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Snowlover
Quit Date: -
Posts: 566 Location: Northern California
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Posted: February 13, 2006 2:59 PM Post subject: Assertive Communication |
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This is a pure rant - just needed to get this out.
I'm on Session 6 of FFS Classroom. This class was on not responding agressively or passively if someone tempts you to light up. On leaving the class I stated that no one was going to ask me to.
However, I was sabotaged once again by my husband who brought cigs into the house and then lied about it saying he hadn't bought any. For me that is the same thing as being asked.
It turned into a different kind of challenge to communicate assertively.
I failed. Mostly the failure was due to my hubby's very fragile emotional state right now. Because he is trying very hard to quit smoking also. He hasn't had as much practice as I have.
I just wanted to talk to him and share some of the things I'd learned about quitting. He takes any comments from me as nagging.
I was really, really mad at him and just felt like screaming at him. But, I
didn't. I was trying to think of something to say that let him know that I was angry with him. I can usually be a little bitchy with him and he gets over it. Sure can't do that right now. And, I don't want to anyway.
So, guess I'll just keep trying to communicate calmly without being too passive.
K |
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Seabrez
Quit Date: -
Posts: 4458 Location: Gulf Coast
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Posted: February 13, 2006 3:52 PM Post subject: |
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Kaye,
Whoa...that's a tough one. You do need to speak and not bottle yourself up, but with patience, because don't want to turn him against quitting either. It's one of those touchy situtations.
But bottomline, it's his choice. You can ask him what is tempting him to smoke...maybe helping him with the triggers and backdoors in a round about way. Or it could be that he just isn't "really" ready to quit yet, and doesn't want to let you down.
So, the best you can do is to just concentrate on your quit and set the example in a quiet manner. No preaching, nagging, or guilt trips...just let him be...and hopefully he'll come around and confide in you about getting quit and staying quit.
Hang in there....one day at a time.
Hugs _________________
Living in Freedom
Deb
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 2 Corn 5:17 NASB |
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Pamela
Quit Date: -
Posts: 3542 Location: Gardiner, NY
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Posted: February 13, 2006 4:08 PM Post subject: |
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Kay, sounds like the "Herd Mentality" again. (See Kevin's Tales). You can't drag anyone kicking and screaming along with you on this ride, you have to get through this on your own.
Make it very clear...very clear...that you will not tolerate smoking in the house, or cigs left in plain sight, or they will be promptly disposed of in a manner that will render them unusuable in the future. Your husband should get the message after you mutilate a few packs for him.
Sometimes, it takes having a friend or spouse see you go through the process, and be on the winning side, to convince them to join you. If you continue to stay strong, hubby may just decide to join you...but it has to be 100% his decision and his quit.
I was very fortunate that two weeks into my quit, Mr. Bill (hubby) announced that he was quitting as well. He said he never would have been able to quit if I hadn't as well. Rejoice if this happens to you, but understand that if it doesn't you need to respect his choice to smoke. ....just not in your space. _________________
FIVE + years of freedom and loving it! |
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kannprint
Quit Date: April 10, 2004
Posts: 4988 Location: St. Louis, MO
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Posted: February 13, 2006 5:11 PM Post subject: |
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It sounds like he isn't really ready to commit to quitting just yet. I can't imagine how difficult it is to live with a smoker (although my husband lived with me for probably 20+ years after he quit).
Just take good care of yourself and your quit. He'll come along when he decides it's time. _________________
LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH.
Jo |
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Deb
Quit Date: February 5, 2010
Posts: 967 Location: North Carolina (Originally New York)
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Posted: February 13, 2006 5:36 PM Post subject: |
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I agree with Jo, He's not ready to quit yet. I know, that we cannot force another to quit not until they are good and ready. My Husband still smokes and was going to quit with me. Well, I ask him everyday and he keeps saying soon. Yeah, yeah not. I am not asking him anymore because I feel like a royal pain in the A--. The good thing is that he does not smoke in the house nor bring his cigs in with him.
Hang on and keep up the great work.
