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Assertive Communication
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Snowlover



Quit Date:
-

Posts: 566
Location: Northern California

PostPosted: February 13, 2006 2:59 PM    Post subject: Assertive Communication Reply with quote

This is a pure rant - just needed to get this out.
I'm on Session 6 of FFS Classroom. This class was on not responding agressively or passively if someone tempts you to light up. On leaving the class I stated that no one was going to ask me to.
However, I was sabotaged once again by my husband who brought cigs into the house and then lied about it saying he hadn't bought any. For me that is the same thing as being asked.
It turned into a different kind of challenge to communicate assertively.
I failed. Mostly the failure was due to my hubby's very fragile emotional state right now. Because he is trying very hard to quit smoking also. He hasn't had as much practice as I have.
I just wanted to talk to him and share some of the things I'd learned about quitting. He takes any comments from me as nagging.
I was really, really mad at him and just felt like screaming at him. But, I
didn't. I was trying to think of something to say that let him know that I was angry with him. I can usually be a little bitchy with him and he gets over it. Sure can't do that right now. And, I don't want to anyway.
So, guess I'll just keep trying to communicate calmly without being too passive.
K
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Seabrez



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Posts: 4458
Location: Gulf Coast

PostPosted: February 13, 2006 3:52 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kaye,

Whoa...that's a tough one. You do need to speak and not bottle yourself up, but with patience, because don't want to turn him against quitting either. It's one of those touchy situtations.

But bottomline, it's his choice. You can ask him what is tempting him to smoke...maybe helping him with the triggers and backdoors in a round about way. Or it could be that he just isn't "really" ready to quit yet, and doesn't want to let you down.

So, the best you can do is to just concentrate on your quit and set the example in a quiet manner. No preaching, nagging, or guilt trips...just let him be...and hopefully he'll come around and confide in you about getting quit and staying quit.

Hang in there....one day at a time.

Hugs
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Deb

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 2 Corn 5:17 NASB
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Pamela



Quit Date:
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Posts: 3542
Location: Gardiner, NY

PostPosted: February 13, 2006 4:08 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kay, sounds like the "Herd Mentality" again. (See Kevin's Tales). You can't drag anyone kicking and screaming along with you on this ride, you have to get through this on your own.

Make it very clear...very clear...that you will not tolerate smoking in the house, or cigs left in plain sight, or they will be promptly disposed of in a manner that will render them unusuable in the future. Your husband should get the message after you mutilate a few packs for him.

Sometimes, it takes having a friend or spouse see you go through the process, and be on the winning side, to convince them to join you. If you continue to stay strong, hubby may just decide to join you...but it has to be 100% his decision and his quit.


I was very fortunate that two weeks into my quit, Mr. Bill (hubby) announced that he was quitting as well. He said he never would have been able to quit if I hadn't as well. Rejoice if this happens to you, but understand that if it doesn't you need to respect his choice to smoke. ....just not in your space.
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kannprint



Quit Date:
April 10, 2004

Posts: 4988
Location: St. Louis, MO

PostPosted: February 13, 2006 5:11 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

It sounds like he isn't really ready to commit to quitting just yet. I can't imagine how difficult it is to live with a smoker (although my husband lived with me for probably 20+ years after he quit).

Just take good care of yourself and your quit. He'll come along when he decides it's time. Confused
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Jo
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Deb



Quit Date:
February 5, 2010

Posts: 967
Location: North Carolina (Originally New York)

PostPosted: February 13, 2006 5:36 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Jo, He's not ready to quit yet. I know, that we cannot force another to quit not until they are good and ready. My Husband still smokes and was going to quit with me. Well, I ask him everyday and he keeps saying soon. Yeah, yeah not. I am not asking him anymore because I feel like a royal pain in the A--. The good thing is that he does not smoke in the house nor bring his cigs in with him.

Hang on and keep up the great work. Wink

Deb
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Melody



Quit Date:
August 19, 2004

Posts: 1103
Location: Ontario

PostPosted: February 13, 2006 5:52 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Assertive is fine and dandy but since he is likely supposed to be assertive as well it's likely to go domestic. Hubby and I Quit at the same time and agreed at the start if we had nothing good to say not to say anything at all. I don't think I said 10 words to him the first month. Very Happy His Quit was not hinged on mine although I prayed he'd fail as at that time I was weak and would have likely joined him. Well we are both so stubborn it became competitive and not one of us would loose to the other. In the end we both WON. Now that's team work. Whip a snowball at the back of his head but only in your mind. Wink
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jahunta



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PostPosted: February 13, 2006 5:59 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm with Pamela on this one. I did this all on my own, and though my partner at the time said he was going to, he didn't. He used to offer me cigarettes. He wanted me to start again. I didn't of course, but he was just as not helpful. You gots to do this for you. He cannot come with you unless he is willing to do so. Concentrate on you. This is your journey.

J
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Snowlover



Quit Date:
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Posts: 566
Location: Northern California

PostPosted: February 13, 2006 8:49 PM    Post subject: THANKS Reply with quote

As usual you guys are all right. I'll trust you again.

I'm just going to do my own thing. And, I did great today!

Kaye Very Happy
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Leona



Quit Date:
June 1, 2017

Posts: 1838
Location: Alpena, Michigan

PostPosted: February 13, 2006 9:04 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kaye,

This is a doable thing even if hubby is smoking. I had 2 smokers in my house when I quit and I booted them outside so that they were not smoking in front of me or smelling up the house with cigarette smoke so thus I did not smell it.

Don't give up you can do this.
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marw



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Location: Chicago, IL

PostPosted: February 13, 2006 11:14 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good for you,K!!!!!! You are getting the hang of it. It would be really hard to quit and be a polite and gracious person at the same time! Shocked I'd sure be willing to bet that's never been done! Laughing

The others are right...he just has to keep his cigs out of sight and go outside to smoke them. I had to do that for years when I was a smoker, and actaully you know I think it helped when I did quit. Finallly.....no more creeping about in the dark and the cold! Laughing

Just stay strong....he will be fine. As you know it really is hard to make that decision to quit and then do it, so cut him some slack. He'll stop when he's ready. And the best thing is, he will already have a wife who doesn't smoke!! Very Happy
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Snowlover



Quit Date:
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Posts: 566
Location: Northern California

PostPosted: February 17, 2006 3:20 PM    Post subject: Thanks Reply with quote

Thanks Margaret, Leona and all of you.


Kaye
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Snowlover



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Posts: 566
Location: Northern California

PostPosted: March 12, 2008 4:33 PM    Post subject: Two Years Later Reply with quote

Wow, I just found this RANT I did 2 years ago. I've come a long way. My hubby is still trying to quit and not doing well with it. But, this time I don't care. I mean I care in that I still want him to focus on his health. But, it doesn't effect MY QUIT. I'm still vulnerable. I still can't have him leaving packs laying around - that's too much for me to handle right now. But I'm sure proud that I am quitting this time as MY CHOICE. I choose to live.

Kaye
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Pamela



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PostPosted: March 12, 2008 5:11 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy
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kevin
Site Admin


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PostPosted: March 12, 2008 8:50 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

good for you, kaye - keep up the good work! Smile
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Barbara K.



Quit Date:
December 23, 2004

Posts: 5977

PostPosted: March 13, 2008 2:44 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Glad to hear you sounding better now.
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Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.

Blessings,
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