoke away", and that can be scary. in fact, a lot of people go back to smoking so they won't have to face exactly this.


Sometimes you just need to read something in the right moment to "get it," but yes, this issue regarding some "problem areas" between my husband & myself is one that I want to smoke away & not face, hence the incredible urge last night (& let me not get too flippant here but also prepare for those in the future)....

Ah, thank you all SO MUCH.... I am sorry that this post is so long as well, I just wanted to take this time to at least sort of reply to everybody who was kind enough to respond to me.

thank you all so very much....

anne
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
essie662



Quit Date:
April 14, 2004

Posts: 3388
Location: MI

PostPosted: May 1, 2007 6:40 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Anne, Just wanted to add my {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} with everyone else's advice. Take care of YOU!
_________________

Essie
4/14/04
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Doggygirl



Quit Date:
February 26, 2007

Posts: 788
Location: Joliet, IL

PostPosted: May 2, 2007 12:31 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Anne, I'm really glad you posted back. I wish you a peaceful feeling inside as you work through the stuff you are working through. I'm so glad you chose not to smoke.

(((Anne)))

Beth
Day 65
_________________

Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same. ~Francesca Reigler
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    quit smoking support @ woofmang.com Forum Index > and rants All times are GMT - 4 Hours
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

quit smoking support
woofmang dot com