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Seabrez



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 4458
Location: Gulf Coast

PostPosted: September 15, 2007 9:21 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mickey,

What you are feeling right now is betrayal. A man and woman were designed to cleave to one another....to love and be intimate...and that initimacy is more than lovemaking. The intimacy is the deep sharing of one's self with their spouse and mate.

You feel betrayed because the close, personal things that he should be sharing with you, he is now sharing with others. It's like a form of adultery of the soul. A invasion on the union between the two of you.

With that said....DON"T go accusing him and nagging him. On the flip side....a guy needs friends, just like us girl's need friends.

I would be concerned about the "secret and hiding" part of his involvement with the chat board. But, I know for me, Woofmang, has at times interfered with Hubby's time....and he doesn't much care for that. So, I have to be understanding of his needs and cool it on the boards sometimes. Also, remember, we are healing and overcoming an addiction. And alot of people, instead of overcoming addiction itself, just switch addictive substances.....for example....from smoking to eating instead. It could very well be that he has become addicted to this new board....that would explain the secret and compelling need to go to the board late at night, etc.

Advise...well, it's hard....but be gentle, and loving through it. Being too harsh may push him away, but you need to let him know how you feel.

I like the word that states....."speaking the truth in gentleness". Anger, and hurt will only lead to hard words and actions that wound. When you talk to him...make sure your own heart is free of these. And then go from there.

Big Hugs
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Deb

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 2 Corn 5:17 NASB
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kevin
Site Admin


Quit Date:
-

Posts: 9538
Location: cincinnati, oh

PostPosted: September 15, 2007 1:24 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

a lot of people find it easier to talk about their troubles with a stranger, mickey - and us men are trained from a very young age that we have to be the "strong" ones - it could be that he has a tough time talking to you about his troubles, because he's supposed to be strong for you, but it's ok to share them with strangers.

i'd suggest you let him know that it's ok to tell you things, but don't insist on it; if he thinks you're pushing on it too much, he may pull back further, where if you just let him know you're there for him, and let him come to you in his own way and his own time, he'll feel better about it.
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kevin

the zen of the quit
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marw



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 3634
Location: Chicago, IL

PostPosted: September 16, 2007 2:41 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I'm not sure I'm really qualified to answer on this...but I'm giving it a shot. Just my opinion. But it sounds to me like the both of you are just having the normal withdrawal emotional feelings. They can get very strong! They are not real, usually, but seem very larger than Life because of the psychological part of the withdrawal.

I had problems, too. We all did, I think. Kevin seems to have a good slant on the guy's side of things.

Frankly, I cried a lot, used to get in the tub so the neighbors wouldn't hear, and felt sorry for myself. But I never did let it break my quit, not even when my "usually nice" brother had the temerity to say: "You were nicer when you smoked!" Or something like that! He apologized later.....he's really a nice guy and he knows better than to nag at someone who is trying to quit. He was once a smoker also and went through all the withdrawal. Seems to me I remember him withdrawing, too, but I'm not sure. I think I will ask him when I talk to him again.

I sympathize with you, and don't blame you a bit. I know I would feel the same way. But maybe give it a bit longer. Hopefully things will change.

Meantime, do nice things for yourself. Buy perfume, take bubble baths, shop (my personal favorite! Laughing ) or anything that makes you feel good.

and keep posting here so we know how you are doing.

You're a terrific person. Very Happy I'm sure your hubby knows that. After all, he picked YOU, not cyber space, as a life companion.

btw: Of course, I might be tempted to burn his breakfast...if I was even making it! No, don't listen to me! THat is a joke only! Laughing Cool

hmmmm....shutting up now!! Rolling Eyes

Keep on going! and HUG to you! Smile Smile Smile
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Patty129



Quit Date:
February 18, 2007

Posts: 828
Location: Saginaw, MI

PostPosted: September 16, 2007 9:22 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Mickey.....My husband and I quit within two days of each other also. I'm a "processer" and he is the "strong silent type" although he was always good about trying to talk about our quit when I needed to do that. But one thing he did share with me, was that he didn't think about smoking much until I would bring it up. So, I tried to step back from asking him to talk about it as much as I normally would have asked him to do that.....for the sake of his quit.
But, something else that I read, having to do with quitting addictions to drugs, that I've had to keep in mind a time or two.....when we quit a substance, and no longer get the "pleasure/adrenaline/dopamine" or whatever, we have to be careful not to create situations like fights and arguments to stimulate all that chemistry that we were use to having in our bodies......that little piece of information has kept me thinking and has helped me stop myself from saying some things that could have gotten my adrenaline going big time......so just some food for thought.
I truly hope the two of you can get this resolved and that you both hang on to your quits.
Patty
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Nosmoex



Quit Date:
July 4, 2007

Posts: 198

PostPosted: September 17, 2007 6:34 PM    Post subject: his/her quits Reply with quote

Mickey, I will not pretend to know anything about your situation, but as long as hubby dearest is keeping a good quit, let it be. Every smoker seems to smoke for all the same reasons as the next smoker....Quits, however, are very unique to each individual and what works for Johnny may not work for Susie. Reading and posting works for me personally because it affords me many different views and opinions from various quitters and allows me to see myself in other peoples situations and notice the similarities between myself and others. Hubby almost certainly knows your smoking story and maybe he needs the company of others to go along with it. You two are blessed to have one another's quits to fall back on. Hope you feel a little better about things soon.
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Cowgirl UP!



Quit Date:
July 26, 2004

Posts: 5029
Location: Ala

PostPosted: September 25, 2007 12:50 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, from past experience, Laughing Laughing I would say he is in his 30's or early 40's am I close???/ if so just hang on it is a whole new ballgame when they turn 50.....something clicks and life becomes kinder...all across the board or boards shall I say...
Kay
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Tammy



Quit Date:
February 16, 2004

Posts: 2565
Location: Florida

PostPosted: September 25, 2007 9:07 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mickey, You are young quitters. Maybe he just needs the extra support (from the boards) right now. Everyone handles the quit in different ways? When I first quit I was glued to the boards. Just a thought?
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Tammy
Free and loving it!
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