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Marigrrl
Quit Date: December 1, 2010
Posts: 894 Location: New York
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Posted: November 5, 2007 1:04 PM Post subject: UGH ! |
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Well.. I don't know where to start, but I messed up.. big time.
basically almost 1 year and I entered relapse city! -__-
I am restarting my quit right now...
it just sucks.
I feel like I am mourning by last 10-11 months of my quit now.
I am just so angry with myself at giving in to temptation when things got rough.
its just SO ANNOYING.
I had all these little voices in my head...rational ones that were saying.. No you don't want to smoke, dont do it, its not going to help..and then this other that was like "WHO CARES!" "F$$$ IT!".
I thought it would make things better, or i'd feel happier, or who knows. just falling back on a crutch that got me through things in the past, and I know its stupid.
I owe it to myself to just move forward at this point, it just makes me sad b/c I feel like I really really messed it all up.
I almost feel like I messed up so much that I can't continue, but I know thats a lie too.
sigh. _________________
Follow Your Bliss |
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jlynn931
Quit Date: September 22, 2016
Posts: 785 Location: MA
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Posted: November 5, 2007 2:16 PM Post subject: |
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sorry to hear that you relapsed. good to see that you jumped right back into the quit! try not to think too much about the past, what's done is done. just stick with it. you can definitely do this.
jenny |
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Zuzu
Quit Date: -
Posts: 962 Location: Marin
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Posted: November 5, 2007 2:35 PM Post subject: |
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I think it's a really great/healthy thing to explore what you thought/hoped/expected smoking again would make you feel, and what/how it actually left you feeling in the aftermath. Did it meet your hopes and expectations? For myself, I found that when I focused on what I hoped to gain from the relapse in light of what it actually felt like, it became "easier" to resist relapse knowing it wasn't going to "deliver" on the promises I'd embued it with.
Sure I'd LIKE to feel happy, relieved, calm, rested, whatever.... but that's not REALLY what relapsing is going to help me to feel... when I got THAT through my thick skull (a gazillion relapses later) and got AS TIRED of relapsing as I was of smoking... it didn't become "easier" necessarily, but it altered the options when I felt like giving up - For example, when I was jonsing for a smoke and feeling angry of frustrated and had that fleeting thought that I could handle the anger better if I smoked... I'd remind myself that wasn't true, I had years of experience and numerous relapses to prove it wasn't going to make things better... so what little thing could I do to address my need... (Cake is the answer to many ailments... and now that cupcakes are in vogue... ALL the better! And massage.. in truth, getting a massage was the answer to many woes.)
I know you'll figure this out. Good luck!
-Zuzu |
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machias
Quit Date: September 17, 2007
Posts: 94 Location: Florida
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Posted: November 5, 2007 3:14 PM Post subject: silver lining |
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There is always a silver lining in all mistakes we make. I thought my last quit was really strong and was shocked when I slipped. But the silver lining is this time I know what it felt like to be smoke free and how awful I felt when I slipped and had to start over. So when days get hard with this quit-I focus in on that day when I slipped the last time-No way do I want to go back there.
So today (Novemeber 5, 2007) could be the best day for you-it is all how you look at things !!! |
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Seabrez
Quit Date: -
Posts: 4458 Location: Gulf Coast
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Posted: November 5, 2007 7:13 PM Post subject: Re: UGH ! |
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Marigirl wrote: |
and then this other that was like "WHO CARES!" "F$$$ IT!".
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That has been the downfall of many of my quits and the opening door of relapse. Long sigh! I can really relate to what Zu said....the whole relapse isn't the hype we can really play it up to be...and like she said, once we get that straight, we are better able to handle those moments of UGH!! that seem to come with life...the "what the hell's, the what's the use, and the oh, I just give up" type of thoughts. It's reaching the end of the rope, and the only thing that seemed to give us any relief was that smoking thought. So wrong, but live and learn, and realize that it's not "all that".
Been there too many times. Grant it...my quits weren't as long as yours, but the same basic thought sabbotages...regardless of the length of quit. Those emotions jerk the chain of our rational thoughts and overwhelm and then take over. And only when we stop ourselves , even in the mist of such an onslaught of dispare, realizing that what awaits is not bliss, will we continue making the right choice of no, not now!
Mari....continue on and stop mourning, but look forward....not behind. It's done, it's considered in the past now...but you have today...and that is where the choice is made!
Big Hugs |
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kevin Site Admin
Quit Date: -
Posts: 9538 Location: cincinnati, oh
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Posted: November 5, 2007 11:55 PM Post subject: |
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i like zuzu's approach, too, mari; dig deep, learn what you can from the experience, and keep moving. be free again. _________________
keep choosing life!
kevin
the zen of the quit |
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Mary Dude
Quit Date: June 15, 2004
Posts: 4803 Location: Pittsburgh, PA
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Posted: November 6, 2007 3:01 AM Post subject: |
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totally agree - never quit quitting...just because you smoked doesn't mean you have to keep smoking....get right back on track - and learn the lesson so it doesn't trip you next time....and think how much of a break you gave your body and your lungs and how good it felt most of the time to not be tied to a cigarette....its yours again for the taking....choose wisely Mariko - and come back here when you need to a little extra encouragement! _________________
Mary D.