Deb |
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Melody
Quit Date: August 19, 2004
Posts: 1103 Location: Ontario
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Posted: February 13, 2006 5:52 PM Post subject: |
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Assertive is fine and dandy but since he is likely supposed to be assertive as well it's likely to go domestic. Hubby and I Quit at the same time and agreed at the start if we had nothing good to say not to say anything at all. I don't think I said 10 words to him the first month. His Quit was not hinged on mine although I prayed he'd fail as at that time I was weak and would have likely joined him. Well we are both so stubborn it became competitive and not one of us would loose to the other. In the end we both WON. Now that's team work. Whip a snowball at the back of his head but only in your mind. _________________
I'm a NON-SMOKER thanks to everyone here |
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jahunta
Quit Date: -
Posts: 1129 Location: Silicon(e) Valley, CA
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Posted: February 13, 2006 5:59 PM Post subject: |
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I'm with Pamela on this one. I did this all on my own, and though my partner at the time said he was going to, he didn't. He used to offer me cigarettes. He wanted me to start again. I didn't of course, but he was just as not helpful. You gots to do this for you. He cannot come with you unless he is willing to do so. Concentrate on you. This is your journey.
J _________________
Quitting is Living!!!
QD: 2/15/04 |
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Snowlover
Quit Date: -
Posts: 566 Location: Northern California
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Posted: February 13, 2006 8:49 PM Post subject: THANKS |
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As usual you guys are all right. I'll trust you again.
I'm just going to do my own thing. And, I did great today!
Kaye |
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Leona
Quit Date: June 1, 2017
Posts: 1838 Location: Alpena, Michigan
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Posted: February 13, 2006 9:04 PM Post subject: |
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Kaye,
This is a doable thing even if hubby is smoking. I had 2 smokers in my house when I quit and I booted them outside so that they were not smoking in front of me or smelling up the house with cigarette smoke so thus I did not smell it.
Don't give up you can do this. _________________
Quiting smoking is like a fine wine ......
It just gets better with age. |
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marw
Quit Date: -
Posts: 3634 Location: Chicago, IL
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Posted: February 13, 2006 11:14 PM Post subject: |
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Good for you,K!!!!!! You are getting the hang of it. It would be really hard to quit and be a polite and gracious person at the same time! I'd sure be willing to bet that's never been done!
The others are right...he just has to keep his cigs out of sight and go outside to smoke them. I had to do that for years when I was a smoker, and actaully you know I think it helped when I did quit. Finallly.....no more creeping about in the dark and the cold!
Just stay strong....he will be fine. As you know it really is hard to make that decision to quit and then do it, so cut him some slack. He'll stop when he's ready. And the best thing is, he will already have a wife who doesn't smoke!! _________________
Margaret |
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Snowlover
Quit Date: -
Posts: 566 Location: Northern California
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Posted: February 17, 2006 3:20 PM Post subject: Thanks |
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Thanks Margaret, Leona and all of you.
Kaye |
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Snowlover
Quit Date: -
Posts: 566 Location: Northern California
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Posted: March 12, 2008 4:33 PM Post subject: Two Years Later |
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Wow, I just found this RANT I did 2 years ago. I've come a long way. My hubby is still trying to quit and not doing well with it. But, this time I don't care. I mean I care in that I still want him to focus on his health. But, it doesn't effect MY QUIT. I'm still vulnerable. I still can't have him leaving packs laying around - that's too much for me to handle right now. But I'm sure proud that I am quitting this time as MY CHOICE. I choose to live.
Kaye |
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Pamela
Quit Date: -
Posts: 3542 Location: Gardiner, NY
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Posted: March 12, 2008 5:11 PM Post subject: |
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_________________
FIVE + years of freedom and loving it! |
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kevin Site Admin
Quit Date: -
Posts: 9538 Location: cincinnati, oh
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Posted: March 12, 2008 8:50 PM Post subject: |
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good for you, kaye - keep up the good work! _________________
keep choosing life!
kevin
the zen of the quit |
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Barbara K.
Quit Date: December 23, 2004
Posts: 5977
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Posted: March 13, 2008 2:44 AM Post subject: |
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Glad to hear you sounding better now. _________________
Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn arouind and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.
Blessings,
Barbara K. |
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