Smoke-free one day at a time!
Worry doesn't help tomorrow's troubles, but it does ruin today's happiness!
Last edited by Mary Dude on November 7, 2007 2:59 AM; edited 1 time in total |
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Marigrrl
Quit Date: December 1, 2010
Posts: 894 Location: New York
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Posted: November 6, 2007 7:09 PM Post subject: |
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wow thank you guys soo much for responding and writing messages!
I read them all, and I feel better!
Well I haven't smoked , although the thought has been there... sigh..
Its just getting back on the horse and continuing!
For some reason I always knew one day at a time was key, but it never really made me feel better till now... now when I think of it.. I'm like.. ok its 6pm.. I go to bed usually by 11pm or so.. I can make it the next few hours, no big deal... It seems much easier to just look at it in little steps this time. I guess everytime it changes a little.
Well i'm sipping on green tea, eating leftover halloween candy! Its not that bad.. I did learn that smoking didn't help anything...and that my body completed rejected it, the coughing...the foul taste etc.. it made me realize that its gross, now I'm just fighting off whatever addict I sparked up in my brain that wants me to answer it, but I keep ignoring..eating candy! hahaha.
I'm just going to relax tonight, and read..take a bath..and remember not to stress out.. stress is definitely something I need to learn to cope with better.
Thanks everyone for your replies and support, it means a lot to me! _________________
Follow Your Bliss |
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Leona
Quit Date: June 1, 2017
Posts: 1838 Location: Alpena, Michigan
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Posted: November 6, 2007 10:23 PM Post subject: |
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You have done it once you can do it again ... REmember we are here for you don't stress about the quit long gone but look forward to the future one that you will succeed in _________________
Quiting smoking is like a fine wine ......
It just gets better with age. |
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Marigrrl
Quit Date: December 1, 2010
Posts: 894 Location: New York
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Posted: November 7, 2007 1:33 PM Post subject: |
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yes your right...
I really need to take some time to re-evaulate everything and get to the bottom of this.
I don't feel strong right now.
This quit already feels weaker than in the past.
It feels harder than before and I don't know. I get freaked out looking at my quit date...
I am going to take a few days, re-evaluate, reflect and come back. I need to make my own personal map again, and re-list all my reasons for quitting and make it strong b/c I really feel shaky about it all.
My boyfriend is very supportive, I mean he quit smoking and I told him what happened scared that he would go back too, and hes pushing me to keep strong.
I just need some time. _________________
Follow Your Bliss |
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Seabrez
Quit Date: -
Posts: 4458 Location: Gulf Coast
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Posted: November 7, 2007 4:57 PM Post subject: |
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Marigold,
It's wise to look over the reasons, etc leading to the relapse. But you can do that while staying quit and not smoking. You may not feeling so confident and strong right now, but it's the addiction working on you. It happened, but it doesn't control you. You still make the choice.
I say this, because during those past relapses, it was all too easy to keep making excuses to continue smoking. The addiction seems to work overtime right after a lapse. But it can be stopped, it's all in your power of choice....whether you feel strong or not. It's a matter of just not smoking. So search your heart and re-establish those reasons to stay quit, but do it while you stay quit. With each day, you will grow stronger!!
Look at it as it is....just a temporary lapse!!
Hugs! _________________
Living in Freedom
Deb
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 2 Corn 5:17 NASB |
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Marigrrl
Quit Date: December 1, 2010
Posts: 894 Location: New York
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Posted: November 11, 2007 2:38 AM Post subject: |
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Deb, your right 100%!
It is a choice, and I definitely don't feel strong right now.
Its crazy how this can happen >_<!
sigh....
I'm going to try again, even though I feel a bit unsure...I just have to rebuild my confidence again.
Going to start hell week now haha ^^. _________________
Follow Your Bliss |
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Seabrez
Quit Date: -
Posts: 4458 Location: Gulf Coast
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Posted: November 11, 2007 9:39 AM Post subject: |
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Mari....GOOD FOR YOU!!!
Stay positive, and deep breathing....you can do this, regardless what the junkie/demon says!! Seriously....take it just one day at a time or a moment at a time. It's not about strength...it's about patience....just wait it out...anything that may come will also pass.
I know you are able...just continue to make the choice of freedom!! And stay close to the boards for reinforcement.
Love ya and Big Hugs _________________
Living in Freedom
Deb
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 2 Corn 5:17 NASB |
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kevin Site Admin
Quit Date: -
Posts: 9538 Location: cincinnati, oh
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Posted: November 11, 2007 12:35 PM Post subject: |
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concentrate on the process, mariko; we can't always control results, but we can always control the process.
freedom is the journey. _________________
keep choosing life!
kevin
the zen of the quit |
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Cowgirl UP!
Quit Date: July 26, 2004
Posts: 5029 Location: Ala
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Posted: November 11, 2007 9:33 PM Post subject: |
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I am proud of you....look how fast you were able to say "I messed up" and be strong enough to jump right back on the path to freedom...that is a giant step forward my dear...you will make it.....you now know in your heart as well as your mind where you want to go and who you want to be.
Kay _________________
All with a little help from my friends, COWGIRL UP |
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